I Hate Myself For Losing You
by Absent Heart
Summary: An AU MD Story... Absence can make a heart grow fonder but absence in a marriage can tear a heart apart!
1. Chapter 1

**THIS IS MY FIRST TIME AT ATTEMPTING FAN FICTION SO ALL FEEDBACK WELCOME ESP WAYS YOU THINK I COULD IMPROVE THIS... ****A FEW THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW FOR THIS TO MAKE SENSE, **

**ELLIS IS FINE WORKING IN NEW YORK.**

**MARK AND ADDISON ARE MARRIED LIVING IN NEW YORK.**

**I THINK THATS IT BUT IT ALL COMES UP ANYWAY SO THAT WAS PRETTY POINTLESS...**

**I Chose Life…**

Meredith refused to look out of the window as the lights of New York became fainter, further away as the plane rose into the dark sky. Instead she stared down at the one photo she had allowed herself to bring, letting silent tears of gut wrenching pain flow freely, this Derek smiling up at the camera nearly a decade ago was the one she wanted to remember. Not the absent preoccupied man he had became or the man she had seen kissing another woman in his office at the hospital just forty-eight hours ago…

He didn't know she had seen him, leaving as quietly as she had came unable to face him, to hear his excuses or at worst for him to tell her he was in love with this nameless brunette because that would of broken her beyond repair. She knew her mother was right she was doing what she always did avoiding but this avoidance was saving her, saving her from the pain of finding out that the man who she still loved as she had done as the angry cynical eighteen year old didn't love her anymore. That love was the catalyst for her taking the only option open for her: leaving and not staying to fight for him, for them because to lose that battle would leave little chance for recovery.

In just a few more hours she would be back in the city she had last left as a child, returning to the house that had last been home to her and both of her parents. She would spend her time as an intern and resident at the same hospital she had spent hours in with her father whilst waiting for her mother before the divorce. Under the charge of a man who wasn't only an old friend of her mothers but also her soon to be ex husbands too.

Ex husband … how had they gotten here, the couple who had driven the five hours between New York and Dartmouth to snatch moments together , the couple who had talked countless nights through how had they ended up like this… Maybe her mother had been right for once and love wasn't always enough and the gold band hanging from around her neck would be a constant reminder of that.

_COS EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED AND NOW…_

_I AINT GOONA LOOK THE OTHER WAY,_

_AFTER ALL THE CLOUDS GO BY IT'S JUST ANOTHER EMPTY SKY,_

_I AINT GOONA WAIT TO SEE THE RAIN,_

_NOTHINGS GONNA MAKE IT RIGHT,_

_LOOK AT ME COS I CHOSE LIFE…_

**SO MEREDITH HAS LEFT DEREK IN NEW YORK AND HEADING TO SEATTLE, THE NEXT CHAPTER DEALS WITH DEREK AND HOW HE REACTS ON FINDING THIS OUT... PLEASE READ ENJOY AND REVIEW...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Right so this is the second chapter and i'd like to thank the people who reviewed and as always i'd love more esp if you think somethings wrong or needs to be changed. This ones a bit longer so pls read enjoy and review...**

**Always On My Mind**

Derek Shepherd often had moments, usually when he was in the OR when he would know exactly what would happen next and as he opened the door to his Manhattan apartment this was one of them. He knew his life was about to change beyond recognition.

Firstly it was quiet and his home was never that, there always seemed to be noise of some kind. Usually after days at the hospital he would come home to eighties music blaring out, his young wife singing along as she studied but then again Meredith hadn't been singing a lot lately.

Derek's frown grew heavier as he stepped into the living area, it was tidy so tidy it looked more like a show home that wasn't lived in, and he couldn't actually remember a time that his apartment had ever been tidy. No medical books piled up or spread open on the floor, no half drunk coffee mugs, no left over dishes from breakfast even the over sized cushions were all in place on the sofa.

"Meredith!" He called out as he picked up the note from the kitchen table and as he read the familiar scrawl he finally knew the reason for that change.

_Derek,_

_I've had divorce papers drawn up, it's for the best and it means we're both free to move on… I'm not strong enough to stay and fight this, fight for you or what we once had. _

_Its better this way and though you might not think that now in time you will… _

_Goodbye _

_.Mer._

He'd barely finished reading it when the phone rang and with nerve less fingers he grabbed it

"Mer, baby I…" his voice husky with barely contained emotion but instead of his wife it was a very male voice that interrupted him.

"Derek,"

"Mark, have you seen her? Have either of you seen Meredith?"

"Yes, that's why I'm calling… Mer saw you with Sarah she wont be coming back, I'm sorry Derek I tried to persuade her to stay…" Slowly he sank to the floor thumping his head back against the cabinets.

"Derek! Derek are you still there??? Look we're coming over."

The phone slipped from his numb fingers to the floor, his hands covering his face as he tried to process everything Mark had said. Meredith had seen him and Sarah … But there had been nothing to see, well not really they had only kissed once, a mistake, a lapse and he had told Sarah that. Told her he loved his wife that this would never happen again.

"She saw us … Meredith saw us kiss!!!" He spoke out loud, the silence a very telling answer.

Derek also knew his wife well enough to know that she would have gone as far as away as possible, anywhere so she wouldn't have to see him.

"You fool…"

Tears choked him, burning his eyes knowing he had no real excuse for what he had done. He loved Meredith he really did, it was just that over the last year they had seemed to lose sight of each other and he had found some sort of solace in Sarah's company.

Purely platonic company that was right up until the other day when they had been discussing a patient in his office and somehow they had ended up in each others arms and he had kissed a woman who wasn't his wife for the first time in ten years.

One lapse in judgment, one mistake had lead him to losing the one woman who had ever really mattered to him.

Slumped on the floor was how Mark and Addison Sloane found him, best friends since medical school the three of them where as his and Mark's own friendship went as far back as childhood.

"Derek Shepherd get up off that floor and stop feeling sorry for yourself!" Addison ordered, her hands on her hips anger radiating from every immaculate inch of her as her eyebrows raised in disdain.

"Addie…" Mark put a restraining hand on her shoulder but she brushed him away shaking her red head.

"No he needs to hear this… For the last year or more Derek you have been a stranger, neglecting her… Damn you Derek you stopped seeing her, hearing her you were just absent! Any other woman would have had an affair but she loved you too much for that, no it was you, you're the bastard who did!" Addison only paused for breath, stamping her foot as she carried on. "This is your fault Derek and what your feeling now isn't half of the pain your wife is suffering from!"

"It was one kiss Addie I swear… I love Meredith!"

"One kiss too many and I bet you cant even remember the last time you told her that…"

Derek wanted to shout, tell her she was wrong but deep down he knew she wasn't, he had just assumed Meredith had known after all this time.

Right from the start she had been it for him, one look into the alluring green eyes he had been captured, with one smile he had lost his heart forever. For years she had been all he saw but he was now having his eyes reopened by the sheer pain of losing her.

Marks hand pulled him to his feet before placing a glass of scotch in his trembling hand

"Well the way I see it you have two choices Derek."

"Which are?" Guilty agonized blue eyes met unsympathetic angry green ones.

Addison was at this moment more angry with him that she had ever been in all their years of friendship. Over the last twelve months she had had no choice but to watch one of her closest friends break piece by piece unable even as a doctor to stop her pain. Then only to have a sobbing Meredith fall into her arms last night finally broke altogether by the one person who held the power all along to fix her.

"Either do as she wishes knowing that one day she will find someone , a good man who will love her as you should of, who will always put her first unlike you or her mother has ever done. And though she wont be as happy as she was with you she will find contentment, the security you haven't given her."

"Or?" It was her own husband who prompted her this time, two men, and two renowned surgeons looking to her for the answers.

"Find her and go after her making this right… But Derek you only do that if you know you will never hurt her again!" He nodded but his brain was trying to figure out how exactly they had gotten here and how he was meant to actually live without her, his best friend, his other half and the love of his life.

"Addie's right as usual… Mer wont come back otherwise!"

"Please just put her first, don't think about yourself now is not the time to be selfish…" Addison smiled for the first time, an incredibly sad smile.

_Maybe i didnt love you quite as often as i could have,_

_Maybe i didnt treat you quite as good as i should have,_

_If i made you feel second best, girl i'm sorry i was blind,_

_But you were always on my mind, you were always on my mind!!!_

**So I kind of wanted it to be Addie that put Derek in his place and i hoped it worked out as well as i planned ... So please read enjoy and leave a review it makes the brain juices flow faster...**


	3. Chapter 3

**First off thank you so much to the people who have reviewed but please keep them coming it does my fragile ego serious good... Im not in love with this chapter but i hope its just me being critical but if not i apologise now and dont judge the rest of this story on this chapter if you think it sucks that bad,**

**But back to this, we're in Seattle two months on and this is part 1 so read enjoy and review...**

**I Still Miss Someone**

**Part 1 **

**Two Months On**

"Do you think Meredith's okay?" George O'Malley joined Izzy Stevens at the nurse's station but his eyes followed his roommate as she walked blindly past them. He didn't miss the dark circles framing her eyes or the way in which she walked her steps slow and heavy like a sleepwalker.

"She seems fine, a little distracted maybe… Why are you finally planning on asking her out?" Izzy didn't turn around however but George continued to watch Meredith till she was out of sight.

"No… and keep your voice down someone might hear! Its just last night she didn't go to Joe's and when I went to check on her cos well her not going to Joe's is pretty strange… I heard her crying!"

"Oh," This did catch her attention and she turned from studying her patients chart to look at him "Maybe its Alex, they have been spending a lot of time together?"

"Her and evil spawn are friends, just friends I heard her tell Christina… Plus this was proper crying Izz!!!" George insisted and Izzy knew exactly what type of crying he meant.

Though she hadn't told George she had heard it too, and last night wasn't the fist time. It was the type of crying that seemed to come from a person's soul, sobs that would shake a person and couldn't be muffled by pillows. But whenever they asked Meredith if she was okay she would claim to be fine with a smile that clearly showed she wasn't.

Though the five of them, Dr Bailey's group of interns were more of a family than friends or colleagues spending more time together than apart, Izzy knew there was something Meredith held back from them all even Christina her best friend. It was a look in her green eyes that gave her away, pain almost that would flash out of no where causing Meredith's shoulders to slump and for the time it stayed there she would look heart brokenly lonely.

"Everyone has a past Georgie, secrets that she doesn't have to share…" Izzy said thinking of her own past and the daughter she had given up.

"But we're… we're her family Izzy, who else does she have?"

"She has her mother!"

"Who has rang once? Speaking to you not Meredith, and not seeming to care how she is but only leaving a message that she was being bothered by someone named Derek and it was starting to interrupt her busy day!!!" George's voice rose drawing the attention of nearby staff, their stares causing him to storm off just as Alex Karev approached.

"Who got Baby Boy's panties in a twist?"

"What's going on between you and Meredith?" Izzy demanded hating the fact she was asking this question with an edge of jealousy that Alex clearly heard as he smirked.

"Why don't you stop fighting and just admit you want me…"

"Me… Want you? Oh please Meredith is so welcome to you!" She laughed scornfully but Alex leaning in closer shocked her to silence.

"Me and Grey are friends… If you haven't noticed it's what she needs right now!"

_**24 Hours Later**_

"So what's wrong with you?" Christina Yang demanded jumping up onto the stretcher Meredith was lead on, in the basement corridor of the hospital they had claimed as their own.

"This day! Today is a bad day… Today is a day I want to forget but I cant because its screaming at me just to make sure I don't forget!" She only raised her head long enough to see Christina roll her eyes before dropping it again.

"Talk sense women, Bambi is talking enough crap for the whole hospital…"

"Oh?" Meredith wasn't interested and too damn tired to feign it, but it wasn't work that was causing the tiredness, it was Derek and the fact that she was finding it so hard to sleep without him. Though back in New York spending nights alone was the usual it was just here the sheets didn't have his scent clinging to them and in Seattle she didn't have the reassurance that in just a few hours he would be home because his home wasn't with her anymore.

"He said you haven't gone to Joe's the past two nights instead you've locked yourself in your room and they've heard you crying… Him and Miss Perky are worried about you which means they're nagging me like two annoying old women…"

"I haven't and they should stop spying on me which proves why I should of never let them move into my mothers house in the first place…" Meredith sighed closing her eyes as her voice dropped "It's just today; I came three thousand miles to get away from today but its no use because today is today no matter where I am!"

Christina frowned trying to process the babble and trying not to stare at Meredith as if she was mad.

"Look I know I'm crap at this but you are my person and you can tell me if something is bothering you which it obviously is…' This speech caused Meredith to push herself up managing to smile at Christina, a real smile because she knew how awkward her friend felt.

"I am your person but I cant talk about today, today! Tomorrow it will get better because it has too because I cant take much more!"

Dropping back down Meredith closed her eyes only for a familiar face to swim in her vision, two months and it still hurt as it did the night on the plane.

Two months of building a new life for herself, finding a new family who she didn't share with Derek and who wasn't a mother who resented her own daughter's existence and claim on her time and were all the more special for it.

They had simply taken her as her, Meredith Grey who didn't talk about her famous mother or her past but drank tequila till she could hardly stand, sometimes picked up men but shied away from anything more than a one night stand. She was dark, damaged and twisty and they loved her for it… But all of this didnt stop her missing the presence of a man her new family had no idea even existed.

_No i never got over those blue eyes,_

_I see them everywhere,_

_I miss those arms that held me,_

_When all the love was there..._

**I know i have jumped ahead two month's but hopefully as the story continues you will learn more about the past two months in Seattle through the eyes of other people, and so i wasnt just being lazy but instead saving you from alot of fillers. And if your wondering what the importance of "today" is its explained in the next chapter with Derek in New York based over the same two days. Hope you liked it and please hit the blue button your reviews seriously help..**


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay so once again thank for the great reviews and please keep them coming, im still a newbie at this so id welcome any corrections to mistakes i make, im not blind to the fact my writing is still flawed.. **

**But back to this, its Prt 2 and based over the same two days as the previous one... So Read, Enjoy and Review!!!!**

**I Still Miss Someone**

**Part Two**

Addison Sloane looked up into her husbands eyes and almost hissed in frustration

"He's running away again Mark and in the process making his problems a lot worse… For all we know he hasn't even bothered talking to Ellis." Stood outside the expensive Manhattan restaurant, both of them looking through the window to where Derek was sat waiting with his date.

"I've tried Addie… But he only changes the subject, yet on the upside he is still wearing his ring and I doubt the significance of tomorrow being their anniversary has passed him by"

"If that's so then why is he dating that … that thing and does he really expect us to sit down and eat with her???" Addison for once found it hard to find the exact word to properly describe the brash Dr Sarah Jessop Derek had taken to spending his free time with.

"Well she does have the obvious attractions that I wouldn't expect you to appreciate…" Mark leered teasingly as he steered his reluctant wife towards the entrance only to laugh at her mutterings.

"Stupid men and their stupid boy penises…"

"That's just what Meredith would say… I miss her!" He sobered and Addison leaned up and kissed him.

"Me too, I miss them!"

And she did, the four of them had spent the last decade living in each others pockets. Derek had been best man at their wedding nine years ago and Mark had repaid the favor two years later with Addison as Matron of Honor.

But mostly she simply missed Meredith, because she understood Meredith well enough to know leaving Derek meant leaving that whole life behind. She wouldn't want constant reminders of her past and though Addison could appreciate that it didn't stop her missing her and even blaming Derek for that loss. Also she wasn't sure Meredith would be pleased about the way Derek was coping with their separation unless she had moved on too…

Looking back she still found it hard to believe she had tried to convince Derek he was making a mistake getting involved with someone so much younger, let alone the daughter of a women whose disapproval could have possible effects on his future career. But it had only taken less than a few hours in Meredith's company for her to see just how good she was for Derek. Unlike his other girlfriends Meredith didn't let him call the shots, and had instantly won Marks approval with the way she had handled Derek and his ego.

Yet her she was expected to sit through a meal with a woman who she hated on principle.

Mark knew just how hard his wife was finding this and so was he, he adored Meredith but Derek was his best friend and so his loyalty was split three ways. He was relieved when Sarah excused herself half way through the second course that was until he recognized the deadly gleam in his wife's eye who up till now had been pretty much silent except for a few sarcastic comments.

"So is this you trying to prove that you haven't destroyed your marriage over a mistake with some slutty whore who chases after married men???" Addison asked with a pleasant smile on her face knowing just how much it would piss Derek off, who showed it had by answering through gritted teeth.

"Don't start this now Addison it's not the time or the place!"

"Derek come on you know damn well if our places were reversed you'd be saying the exact same thing…" Mark butted in trying to halt the full blown argument that would erupt between the two.

Derek stared between his two best friends before slamming his fist down on to the table.

"Maybe you've forgotten but Meredith left me… She signed divorce papers… She walked away… She didn't want to work it out!!!" Derek bellowed full of anger that he knew wasn't directed at Addison and Mark but solely at himself and the mess that had become his life.

His relationship with Sarah if you could call it that was simply empty sex that only left him burning for the woman who was his wife. Sex with Meredith had never lost its spark not even through their roughest times when it had seemed that was the only way they could reach each other, now it was little more than a satisfying act no more the mind blowing experience it had been. It was just he didn't know how else to cope with the pain, the gaping hole Meredith's departure from his life had caused.

Addison didn't know but he had tried to find Meredith even going as far as to ask her mother. Ellis was little help though, a thoroughly absent unnatural mother for the whole of her daughter's life she had now discovered some parental loyalty and refused to discuss Meredith with him.

"Derek your marriage isn't over until you sign the papers too…" Mark leaned forward his voice lowering as Sarah approached.

24 Hours Later

With his last surgery finished Derek slid his wedding ring back over his still wet knuckle, staring down at it, really seeing it for the first time in so long…

He had never felt happier, more complete than when she had slid this ring onto his finger, seven years ago today in the small ceremony her, Addison and his mother had planned a few weeks after Meredith's twenty-first birthday and her heart breaking tears when her mother had failed to show. He'd always disliked Ellis before that but on that day he could have happily strangled her.

It had taken him three years to persuade her to marry him, Meredith had been unsure wanting to make sure what they had was real and wouldn't fade away. He had known it was real all along, no one else made him smile or laugh like Meredith did or cry as he had recently found out.

She fit into his arms perfectly, sparking a passion in him and filling him with the need to protect her. Meredith simply completed him and learning to live without her he was finding to be beyond impossible. He now found himself regretting every night he hadn't come home or had missed dinner because now it was all too painfully easy to see how much he needed his Meredith and just how much he loved her.

It had taken her three months to confirm what he had already known and taken as a certain.

"_I think I love you…" _

Her voice had been tentative and with her above him he had seen the fear of rejection in her beautiful eyes, but there was no chance of that he was already lost, seeing himself as the luckiest man alive and had kissed her with all the passion and love she evoked in him.

"_And I know I love you!"_

He'd watched the happiness light her eyes, her joyous laughter as she bent to bit his neck making him arch beneath her.

"_Prove it then …"_

And he had rolling her beneath him to show her just how much.

"Dr Shepherd!" Derek raised his eyes from his ring and away from the bitter sweet memories which was all Meredith had left him at the voice of his scrub nurse.

"Yes Steph?"

"A call from Dr Richard Webber at Seattle Grace Hospital!"

"Thanks, could you have it put through to my office…" Derek ripped his scrub cap from his head as he walked quickly to his office but his mind was still with Meredith and he wondered whether on this day she was thinking of him too.

_I wonder if she's sorry,_

_For leaving what we'd begun,_

_There's someone for me somewhere,_

_And i still miss someone..._

**Well so you all guessed right it was their anniversery and it didnt escape neither of their notice esp as both are finding it so hard to let go... Now for all the people waiting for MerDer action il grant your wish in the next chapter but just because we're leaving NY it doesnt mean the last of the others... So PLS grant my wish and hit the blue button!!!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Well first off a HUGE thanx to all the people who reviewed, they really do make my day so PLEASE keep them coming, im a little nervous about this chapter cos so far i havent wrote MerDer together only apart so i hope i got it right and if you think there was anything missing i'd love to know cos it will help improve my writing and i love MerDer so i want to get it right... So Read, Enjoy and please Review...**

**It's Not That Easy**

Derek sat opposite his old mentor and one of his oldest friends in a city he had never been before but was now home to his wife, the women he had traveled across the country to find.

"Does she know I'm here, that you've even called me in for this consult?"

"No… I did try talking about you when she first arrived but Meredith made it clear in no uncertain terms that I wasn't to again! What happened between you Derek?" Richard asked still unable to believe the vast changes in a couple who had once seemed so perfect for each other. "She's gone back to Grey as well…"

Derek wasn't surprised at that but that didn't mean it hurt any less and leaning forward he ran his hands through his hair,

"I screwed up, I hurt her… Meredith left leaving divorce papers behind and until you rang I had no idea where she was!"

"Why didn't you just ask Ellis? Meredith is living in their old home, she can't not know…" Richard looked confused as Derek laughed humorlessly

"Ah, the Ellis Grey has discovered a some what late surge of parental responsibility …" Derek paused this time with a real smile.

"Is she as good as I once told you she would be?"

Richard nodded smiling at the thought of the talented intern who held a very special place in his affections, not only as the women who had made one of his oldest friends so happy but also as the daughter of the great love of his life.

"One of her fellow interns described her as being royally inbred, she's known as the one to beat… With all the potential to match her mother's skill but in my opinion she also has something extra, something that Ellis never had!" Pride surged through Derek for his wife on her way to becoming all he had always known she could be.

"Meredith feels… She cares about people which Ellis always saw as her downfall but it's the opposite it means she will be better than her mother could ever be!" Richard didn't miss the love darkening the blue eyes and suddenly saw a way that would hopefully benefit both the Shepherds marriage and his hospital.

"Look why don't we make your stay more permanent, we both know your one of, if not the best in your field and I'm looking for a new Head of Neurology?"

Derek didn't need to think about the offer or take a moment to consider what he would leave behind in New York

"I accept! Seattle is where Meredith is, where I need to be." Richard smiled broadly as he raised holding out his hand for Derek to take.

"Welcome to Seattle Grace Shep."

* * *

"So that must be the new attending," Izzy leaned back against the wall joining Christina in her admiration as they watched the Chief talk to the younger man in dark blue scrubs outside one of the patient rooms. 

"McHottie… McYummy… McSexy…" Izzy tried out but Christina shook her head at each one before sighing in self satisfaction.

"McDreamy!"

"Ah there it is… Dr McDreamy." Both grinned at each other before turning back to look at the newly christened Dr McDreamy.

"Whose he?"

"Derek Shepherd top Neuro dude on the east coast… the new attending! Crack Whore and Dr Model here are figuring out one of their stupid McNames." It was Alex who answered George causing Christina to sneer at him.

"Jealous much Evil Spawn… I got one for you if you really want it? How about McNasty or McAss you decide?" Izzy who had been ignoring their arguing suddenly spoke.

"The view here has just got so..so much better! A shame about the wedding ring though, I'd love to see the women who caught him…"

"Caught who… what?" Meredith asked coming out of the locker room just as Derek moved into the patients room and Dr Bailey arrived giving no one time to answer.

"Karev in the pit, Yang you're with Dr Burke, Stevens you have the pleasure of my company and Grey, O'Malley you're with the new attending… Um Dr Shepherd! Move now!!!"

Everyone moved except for her, but she couldn't move as much as she wanted too. It felt as if everything was spinning and someones hand's were slowly squeezing the breath from her lungs.

"Grey you have a problem with your assignment?" Bailey demanded as a dazed Meredith shook her head simply willing for the ground to open and swallow her whole.

"No… … No Dr Bailey."

Turning blindly she stumbled into George who instinctively put a hand out to steady her before she could fall.

"Meredith what's wrong are you okay?" George asked his voice full of concern and she nodded trying to smile, but okay was definitely the last thing in the world she was.

"I'm okay… really I'm okay." Meredith whispered as they approached the unmistakable figure of her husband leaning against the wall, his head bent over a chart looking every bit the handsome, successful surgeon he was. But more to the point he looked every bit the man she loved so much.

Meredith's entire world stopped as sensing her presence his striking blue eyes rose to instantly lock with hers, leaving only them as everything else seemed to fade away.

But what she resented the most was as his eyes lingered taking every inch of her in, she could almost believe that the last two months hadn't happened and they were still them Derek and Meredith … But it had and they weren't because it was never that easy, life was never that easy and she knew that more than most. He was still the cause of her pain, of every lonely night she had cried herself to sleep or drank tequila till she finally felt numb…

Derek still mesmerized by simply having her in the flesh within actual touching distance didn't have chance to react as the patients chart he had been reading was snatched from his slack grasp and used to hit him. Green eyes that had haunted him for two months sparkled with anger and unshed tears.

"Seriously… Seriously??" Meredith shouted continuing to smack the chart in to him as he tried with little effect to defend himself.

"Mer …" He didn't get any further as she finally threw the chart at him.

"Don't! Don't talk to me!" Pushing past a stunned George Meredith tried to make her escape but Derek was quicker catching hold of her wrist.

Pulling her back towards him, towards the warmth of his body as ignoring her protests he wrapped his arms around her. Burying his face in her hair as the overwhelming feeling of finally coming home swept through them both.

George stared, his mouth hanging open as he watched Meredith's tense resisting body slowly begin to relax in their new bosses embrace.

Sure he'd seen Meredith freak out before, she'd freaked out at him and Izzy plenty of times when they first started living together but never had she done it with so much anger… and Meredith Grey wasn't a hugging person but here she was as if Dr Shepherd's arms were the only place she wanted to be and why didn't she care that people were staring.

"Meredith, people are looking…" George whispered urgently only to be ignored.

Drawing back slowly from Derek she saw her own tears reflected in his eyes and almost reached a hand up to stroke his face, stroke away the sadness, wanting only to see him smile, his special smile, their smile…

But she knew to do that meant forgiveness and how could she forgive when the pain still ate away at her heart and the betrayal still burned. Closing her eyes she saw him, his arms around that woman, his mouth locked with hers and her fingers tangled in his hair.

"No!" Meredith suddenly shouted, stepping away from him turning her head to avoid his eyes not seeing the pain that slashed across his face as Derek reached for her hands his voice urgent.

"I made a mistake… Are you really going to throw all of what we had away over that??? For god's sake Meredith I love you!!!" Derek's voice slowly grew until his shout matched hers, frustrated as she continued to avoid his gaze as she shook her head.

"None of this exists here… You, us, what happened it doesn't exist! It's over I thought I made that cle…," Her voice faltered as his hand gently stroked her face, his knuckle grazing her lip.

"It doesn't have to be, I'll change… I came here didn't I; I gave up everything for you?"

"And what you really thought I'd be happy to see you?"

"I did hope you might have missed me…" Derek found himself teasing her because he knew when it came to him there was often a fine line between Meredith's anger, her passion and her sense of humor.

Yet this time it didn't work, instead it hit a sore spot because he was right she had missed him, more than she thought it was possible to miss someone and that helped to refuel her anger.

"You arrogant ass… If you knew me at all you would know just how close I am to grabbing the nearest sharp object and stabbing you with it!" Meredith screamed ripping herself from his grasp and storming off leaving him and everyone else staring after her.

"Um Dr Shepherd… I think I better go after Meredith." George mumbled embarrassed.

"You better had,"

Though he felt deflated Derek had prepared himself for this reaction and even though he knew it wouldn't be easy he wouldn't give up. He couldn't not when he was sure it hadn't been only anger that she felt, she still loved him she had too…

_Its not over, not for me._

_Used to have so much faith and I still believe,_

_Your my weakness,_

_Your my strengh,_

_And one without the other just dont make no sense ..._

**So there it was ... i finally gave you some MerDer and i hope you enjoyed it even though it was mainly angst!!! Well so next chap obviously has to be her friends finding out that McDreamy is McHubby and that should be up by Wed... So please hit the blue button and make me smile even more...**


	6. Chapter 6

**Well as always a huge thanx to the lovely people who reviewed but pls dont stop now keep them coming i really do appreciate them... Okay so this is Chap 6 and its basically the interns at Joe's finding out who Derek is so as always Read, Enjoy and Review!!!**

**Confessions**

Sat at her usual place at Joe's bar, the same stool she had occupied on nearly every one of her nights off since arriving in Seattle, Meredith knocked back shot after shot of tequila.

She wasn't only attempting to numb the pain this time though, she wanted to block out the whispered conversation of her friends. The same type of whispered conversation that she had been catching bits of after news had spread of her very public confrontation with Derek but that would stop as soon as her presence was known.

When Bailey without a word of censure had reassigned her to helping in the clinic Meredith had had to fight the urge to hug the small woman,because the totally out of character act had taken her away from the whispers and stares. And with tomorrow one of her rare days off she had twenty four hours before returning to them…

"I mean he said he loved Mer… That he gave up everything to come here for her, he hugged her…" George's voice was the same one a mixture of confusion and disbelief he'd been using all day.

"I know the whole hospital knows… Its just I mean he's married right so where does his wife come into this??? And in his surgery I scrubbed into he asked me if Mer had shown me her mothers surgery tapes… He called her Mer!" Though both Izzy and George were sat mere feet from her they spoke as if she wasn't there.

"Bet you fifty Grey's the dirty little mistress…" Alex added as Christina stared between the three of them.

"You three are a bunch of gossips, you're worse than the nurses! I never knew that, how did I not know that!"

"We are not gossiping ... Are we expected to act like today never happened because it did… I was there Christina I saw them." George protested but Christina taking another drink of her beer shrugged it off.

"Who cares…? So Meredith and McDreamy have history so what?"

"You don't care, how can you not care? She's are friend and he's our boss… You should care!"

"Maybe he chose his wife and Meredith moved here to forget him but he came here cos he wants her back" Izzy continued as if Christina interruption hadn't happened too involved in trying to figure out the cause for the fight.

"He didn't!" Finally fed up with it and realizing that this was one annoyance tequila couldn't block out Meredith spoke "Chose the wife over me I mean, he couldn't unless he practices bigamy as well as medicine!" It was hardly out of her mouth before Izzy screamed.

"You are the wife! Oh my god Meredith…" Her outburst caused George to spit out his mouthful of beer and leaving Alex for once speechless simply staring at her.

"Makes sense," Christina quickly getting over her initial shock shrugged trying to act like she wasn't bothered that her person had kept something so big from her.

"No… No it doesn't! Wow this is big, really big… You and McDreamy seriously?" Izzy's brown eyes were now huge, staring at her as if she had never seen her before, but it was Christina who moved closer allowing Meredith's head to drop onto her shoulder.

"Just when I think your boring you rise…"

"He's not McDreamy!" Meredith protested ignoring Christina as Joe refilled her glass "McAss… McKiss Other Women… McCrappy Husband but not McDreamy… Not anymore but he was once, so dreamy…" Ending on a wistful sigh that promptly turned into a groan as she caught Christina eyeing her speculatively.

"What?"

"I'm just wondering how good the sex was, cos he looks like he'd be good."

"Christina!"

"What your married? You had sex, I can ask that… You owe me that after keeping this whole McHusband, McLife from me!"

"He wasn't meant to ever exist here," Dropping her head onto the bar she banged it repeatedly.

"Meredith you're married… You have a husband… Intern, you're an intern, he's an attending and you're married!? How long?" George finally managed the most effected by the news because for him this meant the end, the death of even the smallest hope that she would ever see him as more than Georgie her roommate her friend. He knew he couldn't compete with what had seemed to him obvious years of history and strong emotional ties. He was just an intern and Derek Shepherd was a renowned surgeon at the top of his game.

"Ten years, I was eighteen and he was an intern at the hospital where my mother was working in New York."

Meredith could still remember that day as if it was yesterday, sat waiting in the hospital lobby for her mother, bored, tired and more pissed off as each minute passed as her mother had already been forty minutes late.

The first time she had seen Derek she had idly looked up from her magazine too see him leaning against the opposite wall staring at her, he hadn't been smiling but a soft glow in his blue eyes had told her he would need only a little encouragement to. Instead she had scowled because she had known he was the type of guy who now expected girls to fall at his feet, blush if he smiled and that cocky arrogance wasn't for her, he needed to be rebuked once in a while in her opinion.

Though even she hadn't been able to ignore the warmth she felt from his gaze or the way her heart had flipped when their eyes had first met plus he had impressively thick skin as he had simply ignored her scowl and sat down beside her.

"_You shouldn't scowl at me… Or ignore me!" _

He had only added the last part when she had refused to acknowledge him but something in his voice had made it impossible to keep doing so.

"_And why not?"_

"_Because I am someone you need to know to love."_

"_So if I know you, I'll love you???"_

His arrogance this time had amused her causing her to grin which she guessed had ruined the effect of her skeptically raised eyebrows.

"_Oh yes,"_

"_You really like yourself don't you?"_

Both of them had been smiling then and she had suddenly realized what all those songs meant when they talked about finding someone and just knowing… Because she Meredith Grey didn't believe in soul mates yet her she was unable to rid herself of the thought that this man had been made to complete her.

"_Just hiding my pain… So hot angry lady what do I call you ?"_

"_Meredith."_

"_Meredith…" _

He'd said her name as if he was tasting it sending shivers of desire down her spine, feeling herself jump slightly from the electric shock as his hand had taken hold of hers. Hiding her reaction from him with a laugh that even to her own ears had been shaky.

"_And arrogant ass what do I call you?"_

"_Derek, Dr Derek Shepherd… And Meredith I have a feeling I might of met my match!"_

They had stared in to each others eyes, and she had known right at that moment her life would never be the same again.

"Meredith!" Izzy's obvious impatience broke through and downing another shot Meredith struggled with her memories pushing them back into their box.

"Yes?"

"How long have you and Dr Shepherd been married?" Izzy seemed to be now coming to term with the news, yet to her eyes George still seemed to be finding it difficult to get his head round it all.

"Seven years… Its pretty obvious now he never signed the divorce papers I left."

"You left papers and walked out… Harsh Grey but I like it…" Alex's smile turned into a laugh as another shot was thrown back in one as if it was water. "Least it explains the whole dark twisty thing you have going on which just so you know is hot, incredibly hot!"

Meredith giggled drunkenly as she tried to stand up, leaning on the bar for support.

"Oh no that comes before Derek, i just rediscovered it when i left him…"

"Its her thing." Izzy put an arm out to steady her and Meredith nodded with enthusiasm as her words started to slur.

"That's it! Its my thing, I have a thing… Tequila, lovely tequila is also my thing!"

"Bed, you need to go to bed," Grabbing his jacket George lead her from the bar, his arm around her shoulders repeating what he had done countless times since meeting her.

"Georgie … I love Derek I always have I cant stop… Izzy's right he's McDreamy, my McDreamy…" She whispered into his neck her head on his shoulder and sighing George squeezed her.

"Its ok Mer, you'll see it will be okay…"

**Right i never quite fell for this chapter, not sure why but i hope it was okay, so next chap will basically be a MerDer cos to continue with this how i want too i dont want to drag out their angst but that doesnt mean they'll be back together just at a slightly better understanding... So that should be up by Fridiay but pls show me some more love by hitting the blue button and reviewing...**


	7. Chapter 7

**I know i always say thanx for reviewing but seriously thank you and please keep them coming cos it makes me feel all gooey and happy... **

**Okay so this is Chapter 7 and i basically wrote this just listening to the song over and over on my ipod that ive named the chapter after. But back to this its totally MerDer so as always Read, Enjoy and Review!!!**

**Maybe Tomorrow**

Derek scrutinized the outside of the town house feeling a faint tinge of recognition from the few photos Meredith possessed from her early childhood before her father left, he knew she didn't remember much of that time but what she did was a lot happier than the rest of her childhood memories. And now knowing she was here he could understand why she had chosen Seattle for her escape.

Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves he wondered not for the first time whether this was the smartest idea approaching her for the second time in two days unannounced. But at least this time it would be a lot less public and away from the gossip mill that was Seattle Grace.

For a first day Derek knew he had made quite an impact with a little help from Meredith but like most people he wasn't a fan of his private life being everyone's hot topic of conversation. It had been just the same back in New York when people had first found out he was dating Meredith Grey; nothing else had been talked about in weeks. Not just the fact she was only eighteen but more importantly she was the daughter of his boss, Ellis Grey the hospitals top surgeon and one of the countries most famous.

Some had said he was using her to simply get ahead but it had never mattered to him who Meredith's mother was. In fact Meredith had kept it from him and he had only found out a month into their relationship when Meredith had surprised him by coming back to New York and for once they had ended up at hers and Ellis had come home catching them in quite a compromising position.

"_Meredith already lives in her mother's shadow here and the last thing she needs is to be judged because of whom she fell in love with…"_

Derek's ghost of a smile at his earlier thought slipped as he remembered Richard's words. Even though he had resented the lecture at the time sat in Richard's office about yesterday's scene he had readily forgiven the older man when after signing the contract he had slipped Meredith's address into his hand.

Along with the information it was her day off, telling him to sort it out so they could at least co exist in the hospital without Meredith resorting to violence every time they meet.

Meredith knew it was Derek just from his knock and though she wanted to be angry, to scream at him some more she couldn't. It all melted away at the sight of him because for once he didn't look so sure of himself with his hands moving from his pockets to his sides as he saw her, rocking back on his heels he looked strained and on edge.

"Mer," His voice soft as she opened the glass door but her only response was a nod as she left him to close the door and follow her into the lounge. Waiting for him to speak she returned to her place on the sofa pulling the comforter back over her feet.

"I haven't come here to fight, I know your hurting because of me but I don't want us to be like this…" Crouching in front of her Derek took both her hands, his thumbs stroking over her knuckles.

"You must have known what it would be like … Why are you here Derek, Seattle I mean?" Her eyes didn't lift once from watching the continuous movement of his thumbs.

"Richard rang me for a consult but more importantly he told me you were here." Derek lowered his voice to match hers, raising one of their joined hands to press a kiss to hers.

"But you're staying…"

"You're my wife, you're my family."

"That didn't seem to matter in New York; it took me leaving for you to even notice me… I saw you with that women Derek and I can't pretend I didn't!"

Meredith's bitter words hit hard, piercing his heart, tears of regret filled his eyes and Derek found himself wishing for her anger of yesterday. Anything which meant he didn't have to face head on the heartbreak he had caused her.

"I made a mistake, one that I won't ever make again… I was selfish, stupid and for one moment I forgot everything I had, just how lucky I was!"

"Maybe we just weren't meant to be; maybe what we had wasn't as real as we believed it …"

Derek found himself having to fight the urge to cover his ears with his hands, so he didn't have to hear her say this but that wouldn't make it go away they needed to face this.

"Is that what you really think? Do you want me to leave Seattle, sign the divorce papers? Is that really what you want Meredith?"

Meredith sighed and finally looked into his eyes unable to really see a valid choice… Because if she had learnt anything in the time they had been apart it was that without Derek the days were a lot darker and she died just a little inside each day.

"Maybe… No… I don't know… I have a life here Derek; I'm not the same and what if I can't trust you again?"

Even though it wasn't quite what he had wanted he took some hope as for the first time her fingers returned his grip, clinging on tightly.

"We could have a life here, start over…"

"You love Manhattan."

"I love you more! And I'm not saying this will be easy and that it won't take time but we're us Meredith we can't let that go you have to give me this chance…" Derek pleaded moving closer trying to gage her reaction as he took a breath.

"I knew from that moment in the lobby we were meant to be, I won't let you walk away this time Mer not without one hell of a fight!"

Derek watched as removing her hands from his she took hold of his left hand staring fixedly at the gold band circling the base of his finger.

Stubbornly blocking out the last year Meredith concentrated on remembering just how good they could be and had been. The numerous times they had laughed, loved and simply enjoyed each other cherishing every second together, all they had once shared.

"Slowly… What I mean is we could take this slow, we could try Derek…" Her voice was hesitant and putting the joy and hope that spread through him aside he knew there was still so much to say. But just as he opened his mouth Meredith shook her head.

"No more, not now… I'm too tired Derek, tired of trying to hate you, tired of trying to learn how not to miss you! Every time I close my eyes I see you and I see you with that... women and I'm just so tired Derek! I just want to stop having to fight, life isnt meant to be this hard!" Clasping his face in her hands Meredith kissed him, pulling away before he could deepen it.

With his heart aching for her and what he had caused them to become Derek moved quickly to sit beside her, pulling her to him his arms moving about her as he whispered into her hair.

"I'm sorry so sorry but I'm here now Mer… We can do this, we have too because I'm not me without you, I love you."

Leaving Meredith asleep on the sofa Derek found his way easily into the kitchen putting coffee on for them both as the guilt started to eat away at him.

This was the time to tell her about Sarah and what they had started after she had left but he couldn't, he couldn't risk this chance she was willing to give him, because what he would tell her would take them right back to the point that had caused her to leave him in the first place.

Knowing Meredith and how she dealt with the type of pain he had caused he would bet that she hadn't been totally alone these past two months…

But her escape if any would be in meaningless one night stands, and though just the thought of another man touching her made him sick to the stomach and all but ready to commit murder he was still rational enough to know there was a big difference between that and what he had done. Running his hands through his hair and knowing he was going to keep lying he groaned but stopped at the sound of the front door opening.

George smiled at the sight of Meredith curled up on the sofa covered by the comforter and sleeping peacefully but he stilled at the noise coming from the kitchen knowing Izzy was at the hospital. But he felt more shocked when the opening door revealed Dr Shepherd.

"Shouldn't you be in the O.R I mean does Meredith even know you're here?"

George felt uneasy in his boss's presence; he didn't know him all he did know was that this was the man Meredith loved, her husband and the man who had broken Meredith and all of his own dreams by even existing.

"She knows." He gestured for George to follow him into the kitchen and he resented the fact that he seemed at home in the house.

"Dr Shepherd…" George started not sure of the right words to continue with when the enigmatic blue gaze met his.

"Yes Dr O'Malley?

Derek couldn't help but be amused at Meredith's roommate's obvious conflict. He looked torn between showing respect to the doctor who was his boss and his dislike to the man who had hurt his friend.

"She, Meredith doesn't deserve to be hurt again; she's pretty great you know and deserves to be happy!" George's slight blush gave him away and Derek knew then this young doctor loved his wife.

He couldn't help but wonder if Meredith knew but if she did she probably ignored it , avoided having to face it. But then Addison's words came back to haunt him, could this be the man who would love Meredith as he should off…

"I know she is and I didn't come here to hurt her, I love my wife Dr O'Malley and came to Seattle to be with her and to put our marriage back together!" And with a thin smile Derek gestured to the coffee brewing.

"I better be going I have a surgery in an hour." Derek didn't wait for a response instead went back to a now awakening Meredith, crouching again in front of her.

"I have to go but I'll see you tomorrow… Mer just so you know I've missed you and I've missed what we used to have." He brushed her hair with a kiss, smiling softly before rising and turning to leave but her whispered response stopped him.

"Me too Derek…" He turned back giving her a last tender smile before actually leaving.

But Derek found himself unable to forget his earlier thought about George O'Malley or the significance of Addison's words. He didn't want Meredith to have to settle for contentment with another man not when he could give her so much more, he could give her happiness and he would all they needed was a little time.

_Maybe tomorrow you'll say that your're mine,_

_You'll realize i can change,_

_Im gonna show you Im in it for life,_

_Il get you back, someday... ..._

_Maybe tomorrow._

**Ok so that was a hell of alot of MerDer... And the reason i wrote this chap like this is because they have so much history so for them they cant just give up and walk away not for a second time and i hope no one minded that ...Well Derek didnt tell Mer about Sarah which in my mind is playing out in two ways just depeneding on which one i go with so its a case of wait and see.. And if your waiting for Mark and Addison dont worry they'll be here soon but as always PLEASE REVIEW im living for them...**


	8. Chapter 8

**As always huge thanks to all who reviewed it seriously makes my day so please keep them coming cos it makes me smile and makes up for all the horrible weather here which means im spending more time infront of a computer screen rather than going out in all the wind and rain. **

**So this is Chapter 8 and its more MerDer and is roughly a week on from the last one so as always Read, Enjoy and PLS REVIEW!!!**

**On A Night Like This.**

"Seattle has ferry boats," Derek placed two coffee's down in front of Meredith and Christina in one of the smaller conference rooms they were using to write up patients charts. "You never told me that!"

He stilled as she smiled up at him and as that smile reached her eyes he wished Christina and the whole hospital with her to hell so he could kiss those smiling lips in private. Showing her in the best way he knew how just how much this all meant and how happy she was making him.

"Seattle is surrounded by water on three sides Derek." Meredith answered trying not to squirm in her seat as leaning over the back of her chair his breath tickled the bare skin at the nape of her neck.

"Hence the ferry boats… But seeing as I've taken you out to dinner the last two nights and ate lunch with you for the past three days I would have expected you to tell me."

Meredith chuckled she knew even without having to look that he was pouting, he always did when he used the voice that made him sound a lot more like a spoilt five year old who had just found out everyone knew a big secret he didn't rather than a successful brain surgeon.

"Derek has a thing for ferry boats," Meredith told a confused looking Christina as she fought to keep her breathing steady as Derek's lips now pressed in small kisses his teeth nipping at her skin.

"Actually it's more of a mutual thing… You see Dr Yang, Dr Grey simply never appreciated the true pleasure of a ferry boat ride until that was she took her first one with me. It was a summer night wasn't it Meredith, a very hot, sultry night, if I remember rightly and didn't you have problems keeping your clothes on it was so hot… …" He teased enjoying her blush and delighting in knowing the exact memories he had evoked.

"Okay the secret marriage I could forgive you for but ferry boats Meredith seriously???" Christina rolled her eyes in disgust as she moved to the other side of the table away from the couple who were both wearing matching and in her opinion sickening grins.

"And for all our sakes just hurry up and give him some cos right now he's like a rabid dog on heat with all that drooling over you it's nasty!"

"Christina!" Meredith exclaimed but made no move away from Derek's continued embrace as laughing he pressed a final kiss to her neck.

"Lunch then?"

"Okay but go before Bailey catches you in here with us…"

"Fine but tonight lets call it my reward, you let me take you somewhere new? I have something to show you."

"Sure." Her smile tender as she looked up at him "Thanks for the coffee's."

"My pleasure." He beamed before nodding at Christina and shut the door behind him.

Walking back towards his patients room Derek was blind to everyone and everything, too busy thanking whoever had brought Meredith Grey into his life all those years ago and for giving him this second chance that he sometimes doubted he really deserved.

They were taking it at her pace which so far had meant no sex, which was torture to him. He craved her, the scent of her skin the feel of her in his arms, the taste of her on his lips he ached constantly for it all and he knew Meredith was finding it harder and harder to say no.

But her intention had been right; it gave them time without being clouded by the haze of sexual satisfaction to rediscover exactly why they had fallen so hard in the first place and for her to know for sure that they could make this work.

He already knew though, Meredith was the difference in a day and proving to her they were worth it was a fight, a fight for life and telling her the truth about Sarah became less of an appealing option as each day passed. Each day brought more smiles; more laughter and the eyes that had been dulled by pain now lit when he was near and if it was possible Derek had found himself falling even more in love with her.

The phone call to Sarah had been one of painful embarrassment, not that it had hurt to end something that had never really began but because he had felt ashamed of himself. He knew just as she did that he had used her, first their friendship to hide from the problems he himself had caused in his marriage and then after Meredith had left in a selfish attempt to heal his own grief.

Surprisingly she had been understanding and honest enough to admit he had never really given her false hopes.

"_I knew it was just a matter of time until you found her and went to her… Derek you called her name out in your sleep every night."_

But he had still apologized for leaving New York without telling her and putting her in the picture instead of leaving her to find out from gossip at work, but she had only laughed and told him not to be a fool.

"_Derek you're in love with your wife and that won't ever change… If anything I'm a little sorry for the part I played in the damage that's been done, you know you were only half the man I had first been attracted to after she left… Which say's it all really!"_

He had deleted her number from his cell after that, knowing that he would never take Meredith for granted again because Sarah was right he was only a shell without her.

And tonight he would prove to her that his home was wherever she was and that he would never regret leaving New York.

* * *

"Are you coming to Joe's tonight?" Izzy asked as Meredith joined them all in the basement corridor, shaking her head at George's offered pack of chips. 

"Sorry cant, Derek has plans there's something he wants to show me…"

"It doesn't take a doctor to work out what that is… The way the dude keeps looking at you he might as well just mount you on top of the nurse's station!" Alex smirked dodging the plastic bottle she threw at him as Christina laughed.

"Admit it Mer Evil Spawn has a point…"

But Meredith didn't hear her, she was too caught up in watching the speaking looks passing between Izzy and George.

"What?"

"Nothing," George answered quickly too quickly so she turned her attention to Izzy.

"Well?"

"It's just… Dr Shepherd, Derek he's only been back a week or a little more, don't you think this is all a little quick Mer? I mean you're only ever apart when you're at home sleeping, even here when you're _not_ his intern he's like your shadow… What if he hurts you?" Izzy asked and looking between her two room mates Meredith sighed.

"Izz he isn't someone I just picked up at Joe's and you have to be believe that when it comes to Derek Shepherd I am far from blind to his faults… He's my husband and that means something, he's my … … …" Meredith didn't finish, shrugging instead because the only word she could come up with was McDreamy.

To her it seemed the absent, unresponsive, preoccupied Derek she had left in New York had stayed there leaving a man who was a lot more like the man she had first fallen for to come to Seattle in his place. A man a lot more deserving of the McName Christina had christened him with.

Their dinner dates, lunches and trips to Joe's had been fun, filled with laughter, hours of rediscovering each other, reminders of exactly why they had ever gotten together or even married in the first place. And she knew their constant togetherness at the hospital hadn't just been noticed by her friends and was causing just as much of a stir as their fight had.

From what Alex had told her the latest rumor was that she was his mistress and Derek had left a broken hearted wife back in New York. Which Derek was amused by as he had told her she had the answer to that hanging from the chain around her neck. But still she refused to put her rings back where they belonged, she wasn't ready to commit that far and just like the sex ban she wouldn't give in until she was ready.

It was the self imposed sex ban she was finding the hardest to cope with though. Sex had always played a major part in their relationship, even when they were barely holding it together back in New York it had been the one thing undamaged about them.

Somehow the passion sparked by their first kiss had survived and now they only had to be in sight of each other for it to burn bright and as Alex had proved it was as clear as day to everyone else too.

But there was also something else holding her back, a look in Derek's eyes that she had caught once or twice, he was feeling guilty about something, something she guessed had happened in their time apart. Which as she knew what she herself had done she wasn't sure if she even wanted to know about what was making him feel bad. Because to know meant to deal with it and that would mean threatening the still fragile foundations they were building.

"We just don't want to see you hurt?" George told her staring down at his shoes.

"You guys are my family but so is Derek no matter what happens in the future, it would just be easier if you could get along!" Meredith smiled persuasively.

"I suppose him letting me in on a few surgeries would help…" Izzy suggested shrugging with a small smile and Alex nodded

"I don't mind the dude but I'll be in on that."

"Well he brought me coffee and lunch today… Not any hospital crap either and I get to scrub in on a craniotomy later… That's what comes from being his intern and her person!" Christina smirked happily at the others.

* * *

"Derek where are we going?" Meredith asked holding on to his hand as she stumbled slightly over the uneven ground in the darkness, sensing his unmistakable excitement as he squeezed her fingers pulling her to move faster. 

"Remember at your mother's house the day after I arrived I told you _we_ could have a life here?" He asked stopping so he could turn to face her, grinning at her confusion.

"So…"

"Well I meant it. You said I loved Manhattan and I did I still do but after you left it wasn't home anymore, home is wherever you are so ..." He lead her forward a few more steps around a group of trees and Meredith found herself staring in confusion at a brightly lit trailer.

"Seattle is home now! It has you and it has ferry boats, so this is all ours … …" Letting go of her hand he spread his arms out wide.

"Seriously…" Meredith stared around her in shock "You would do all this, give up everything in New York for me?"

"For us when you're ready to be us again… Its forty acres of some of the most beautiful land in Seattle, I know it's only a trailer right now but we can build a house… one that looks over the water! There's enough room for us to grow, start a family, get a couple of dogs and its not too far from the hospital but if you don't… … "

Meredith couldn't stand the beginning of uncertainty that had crept into his voice.

"Derek Shepherd you are… …" Was all she managed her heart full of love and awe as she threw herself in to his arms laughing as he spun her around, his laughter mixing with hers.

He carried her over to the trailer sitting down on the steps with her sat comfortably on his lap.

"So when you said you moved out of the hotel yesterday it was here you moved too?"

"Yep. I found this place my first night here after our fight… I was just driving and ended up here, it was so peaceful I could really think and for the second time in my life I fell irreversibly in love. So I got onto the realtor and the owner was more than happy to off load it!"

"You knew even then you were staying?" She asked turning her head to smile up at him, his returning smile was one of love as he nodded.

"Even then… When I held you that day for those few moments I felt at home in my own skin again and for the first time in two months I felt alive!"

"But what if I had told you to leave, to sign the papers?"

"I would have simply ignored you and harassed you until you gave in… The fight isn't over yet and no matter what I'm staying I'll always be here…"

"You'll wait for me?" Her voice quiet as she brushed a hand through his hair settling herself that little bit closer to him.

"For as long as you need…" He smiled his heart leaping into his throat as her smile turned into a bubble of laughter

"Oh my god you live in a trailer… You Derek Shepherd, what will your mom say? They'll all think you've gone mad!"

"No they'll think I'm finally seeing sense at trying to win you back! We got swallowed up in New York Mer and for a while I lost sight of you but not now."

"I'm glad you're here in Seattle Derek."

"Me too." His voice low as his arms tightened, loving the feel of her so close, fitting so perfectly to him.

"I do love you Meredith Shepherd!"

"I know,"

She whispered turning again to face him, using the hand in his hair to pull his mouth down to hers. The first tentative warm brush of lips against lips that began with such heart wrenching sweetness soon blazed out of control with the swiftness of a match tossed into gasoline. Derek kissed her as if he was starving unable to get enough as Meredith did the same, pressing herself into him as soft moans escaped from her lips. Meredith felt a tremor move through her, a wave built of pure desire so familiar that it made her ache to pull back from him to look up at into his now indigo gaze. A teasing smile curved her swollen lips as he stared down at her dazedly.

"This does not mean we're having sex Derek Shepherd."

"Seriously?" He demanded his voice full of the same confusion that was written all other his face

"Seriously."

_On a night like this  
I wanna stay forever  
On a night like this  
Just wanna be together  
On a night like this _

**Well that was that... A whole lot of MerDer! **

**Okay so now you know it wont be Sarah who tells Mer about those two months but she will find out and how she does i hope will shock you but you'll still love it anyway... And Mer knows Derek is feeling guilty and as always doesnt want to face it cos he's there and he's being all dreamy and shes fallin for him that little bit more just like she is. So in the next few chapters the people briefly touched on in New York will be back to stir the story up and the next chap will be up in a few days! But for now PLEASE hit the blue button and REVIEW!!!**


	9. Chapter 9

**THANK YOU... to all the people who have reviewed so far and pls keep them coming cos for some reason writing fan fiction has made me incredibally self consious and they really do help!**

**Back to this though its Chapter 9 and its part one which is almost an introduction and build up for part two which is kinda obvious so im jus gonna shut up now ... As always Read, Enjoy and PLS REVIEW!!!**

**Because of You**

**Part 1**

Rushing around the corner Meredith was instantly stopped in her tracks at the sight of the woman stood talking to the Chief at the nurse's station.

Instinctively retracing her steps she ducked back around the corner, pressing herself back against the wall taking deep breaths fighting the urge just to check she hadn't been imagining it and really wasn't stuck in a nightmare.

"What are you doing? I know everybody is already talking about you but do you really want them to think you've gone mad too???" Christina demanded her eyebrows raised, her hands planted firmly on her hips.

Reaching out quickly before Christina drew any unwanted attention in their direction she pulled her out of sight.

"Shut up, please Christina just shut up!" Meredith pleaded taking another look at the nurse's station and said a silent prayer of thanks as the two old friends began to move off in the opposite direction still deep in conversation.

"Meredith?" Christina snapped her voice now lowered and leaning back against the wall this time with a sigh of relief Meredith looked helplessly at her friend.

"My mother…"

"What about her???"

"She's here, as in here in Seattle, as in here in this damn hospital!" Meredith hissed shaking her head as Christina's expression turned to one of excitement, the particular look she always got right before a great surgical case.

"Seriously… Oh wow!"

"No there is no wow about it… This is bad! My mother and I are bad but my mother, me and Derek in the same place is just…"

"Meredith you have to introduce me… Your mother is like a freaking living legend!"

"No! No there will be no introductions, we don't do introductions! My mother has never met my friends and this will not be the exception! How would you feel if I demanded to be introduced to your mother???"

The way Christina was now staring at her she might as well as just declared herself in love with the morgue guy, it was a look of pure incredulity and it almost made her smile.

"I'd call down for a Psych consult but then my mother is not _the_ Ellis Grey… I'd kill for my mother to be Ellis Grey! Mer please this is the one time you will ever hear me beg… please!"

"No cos you know what I doubt she'll even take time out to speak to me which is how I like it, its the way we have managed to co exist for the last twenty eight years!" Meredith hurried off Christina watching after her, trying to figure out why when her voice had been matter of fact there had been an incredibly fragile look to Meredith Grey.

* * *

Derek looked up from the scans Bailey was holding out in front of him to blink at the sight of the petit woman walking towards him alongside Richard Webber. Her strawberry blonde hair pulled back into a bun, a rare smile lighting her face as looked up at the Chief of Surgery. 

"Good god what did I ever do to deserve this…"

"How about cheat on your fine wife causing her to run across the country to escape you." Bailey told him with a satisfied smile as he looked down at her a frown marring his handsome face.

"It was a rhetorical question as you well know, anyway how do you know that, not even Richard knows that part!"

"I know everything."

"Right I forget your Dr Bailey… But seriously Miranda this is bad and though I might deserve it Meredith certainly does not!" Derek hissed as the two approached to stop in front of them.

"Derek no need to introduce you of course but Ellis this is Dr Miranda Bailey, one of my best and Meredith's resident." The two women shook hands exchanging polite chit chat before Ellis turned to him, neither of them making any move to offer their hands.

"Derek." Her voice cold mirroring the chill of Derek's unsmiling expression and answering tone

"Dr Grey. So are you here to see Meredith?"

"Not intentionally no, I'm giving a lecture at the same seminar as Richard here in Seattle and he invited me to take a look at an interesting case."

"Well I'm sure you'll manage to squeeze a few minutes in for her, she is your daughter after all but I'm sure you haven't forgotten that though you may like too…" Derek spoke through gritted teeth causing both Bailey and Richard to stare as Ellis smiled coldly.

"Fighting my daughters corner Derek, how very knight in shining armor of you but it's a shame she wasn't always such a top priority with you!"

Derek paled his body tensing.

"And it's an even bigger shame that I'm not the first to do that, but at least I'm making up for my mistakes I doubt you could make up for the last twenty eight years so easily!"

Clearing her throat Bailey looked pointedly down at her watch.

"Dr Shepherd we should be getting to the O.R."

"Bailey's right Shep…" Richard's voice was brisk in an effort to break the building tension as the pair stared at each other.

"Of course Chief, Dr Grey." Derek nodded turning on his heel with Bailey following in silence until they were out of hearing distance.

"You call your mother in law Dr Grey???"

"As you saw we are not on the best of terms, we never have been. I hate what she does to Meredith and the way she treats her it drives me mad…"

"Meredith Grey isn't as fragile as she looks and you are the last person I should have to tell that too!" Bailey told him a softer smile on her face at his obvious love and concern for her intern

"No she's not but Ellis Grey turning up like this is one of the reasons she hates surprises of any kind… Didn't you see that by how welcoming my greeting was from Meredith?" He asked with a slight smile causing Bailey's lips to twitch

"Oh you deserved that… But Dr Grey is still her mother and that means something you know that."

"It does and those feelings were what caused my wife to cry on our wedding day because her mother was too busy even to turn up!" Derek said grimly pushing the door to the scrub room open so violently it crashed into the wall with a bang. "Come on the sooner I get this done the sooner I can find my wife!"

* * *

Derek entered Joe's and stopped just inside the door to watch her. Sat at the bar the other four interns sat nearby but Meredith wasn't joining in their conversation, instead she was staring at the empty shot glasses lined up in front of her as she knocked another one back. 

He'd spent every minute he was out of the O.R trying to find her today but though nearly everyone had seen her no one could tell him where she was at that moment. He had heard the same sentence so many times he had ended up snapping it out before one of the nurses could.

"_Oh Dr Grey, yes she was just here but…"_

Before storming off to finally find her scrubbed in on a surgery with Burke. He had stood in the gallery watching her ignoring the curious whispers around him as he had refused to lift his eyes from her and as if feeling his gaze she had raised her eyes to his and the distress in them had been clear. But he had ended up being paged away and by the time he returned the surgery was over and Meredith once again no where to be seen.

And here she was now in a scene so agonizingly familiar that it tore at his heart just in a different city and a different bar. He remembered the times though when she had stopped turning to tequila turning to him instead and he had only himself to blame because in losing her trust he had lost her confidence. However if they were going to fix them he needed to fix this, remind her he was now there again to catch her, be her strength through all the rough times like she had been for him.

This though was the one part of Meredith that had always filled him with terror, her self destruct button and he hated to think of just how many nights she had spent like this before he arrived and he preyed that though he hadn't been there her friends had.

Seeing her reach now for another shot spurred him into action and before the glass was even half way to her lips he had snatched it from her.

"Stop, that's enough now Mer." He told her tipping the tequila onto the floor before turning to Joe.

"Can I have a black coffee for my wife?"

"No I don't want a freaking coffee! Go away Derek!" The request had snapped Meredith out of staring confusedly at her now empty hand.

"Oh this should be fun…" Christina laughed into her beer as a now visibly angry Meredith got to her feet pushing away Derek's hands as he made a move to steady her.

"You arrogant, overbearing annoying ass what the hell do you think your doing??? Since when have you had any freaking right to order me around?" Meredith shouted, some of her words slurring as swaying she pushed at his chest.

"What I'm doing is stopping you drown yourself in tequila to block out the fact your damn mother is here," Derek lowered his voice his tone calm, knowing drunken Meredith too well to risk a screaming match in a place that held so many of their co workers.

"Okay… Cos I'm not going to stand here and fight with you." Cupping her face he stared down into the glazed green pools.

"No… no… no…" She whispered hitting his chest with her clenched fists as Derek continued to nod.

"Yes, you don't need to do this…" He replied leaning in to kiss her lips tenderly his forehead resting against hers "Talk to me, just let me in… Let me help!" Gently and slowly he folded her into his arms reassured as she stopped resisting and buried her face in the soft leather of his jacket.

"So that's what it takes, why didn't we ever think of that!" Izzy said still watching as Derek passed Meredith a cup of coffee moving to sit next to her at one of the tables his arm about her shoulders.

"Personally I'm disappointed in her; I had twenty on her tipping something over his head…"

"Christina… he obviously cares and he does know how to handle her."

"Its pretty simple they need each other…"

"Evil Spawn do you have feelings… That's sweet!" Izzy teased and blushing slightly Alex shrugged

"Shut up,"

* * *

Derek kept his arm around her as he lead her out into the cold night, his jacket already around her shoulders. 

"My cars at the hospital, do you want to wait here? He asked stroking the hair back from her face, now after three cups of coffee she was half way to being sober.

"Il come." Reaching out she took his hand her fingers tangling with his, leaning slightly against him as they walked towards the hospital.

"Do you remember the night you found out who I was, who she was?" She asked and with a chuckle he nodded

"Its not something you can easily forget… Its not everyday your new girlfriends mother who happens to be your boss catches you rolling around naked on her daughters bed!"

"You were angry with me for thinking you would care who she was but I liked just being Meredith to you…" Her voice was soft almost wistful as she remembered the days when it was simply just them with no complications or problems.

"But you were never _just _Meredith to me… You were this feisty, bossy, incredibly smart and beautiful girl who only had to look at me for my world to stop… And not forgetting the fact you were the best sex I ever had!!!" He teased wanting to lighten her frown and was rewarded in full as she stopped to kiss him now laughing.

"You had to turn it porny!"

"Meredith we are porny… I used to go to work like a zombie and then go home to start it all over again!"

"We had fun,"

"We always have fun and we will keep having it… Just don't shut me out; we need to talk to each other Mer…" He told her and smiling sadly she nodded.

"Today she walked right past me; she didn't even see me Derek… She has never seen me." The anguish in her voice stopped him and tipping her face up he spoke, his voice urgent full of emotion.

"She doesn't deserve you, and you cant keep letting her effect you like this."

But Meredith had stopped listening, she was staring at something passed his shoulder, though they were partly concealed by the darkness she would of known the figures anywhere even locked in such a close embrace.

"Derek," She whispered taking a tight grip on his fingers and looking puzzled he turned to see what was putting such a look of confusion and horror on his wife's face.

"Mer what… … Oh."

_Because of you  
I try my hardest just to forget everything  
Because of you  
I don't know how to let anyone else in  
Because of you  
_

**Ok so that was that i never really fell for this chapter cos even now its not quite how i wanted it and nothing seemed to happen how it was meant to but i promise part 2 is a lot better, more angst but better... So Ellis is back and as bad as her relationship is with Meredith its even worse with Derek and the next chap will see her showing just how much she disapproves ... And Addie and Mark will be back i think nxt chap which will be up in a few days at most but for now PLEASE HIT THE BLUE BUTTON!!!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Serious thanks to all the people who reviewed it made me update quicker than i orginally planned so please keep them coming and that will keep happening!**

**Right so this is chapter 10 and its ****Mer dealing with what she found out and confronting it only to be forced to confront something else... Oh and Addie and Mark are back right at the end! So as always Read, Enjoy and PLEASE Review!!**

**Because of You.**

**Part 2**

"It makes sense." Meredith whispered as she turned over in her bed so they were facing each other, their heads sharing the same pillow as he knotted his fingers with hers.

After seeing her mother and Richard in each other's arms she had simply turned and walked away, leaving Derek stood staring in shock but by the time she had arrived back outside Joe's his car had pulled up alongside her.

When he had offered to stay with her she had gladly accepted because tonight she needed him, his arms around her, his body close. She needed comfort the sort she had only ever found in his arms and right now just for a little while she wanted to feel normal.

"How do you mean, how can this make sense?" Derek asked still unable to get his head around what they had witnessed. Sure he knew back during their residency they had been close but he had never imagined they had been anything more than close friends, close friends who were both married.

"I have memories of them; I remember bits of some of the rows between my parents… I was so young though that they've never made sense till now." Shaking her head she sighed.

"I have one vivid memory after my father left just before we moved to Boston… We were at the park; I was on the carousel and they were fighting… she was crying really crying and Richard walked away but she kept trying to pull him back and he just kept saying he couldn't do it…"

"You think it's been going on for all these years???"

"No… I think this is the first time they've seen each other since then."

Derek rubbed his face sighing

"Your mother left your father for Richard but he didn't leave Adele."

"Maybe that's what she was thinking of when she told me love wasn't always enough…" Meredith spoke half to herself, but Derek heard.

"When did she tell you that?"

"Before I left you, before I left New York,"

"Do you believe that too?" He asked worriedly and moving slightly she kissed him softly.

"I don't want too… For us I want it to be enough!" Her eyes searched his as she lifted her hand to lay it against his cheek,

"Me too."

They smiled at each other and then their smiles faded as Derek moved to return her kiss.

* * *

"Are you and my mother having an affair?" 

Meredith stood facing Richard in his office, Derek had told her to wait not to just barge in but she couldn't leave it and not do anything.

Whatever had happened in the past between them had affected her, changed the outcome of her life and they owed her the truth.

"Meredith…"

Richard got up from his desk avoiding the green gaze as she stared at him with an almost disappointed look.

"_Meredith feels."_

Remembering Derek's words he saw for himself the real truth of them and felt riddled with guilt for the damage he himself had played a part in reeking on her young life.

"You are the reason my parents marriage ended aren't you? And it wasn't _just _an affair she really loved you, it wasn't just this cheap thing where she didn't tell you she was married, she left my father for you…"

Meredith stepped back as he moved forward, his hands held out and right then as the brown gaze finally met hers she saw the answer to her questions.

"Seeing you together last night was like at long last having the final piece of a jigsaw! All the memories of you, the countless rows between my parents… It all just makes sense!"

"Meredith me and your mother it's…"

"Absolutely none of your business young lady!"

Entering the office unknown to the pair of them Ellis closed the door behind herself, her voice that of a stranger watching as Meredith placed herself so she was able to see them both.

"I'm not a child anymore, you owe me this I deserve the truth."

"Why, how exactly does this concern you Meredith?"

"It concerns me because what happened between you back then is the reason my father left! You two are the reason I didn't have him to walk me down the aisle… It's because of you both that I have a whole part of life missing and can never get back!" Meredith didn't shout and though her mother remained impassive she watched as Richard visibly flinched at her word his head slowly lowering.

"I know you have always thought you needed him but you didn't, we were better off without him." Ellis said but Meredith shook her head fighting to hold her tears at bay.

"No I needed him Mom, you may not of but I did…"

"You thinking you need people Meredith is what has got you into this sham of a marriage of your own in the first place."

"So once again we're back to Derek… Why can't you just see how good he is for me! For gods sake he's been picking up and dealing with the mess you made for the last ten years!" Meredith's voice finally rose as she defended Derek in the same argument they had been repeating ever since Ellis had found out about them.

"You were only eighteen Meredith. He was twenty eight he should of known better than to take advantage of a mere child!"

"Seriously … You have the nerve to stand there and say that to me, seriously??? I had been looking after myself for years before that or have you conveniently forgotten the fact you were never around and that our house keeper was more of a mother to me because you were certainly not one or even attempted to be one!" Meredith shouted the anger now blazing in her eyes mirroring the hard fire in her mothers.

"So sleeping with one of my interns and then marrying him was what a way to get back at me?"

"No Mom… I love Derek and he loves me, he was the first person to ever get me and not be put off by all the damage!" Meredith tried to convince her mother for what felt like the millionth time but Ellis only laughed a cold mirthless sound.

"Really he loves you??? Ah so that explains why he kept one of his residents bed warm for the two months before he came here… because of just how much he loved you, _**his **_wife!"

"Ellis!" Richard shouted in a voice that would have had all his staff running for cover, unable to stand back and simply let her cause the pain that was currently crumpling Meredith's face. "That's enough, now is clearly not the time for this!"

"No Richard as she said she isn't a child anymore so its time for to face the truth about her own husband and to finally realize there are things she cant just runaway from!"

"No, your lying… your just trying to hurt me…" It was almost a whimper and though she wanted to believe her mother was lying she knew she wasn't.

She was telling the truth, she was giving Meredith the answer to why Derek had that look in his eyes… The look she had again seen last night the exact look that had stopped her from making love when her whole body ached for him, cried out for his touch.

"How could… I mean how would you know that???"

"Meredith no matter how much you may resent the fact I am still your mother and as your mother people often feel the annoying need to make me aware of matters concerning you… This was one of those tiresome times!"

Her tears burned but she refused to show weakness in front of her mother as the pain radiated through her she turned back to Richard.

"I need to uh, I really need to go!"

"Wait Meredith!"

Richard moved quickly forward but hurriedly backing away from them both she stumbled out into the hall to run blindly wanting just to be alone and away from the mocking expression on her mothers face.

"Mer?" Derek called out as she ran straight past him and Bailey, pushing her way past people tripping in her haste.

"Grey!" Bailey demanded both her and Derek turning to the direction she had come from only to see Richard and Ellis arguing.

And as coldness seeped through him Derek knew without a shadow of doubt that somehow Ellis had found out and told her about Sarah.

"Shit! Meredith." Pushing his patients chart into a stunned Bailey's hands he started to run after her pushing past people just as she had.

He only reached her as she started to slow down as she approached the nurses station and taking his chance he grabbed hold of her hand spinning her around as he panted for breath, his stomach lurching at the hurt in her eyes.

"Mer baby?"

"No Derek not now… You don't get to do this now! Right now I just need you to go, give me time I need space give me space!"

But he couldn't he was terrified, terrified that with this time she wanted she would build up her barriers again and regain the resolve that had given her the strength to walk away in the first place. He couldn't let her go and as the tears filled his eyes he shook his head.

"I know how you must feel but just give me a chance to explain, please Mer?"

"No! You have no freaking idea how I feel you cant know! I knew there was something, I saw it in your eyes and this is all partly my fault for not facing it I know that but right now all I know is I had to hear it from **_her _**when it should have been you Derek…"

"I wanted to tell you I did but I was scared… Scared to run the risk of losing you again, I just didn't want to hurt you anymore than I already had!" He pleaded trying to keep hold of her as she made every effort to escape him.

"But you have … Cant you see that? I just don't want to do this now; I don't even want to look at you! Just leave me alone!" She cried the tears falling as she pushed at his chest "Please Derek just let me go and don't follow… Do this one thing for me!"

"Derek let her go…"

Mark's unmistakable voice rang out in the silence that had settled as he pulled him away leaving Meredith now sobbing to run off in the direction of the intern's locker room. Leaving him to turn and face not only half of the surgical staff but also his two best friends.

"I cant, I need to…"

"No you need to give her room, Mark?" Addison spoke as she moved towards him and Mark nodded squeezing his friends shoulder.

"Addie's right, the last thing she needs is another fight! I'll go!"

Mark hurried off leaving a frowning Addison behind

"It looks like we arrived just in time… You just don't learn do you???"

_I lose my way  
And it's not too long before you point it out  
I cannot cry  
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes  
I'm forced to fake  
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life  
My heart can't possibly break  
When it wasn't even whole to start with  
_

**Well so that was that... in trying to find out about her mother and Richard she now knows about Derek and Sarah and the fact they stayed together after she left!! But all's not lost cos their Meredith and Derek but i have to warn you i doubt there will be much fluff for a while! But to make up for that i have brought Addie and Mark back for you... Anyway the next chap which should be up by Monday at the latest is basically the fall out, Derek confronting Ellis etc! But for now PLEASE hit the BLUE BUTTON AND REVIEW!!!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Seriously i am doing a really silly happy dance cos you guys have got me passed a 100 reviews and i am seriously chuffed which is why you got such a long update... So THANK YOU but that doesnt mean stop, PLEASE keep reviewing!!!**

**But so this is Chap 11 and it starts off straight from where the last ended and i hope the fact there's lots of Addie and Mark makes up for the fact theres no MerDer in this but as always Read, Enjoy and PLEASE REVIEW!!!**

**Truth Hurts**

"What?" Derek demanded of Addison running his hands through his hair as she stood shaking her head at him her lips pursed.

"You left her to find out about your little fling with Sarah from someone else didn't you? I mean have you learnt nothing, you're a brain surgeon for god's sake Derek???"

Addison looked curiously around at the people who had stopped to watch the very public scene drift away and frowned in confusion.

"So who did tell Meredith…? Apart from Richard I didn't think anyone else knew you personally here?"

"Ellis." Derek spat the name out in distaste

"Ellis… as in Ellis Grey, Meredith's mom? What on earth is she doing here apart from wanting to ruin your life obviously?"

"I could ask you the same?"

"Richard has a T.T.T.S case he needs my help with and Mark was pining for you so…" Her first smile slowly appearing as she moved forward to hug him.

"Here we are. But from what Richard told us we were hoping to have the most nauseating in love couple back on our hands…"

"I thought I loved her then but now… Oh god Addie we were getting there but I just couldn't tell her!"

Derek sighed pulling away from her only to start pacing. The worry etched on his face as his hand continued to be dragged through his hair.

Addison watched him half in pity half in anger… She knew shouting at him now wouldn't do any good or solve anything. Derek was suffering, suffering deeply and no matter how pissed she was at him she could at least acknowledge he had been facing his marital problems but if only he'd done it sooner and been totally upfront with Meredith.

"It'll be okay…" She said hesitantly trying to offer all the reassurance she could.

"You don't sound so convinced?" Derek had stopped pacing to stare at her intently trying to read her.

"It's just well… I know Meredith loves you but … Derek you've been testing that love to its limits for the past year or more and I doubt a few weeks can make up for that! And for Ellis to be the one who told her… I just don't know but for both your sakes I hope you can get through this!"

"I wish you'd just shout at me… Comforting Addison is worrying!"

And he was worried, scared, terrified even that with this he had lost Meredith for good and if he could turn back time he would… But he couldn't and the truth was as much as it hurt to face was that his wife his Meredith might never trust him again and this really could be the end.

All he needed was to see her, talk to her, convince her just how much he loved her and that Sarah had meant nothing to him that she was the one he loved, the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and that he couldn't go on without her.

"For once I think you're suffering enough… Don't get me wrong you deserve this, you made this mess but you don't deserve to…" Addison stopped not wanting to voice her worst fear that these too after how far they had come just might not make it.

"You think I've lost her don't you??? That this is it???"

"Derek…"

Two people though walking towards them lead by Bailey had caught his attention and every other feeling but anger was chased away as he faced the woman who had finally accomplished what she had been waiting ten years to do.

"Derek." Addison repeated in a now warning tone as she recognized the familiar signs of his quick temper and tried to place a restraining hand on his arm but he only shook it off.

"Do you know what you've done?? You had no right!"

"That's where your wrong I had every right… Meredith is my daughter!"

"And she's my wife!"

He bellowed, his admittance seeming to echo around them giving the gossips of Seattle Grace the answers they had been searching for.

"I should have been the one to tell her, not you! I love her which is more than you have ever done!"

"Love her… If you had any feelings for Meredith you would of walked away when firstly you found out how old she was and secondly that she was my daughter!"

Derek looked at her in exasperation as she threw out the same argument they had been having for what seemed like forever.

"She was eighteen an adult and your relationship had nothing to do with us; I never brought my relationship with her into work! But I am proud of her, I always have been and I'm more than proud that she's my wife!"

"So proud and in love you cheated on her Derek???" Ellis asked as her eyebrows rose in disbelief and for a second Derek paled before he let out a harsh laugh.

"You are the last person to preach about the sanctuary of marriage! I made a mistake, one which I will always regret…"

"Derek this is enough."

Richard interrupted knowing Derek's temper had lead him past the point of where he was considering what he said before he spoke but Derek only ignored him.

"Every time you screwed her up, put her down it was me who picked up the pieces, put her back together… I was the only one there! I was the one person who didn't walk away and I wont now!!!"

"It would be better if you did… Do you really think I like to see my only child in so much pain? I always knew one day you would do this, hurt her and you have! I was trying to protect her, she was in too deep to even see and I wanted her to stop avoiding anything she didn't want to face!"

"I…"

Derek started to shout but Bailey moved in-between them both her hands raised.

"The pair of you shut up!!! If either of you give a damn about that poor girl you will shut your mouths so that at least a little of her private life stays that way!" She stared at them both her eyes daring either of them to protest but neither did.

"Ellis, maybe we should go back to my office, Shep we'll discuss this later." Richard lead the reluctant Ellis away leaving a still fuming but chastised Derek staring between the two remaining women.

"And you can leave too; I want your neurotic dumb ass away from my intern before you do any more damage!" Bailey ordered but Derek shook his head.

"I am not going anywhere!"

"Yes you are Derek! You are going to come and check on my patient with me therefore leaving Mark to attempt to clear a little of your mess up!"

Addison moved her hands to her hips and Derek stared helplessly between the two formidable women.

"You will only make it worse, do as this fine woman tells you and leave the girl alone!"

"Oh god I never really escaped you did I??? Even Seattle has its very own Addison just a whole lot scarier!"

Derek groaned rubbing his hands over his face, feeling sick at the thought of what Meredith must be thinking as he watched in horror as Addison held her hand out to Bailey.

"I'm Dr Addison Sloane, his keeper in New York."

Bailey took her hand and shook it with a smile.

"Dr Miranda Bailey, this dumb asses keeper in Seattle!"

Grabbing hold of Addison's hand Derek pulled her away.

"I am going but only to make sure you two do not become friends… Tell Dr Mark Sloane to have me paged!" His eyes said what he didn't and Bailey nodded.

"I'll let her know but its up to her whether she finds you… Now just go!"

* * *

Mark knocked on the locker room door only to be answered by an angry voice as he pushed it open. 

"McDreamy you better piss off before I do some serious damage to your pretty face with a ten blade!"

"Ah let me guess you're the angry one with the _great _social skills and you must be the ex model…"

Mark grinned at the two women both stood facing him as if they were ready to commit murder.

"McDreamy huh??? Mmm it's the hair I suppose along with that smile that seems to make all the girls dream of a happy ever after… And then there's those blue eyes of his…Yeah I get it but sadly ladies I'm not a dreamy type of guy, I'm a little rougher than Derek…"

Mark drawled with a flirtatious grin that would of given Derek's best a run for his money and he didn't miss the fact the pretty blonde was trying her best not to ruin her scowl with a smile.

"Grey you in here? Cos you know what kid after all this time I'd say you owe me a little more than the silent treatment…"

"It depends what you're here for?" A small voice asked from behind the two girls.

"I'm here to see my second favorite hot doctor but my favorite intern, what else?"

Closing the door behind him he walked towards the bench as the girls parted reluctantly for him to crouch down in front of Meredith and take her hands in his.

"I almost forgot just how beautiful you are when your mad… However I would of expected a little more violence though, must say slightly disappointed Grey." He teased winning a watery smile as she leaned in to him and he opened his arms to accommodate her.

"First McDreamy now him… Seriously Christina we are working in the wrong hospital, the wrong city!"

"Tell me about it Barbie… New York gets McDreamy and Mc… McSteamy here while we're stuck with Bambi and Evil Spawn!"

"McSteamy… Mmm it so fits!"

Mark laughed at the pair of them as he held Meredith close, stroking her hair the way he would comfort a sister. Because just as Derek was a brother to him Meredith was the kid sister who you wanted to protect and to never see without a smile and it killed him to see her so crushed and defeated.

Derek had talked about nothing else after meeting her and he had wondered just what the big deal was right up that was till he met her. At eighteen she had seemed older than her years but with not only beauty but something else that seemed to draw you right to her. Maybe it was the misleading air of vulnerability or the way when she smiled at you it felt like you could actually touch her happiness… Whatever it was he didn't know but he had known she was the girl made for Derek Shepherd.

And if it had been anyone but Derek who had done this to her he would of done more damage to them than even he could repair but saying that there had been plenty of times over the last year when he could of happily knocked some sense into his best friend.

"So why are you here… Is Addie with you?" Meredith asked as she pulled back from him and Mark nodded.

"The Chief brought her in for a T.T.TS case and where Addison goes I happily follow… Plus Derek's been raving about this place so I thought I'd see for myself what the big deal is! Now are you going to introduce me to your friends who Derek has told me all about?" Taking her hand he pulled her to her feet.

"Yes Mer, introduce us!" Christina and Izzy said together and Meredith almost managed a laugh past the ever growing band of pain that was restricting her every breath and movement.

"This is Dr Mark Sloane who will happily tell you just how hot in plastics he is… Mark this is Christina and Izzy!"

"Look Mer we'll leave you to it…" Izzy smiled gently literally dragging Christina behind her.

"You want to talk kid, I know I'm not Addie but …" Mark said when it was just the two of them but Meredith only shook her head yet what comes with years of knowing her was the knowledge when she obviously did need to whether she liked it or not.

"So you know about Sarah and I'm guessing Derek wasn't the one who told you?"

"No my mother did… Sarah is that her name, I never knew that! Did you like her?"

Meredith was unsure of whether actually putting a name to the person who along with your own husband had caused so much damage in your life actually helped. Or whether she would of preferred for her to stay nameless so that a little part of her brain could still hold onto the hope that today had never really happened.

"She wasn't you so I was biased and Addie hated her… Derek's an ass for not telling you but kid you can get past this." Mark assured her as Meredith's eyes filled with uncertainty.

"Can we??? I'm not so sure… I love him I do but all this pain is it really worth it, maybe in time we both would be happier apart!"

She shrugged but her voice sounded even less convinced than she was because she had already tried to live without him and it just didn't work. And Mark obviously felt the same as he shook his head with a kind but slightly mocking smile.

"No you wouldn't… Mer after you left he was a shell, a mess… I'd never seen him like that before, he was lost!"

"And so was I… Do you think I wanted us to end up like this???" Meredith demanded a tinge of anger touching her words as she stared up at him. "I had no choice but to leave!"

"No I know that but this is my point you two cant function apart as much as sometimes you may want too,you need each other more than you both know! He made a mistake, a big mistake but you two have so much more than that Mer… Derek loves you and always has and I know you feel the same kid…" He sighed brushing away a tear that had escaped.

"If you walk away now can you honestly say that you wont regret it… Can you look me in the eyes and tell me you'll ever love another man in the same way you love him???"

"No I cant…" She admitted after a short silence and he nodded as she started to cry drawing her back into his arms.

**Okay so that was that... I never really fell for this chapter but i hope you lot enjoyed it and i promise you some MerDer action in the next chap. Right so next chap will be up by Thurs at the lastest and aswell as MerDer trying to find out where they go from here there should be some Addie and Mer but for now PLEASE hit the blue button and REVIEW!!!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Right well thank you dont seem enough for all the reviews but il say it anyway and i really really really do appreciate them so THANX and pls keep them coming!!!**

**Right so this is chapter 12 and its ending the day basically and i hope i havent dragged it out too much and that you'll like it even thou im not too sure about it... But as always PLS Read, Enjoy and Review.**

**Beautiful Disaster **

Leaving Mark with Meredith's fellow interns Addison followed the directions they had given her to the gallery overlooking Derek's O.R sure that was where she would find Meredith.

Pushing open the door and closing it behind herself Addison felt her heart go out to the girl who looked so fragile and lonely with her knees bent up on her chair her head propped up by her hand watching the man beneath. Sitting down beside her Addison silently waited for Meredith knowing right now it wasn't so much words she needed as someone just to be there.

Meredith didn't even have to look to know it was Addison, no one else except maybe Mark would have looked here and she was glad it was her; she had come here in search of peace away from everyone staring and even as an escape from her friends so Addison was a welcome soure of silent support and sympathy.

Watching Derek operate had always been a love of hers and ever since he had come to Seattle she had started watching him again every chance she got.

Back in New York in happier times it had always been their thing and her presence at the hospital so familiar that no one had ever questioned it and Addison had often joined her to keep her company whilst waiting herself for Mark.

"I missed you." Meredith said quietly her eyes still on Derek but she knew Addison was smiling as she felt her hand squeeze her own

"Me too… And I forgive you for not calling even if you did leave me with dumb and dumber! You do know neither of them are much help when you want to complain about your ass of a husband and his ass of a best friend!"

"I'm glad you're here." Meredith smiled looking at her for the first time and Addison nodded

"Good. But please if you value our friendship at all don't let your friends give me one of those McNames… I'm scared it might be McWife or worse…"

"Too late the boys already did you… McHot!"

Meredith found herself laughing when just a few minutes ago she had thought she would never feel like laughing again and it was all thanks to the expression on Addison's face. A strange mix of satisfaction and embarrassment.

"McHot, seriously…?"

"Seriously! It could be worse though I could tell them all about _Satan_ and then let their imagination run and I'll warn you Alex can be harsh…"

Addison tried to frown at her fighting back the laughter as Meredith looked innocently at her… Satan was what Derek used to call her whenever they really got into one of their fight which would leave Mark and Meredith trying to make peace between them till the storm had passed.

"Don't you dare Meredith Shepherd or I will let spill just what you did on Derek's thirtieth…" Addison smirked knowing she had won the battle as Meredith blushed at the memory "Alex is Evil Spawn and Bambi that's George isn't it???"

"You've met _my_ family?"

And with that one word and the look that settled on her friends face Addison knew that finally Meredith had found what she had been searching for ever since they had met but she couldn't help but wish she had found it in New York instead.

She knew Meredith loved Derek's own family but it had always been Derek's family and she knew Meredith had always wanted one of her own. One that had chosen her just like she had chosen them not people who had come as part of the package.

"Your not coming back to New York are you…? Mark and I were hoping you might."

"I can't not now but he…" Meredith hesitated not even wanting to voice the possibility that Derek might leave and seeing it Addison took her hand again.

"Derek will stay for as long as you do… You're his family Mer and Seattle seems to suit him plus it does have …"

"Ferry boats." Meredith finished for her laughing again as Addison grimaced in distaste and wonderment.

"I've never saw the appeal myself but yes ferry boats."

With a sigh Addison watched all trace of laughter fade as her eyes rested once more on Derek.

"You don't want to talk about him do you?"

"Not now, not yet but I will soon,"

"I'm here when you do."

"I know, you always have been… How long can you stay for Addie?"

Meredith asked hoping it wouldn't be just a quick visit Addison and Mark were the only people apart from herself who really knew Derek and got just what he meant to her, they had been there right from the start. And they were her family too she wanted them to get to know her Seattle family and become a part of her life here.

It was Addison who had kept her going back in New York when living with Derek had become near impossible, her shoulder to cry on and her support when she made the decision to leave. It was all three of them who had got her through medical school helping her study through the night and it had been them not her mother who had been there at her graduation.

"Richard's offered us both permanent positions though I'm not sure Mark or my hair could acclimatize to all this rain… But I have offered to cover while one of his attendings is on maternity leave!" Addison said feeling touched as relief washed over Meredith's too easy to read face.

"I'm glad you're staying Addie that you both are…"

Meredith's voice drifted away and it didn't take much to realize the cause as Derek for the first time since she had been there raised his eyes to the gallery. She watched as his whole body stilled and he seemed oblivious to everything else around him for the seconds there gazes locked and the guilt and misery in Derek's eyes made her want to hug him to reassure him that him and Meredith would be okay.

"Mer you don't doubt he loves you do you???" Addison asked unsure if Meredith had even heard, her attention still on Derek until she heard the answering whisper.

"No… it's not his love or my own I doubt." And Addison moved to put an arm around her letting Meredith's head fall onto her shoulder.

* * *

Her shift finished Meredith sat staring over the harbor, her eyes dry she watched the lights play over the water as the sky darkened trying her damned best to block out the pain that had taken hold of her since this morning just so she could think clearly. 

All she wanted was the world to stop for a few hours, allowing her some time to put everything in its place so for once she could know, really know what she felt.

Her anger she knew would pass, she could never stay angry at Derek she had learnt that within the first month of dating him. It was the sadness, the lingering guilt and regret because it wasn't only Derek who had made mistakes and more than that she was scared… Scared that they might never recover from this, never regain the happiness that had once been them that love no matter how much they might want it to be wont be enough.

"I thought you'd be at Joe's."

Derek took the seat beside her but Meredith didn't acknowledge his presence so clasping his hands together he leaned forward following the direction of her gaze out over the water.

Joe's had been the first place he had looked and though he had found her unwelcoming friends no one had seen Meredith. He'd done another hopeless search of the hospital before driving past her house only to find her car missing.

Coming up here had been the last resort just on the off chance she too was thinking of the other night when she had brought him up here after a night at Joe's.

"_When I couldn't sleep and I was missing you I'd come here just to think… Did you know I have a thing for ferry boats?" _

Her laughter had soon turned into gasps of desire when unable to resist her he had kissed her wanting to capture the sound of her happiness as his own.

And now a few days later all he wanted was to take her into his arms again but this time to relieve her pain, take the doubt away and start the process of wiping their slate clean.

"Someone told me I didn't need to do that anymore, that they were there instead…"

"I am here and I will be there… I'm sorry Mer!"

"But what exactly are you sorry for? Are you sorry Derek that you stayed with Sarah or are you sorrier that I even found out?"

He winced at the use of Sarah's name, hearing it from her lips for the first time, her voice that just this morning had been full of laughter and love now hard with anger and bitterness.

"For everything… I'm just so sorry!" He choked rejected as she moved her hand away from his, her whole body recoiling from his touch as she finally looked at him straight in the eye.

"Would you have ever told me…? If my mother hadn't would you have and don't just tell me what you think I want to hear… I need the truth!"

Meredith let go of her hold on her anger as he simply continued to stare at her.

"Damn it Derek just tell me!"

"I don't know…" He admitted his hands cradling his head as getting to her feet she moved forward, away from him with her head now bent looking down at the wet ground beneath her.

"I knew I should but it was too hard… Every time you smiled at me, every time you kissed me I felt less able, I didn't want to hurt you… Mer if I had told you about those two months would you of told me?"

Derek watched her back, her stance telling him she didn't want him or him asking that question.

"I know you, I know how you react to pain. You reach straight for the self destruct button and without me you had no one to stop you… You had no reason to stop!"

"And you had no reason to stop?" She asked turning slowly and going to meet her he grasped her arms and kept hold of them.

"No without you I had no reason to stop… I just wanted to feel something, something but pain and that's all it was!"

"Two months is a relationship Derek which is not the same as having a drunken one nigh... …" His hand covering her mouth stopped her from finishing.

"Don't okay, just don't say it I can't hear it… I don't want to know because.. ... your mine!"

Removing his hand her tears mirroring his own she shook her head

"I'm not making excuses or justifying anything but there is a difference… I just don't know where to go from here…"

"Tell me what to do, tell me what you want Mer and I'll do it" Derek's voice shook "Just tell ,me what you need me to do to fix this?"

The sound of his voice so broken lacking everything that made him who he was tore her in two and Meredith couldn't stop herself from falling against him and crying as he held her.

Leaning back she saw his pain and hated what she had to say.

"I need to be alone, be on my own for a while just give me that and we'll go from there…" Stepping away from him she turned her back and headed in the direction of her car but the sound of her name stopped her.

"Mer… Don't just leave."

She didn't turn back instead waited for him to reach her, Derek turned her around wordlessly staring down at her, before crushing her lips beneath his, taking nothing but giving all he had in that one kiss that ended all too soon leaving him to stand and watch as she drove away.

_He's soft to the touch  
But frayed at the end he breaks  
He's never enough  
And still he's more than I can take  
Oh and I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
He's such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster…_

**So there you go... Like i said this wasnt my fav chapter jus for the simple reason even after a lot of tweaking it still doesnt quite fit like the last!! But back to this Addie and Mark are here to stay for a while and Mer needs them right now and so does Derek because their reminders of what they once were and right now Mer just wants to on her own but somehow i just cant see Derek letting that happen and we still have Ellis to deal with!! Next Chap up in a few days but for now PLEASE REVIEW and il love you for it even more than i already do!!!**


	13. Chapter 13

**First off as always a HUGE thanx to the reviewers and i swear i really do appreciate every one of them and they make the hours i agonize over each chapter worth every second so Please them coming!!!**

**Now back to this its Chap 13 and we're getting rid of the wicked witch Ellis but she's leaving something behind that it the end will help MerDer... And for the first time we've got some Mark/Derek but for now PLEASE READ,ENJOY AND REVIEW!!!**

**Flesh and Blood.**

Lent back against the far wall of the elevator his chin on his chest his arms folded Derek raised his eyes slowly as the doors opened and he felt someone stood watching him.

"Hey."

Derek greeted softly as Meredith stepped into the elevator to stand alongside him and he felt just a little of the loneliness that had taken hold of him in the last two days ease, loosening the knot in his stomach. This was the closest she had been to him since the night she had told him she needed to be alone as she moved to stand alongside him.

"Hey."

Meredith didn't miss the dark shadows under his eyes, her own suffering echoed in the dullness of the blue as he stared at her his gaze relentless as they stood in silence the tension between them palatable and she knew it was just a matter of time before one of them broke.

"I miss you and I hate what's happened to us and I know it's my fault but right now it's been forty eight hours and we're acting like complete strangers!"

His voice rose quickly as stepping in front of her and without a thought did the one thing he most wanted to do, pulling her ruthlessly into his arms burying his face in her hair.

"Derek…"

Meredith sighed in defeat as her hands climbed up to tangle in his hair to hold him to her.

"I can't do this; I can't not talk to you and I can't pretend that this is in anyway what I want."

He growled his arms tightening as he hungrily kissed her neck pushing her back against the wall as his lips moved over her face. Gentling as his kissed the tears escaping from underneath her closed lids before pressing a tender kiss to her lips.

"We don't do space Mer… I need you and I can't stand it that I need you so much but I do! You're my wife and I just want us back!"

Meredith stared wordlessly at him as letting her go he started to pace the small space his hands running through his hair. Reaching out she grabbed hold of his hand.

"Don't you think I want that too… … but right now I can't be us…? For ten years I've been us and I don't regret that and I wouldn't change it but right now I need to be me and I need to know your behind this… You owe me this Derek!"

With that she reached up and kissed him before hurrying out through the now open doors and down the hall before she caved and rushed back into his arms.

* * *

"You okay man?" Mark asked pushing open the door to Derek's office to find him slouched in his chair his head in his hands. 

"Mer." Derek said rubbing his face before taking the coffee Mark was holding out and taking a long sip.

He knew Meredith was right he did owe her that but knowing something was right was a hell of a lot different to actually doing it. How was he meant to give her space when his whole body cried out for her and all he wanted was their old life back, the one he had tasted again briefly for that short time before her mother's arrival.

"So you and kiddo have been fighting… Well least it explains why I've just seen her looking just as bad as you… But at least Mer still manages to look hot while you just look rough!"

Ignoring Mark's comparisons between him and his wife Derek let out a humorless laugh.

"No fighting I could deal with, hell I would even enjoy fighting with my wife right now…"

"Remember when she snapped every one of your fishing poles in half cos you forgot it was Valentines Day!"

Mark grinned at the thought he had always enjoyed watching the Shepherds blow up or correctly Meredith blow up while Derek ducked for cover.

"What about the time she threw buckets of cold water over us after we got so drunk we ended up sleeping in the apartment doorway…"

"Or the time she threw your dinner at you when you complained it didn't taste right or like how your mother made it …"

Mark added knowing this trip down memory lane was just what Derek needed rather than all the brooding he had been doing for the last few days and it was good to see him smiling again.

"No my personal favorite was after I pissed her off by going on that weekend to Vegas with you so while I was away she dyed all my shirts and scrubs pink with a little help from Addie…"

Derek's laughter faded into a sigh

"Right now I would give anything to be fighting with her or to have her stamp on my cell instead of being like this while she figures if marriage to me is even what she wants anymore…"

Derek studied Mark in the silence

"If it was Addie what would you do??"

"You might not believe this but I would give her time and if you don't want to lose the kid forever I suggest that's what you should do…" Mark advised patting his friend on the shoulder before smirking

"Live up to your name Dr McDreamy..."

"Piss off..." Derek laughed throwing a patients chart at him.

* * *

Meredith watched her mother and Richard walk towards her with apprehension as the last thing she needed right now was another confrontation but she had no choice but to face them as they had already seen her and was now heading right for her. 

"Richard could you give us a minute?" Ellis asked and glancing between mother and daughter he nodded.

"Of course."

"You're leaving then…"

It was a statement rather than a question and the first words exchanged since their argument in Richard's office.

"My flight leaves at noon."

"Oh, okay well have a safe flight and that." Meredith shrugged and couldn't help but wonder if they hadn't bumped into each other would she of even known.

"Meredith I never wanted to see you in pain that's one of the reasons why I was always so against this relationship and I know you think Der…"

Not wanting to hear what was coming next Meredith held up her hand in what she knew to be a near perfect imitation of Bailey but she had no other choice and she couldn't bear to hear anymore about Derek.

"No Mom I wont discuss him with you anymore, like you told me about your relationship with Richard is none of my business well neither is my marriage or my husband any of your's."

She said only just managing to keep her emotions in check and refrain from raising her voice which she knew would give everyone else something to talk about.

"Fine if that's how you want it but here."

Ellis handed her the small slip of paper and Meredith could hardly believe her eyes when she read the name and address written upon it.

"What? How did you… Why?" She asked searching her mother's impassive face but Ellis only shrugged

"Thank Richard for that it has nothing to do with me as I still stick by the fact you were better off without him but he feels we owe you the chance to find out for yourself… But I promise you Meredith there isn't any drawer full of returned unopened cards."

She walked towards where Richard was waiting for her leaving Meredith speechlessly staring after her feeling that there was only one person she could share this with and that meant breaking every rule she had made since their elevator ride.

_Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood,_

_And you're the one I need…_

**Okay so that was that and i bet you can all guess whats on that slip well i hope you cant cos then it will be a big surprise and i love surprises... So Derek is finding this hard and im not sure if its gonna get easier even though there will be definately a lot more MerDer coming up and the next chap will be up by Monday but for now feed me a little more and PLEASE HIT THE BLUE BUTTON!!!**


	14. Chapter 14

**THANK YOU so much to all of you who reviewed with such lovely comments!!! Seriously im smiling like really big now and you know its one of those real goofy smiles but i dont care cos you made me happy!!!! **

**Anyway back to this its Chapter 14 and for this im letting up on the angst a little and its mainly MerDer and its Derek taking Marks advice from the last chapter and living up to his McDreamy name... Well i hope thats how it works out???**

**But as always for now Read/Enjoy and PLEASE REVIEW!!!**

**You Took My Heart**

"Have either of you seen Derek today?" Meredith asked tiredly as even the simple task of pulling a scrub top over her head took more effort and energy than usual.

The whole of last night had been spent dithering between picking up the phone to call Derek only to hang up before it rang and simply staring at the information her mother had given her wondering where the hell she went from here.

She couldn't pretend that she hadn't seen it or that if she threw the address away everything would go back to normal because it wouldn't no matter how much she may want it too this was something she needed to deal with and make a decision about.

Even now after hours of playing out every scenario in her head she was still undecided but what she did know was that there was only one person with whom she wanted to share this with.

Yesterday after their moment in the elevator she had decided it would be better to keep a distance between them, it seemed fairer less painful but now all this had turned that on its head. Maybe she wasn't ready to be them again but this had shown her if nothing else that she wasn't ready to cut him out of her life either.

"No, why are you looking for McDreamy anyway? I thought you were taking space and that…" Izzy asked redoing her hair but watching Meredith.

"We are, I am but I need to talk something over with him…"

"What… Who gets what in the divorce? Take him for all he's worth Mer cos I'm guessing by the looks of that rock hanging from that chain around your neck McDreamy's McLoaded!" Christina's cackle was drowned out by Izzy screech.

"You're getting a divorce seriously?"

"No, no one is getting a divorce… Christina!"

"I'm glad cos he's pissing me off already with those you just ran over my puppy looks… Can you imagine how bad it would be if you actually divorced his silly ass???"

"So what is it then if it's not a divorce?"

"It's nothing Izz really it's nothing… I don't know what to do and he will or he should at least I think he should but maybe he wont." Meredith rambled as she began to wish she had never started this as she knew Izzy wouldnt let it drop untill she was satisfied and in some ways she was worse than Christina.

"But isn't the whole point of taking space is so you can figure out what you want and now your going to him for help… I mean Meredith you've only just found out that he stayed with that Sarah woman!"

"And do you think that suddenly I've forgiven him and forgot all about it??? Well trust me I haven't but… …"

"But what???" Izzy asked and slamming her locker shut with a bang Meredith turned to face her friends.

"I love him! He knows me, he's my husband, he's my best friend at the end of the day it's Derek- Even when he hurts me and even when I hate him he's who I wanna talk to!!!"

Meredith told them her voice quiet as she stared between her friends trying to make them see that the bond between Derek and her couldn't just be broken, they had shared too much to do that.

"Ah but he isn't your person…"

Christina moved from lying down on the bench to sitting up and Meredith sat down besides her dropping her head on to Christina's shoulder.

"No he isn't my person and Izz he…"

But Izzy stopped her, holding both her hands up as she shook her head.

"I get it Mer… Well I'll try too!"

* * *

Approaching the table in the cafeteria where Mark and Derek were sat Meredith felt eyes follow her progress. Now the actual truth was out about them instead of stopping the whispers they seemed to have escalated along with the interest in them. 

"Hi." Meredith greeted causing both men to look up, Mark with a wide welcoming grin and Derek a softer smile that soon turned into a look of concern.

"Hey Mer, you okay?" Derek asked getting up and giving her his seat while he grabbed another for himself from the next table.

"Yeah you look worn out, still beautiful but worn out… Has my tyrant of a wife been riding you to hard, need me to sort her out kid???" Mark teased her but with a wan smile she shook her head.

"I'm fine… seriously I'm fine…" She assured as the two best friends looked at her with the same skeptical expression.

"Look I'll leave you two to it." Mark got up not even sure either had heard both absorbed in the other their eyes doing the talking their mouths weren't.

"I'll catch up with you later!" Derek murmured his eyes still on his wife, his fingers itching to reach out and smooth the frown from her face.

"What's up Mer and don't tell me your fine because it's pretty clear your far from being fine?"

"It's just well my mom gave me this before she left and I just wondered what you thought. Cos one minute I think I should go see him and then I'm not so sure… And I know about the whole space thing but your you and I can talk to the others but they might not get it and I know you will but…"

Meredith ran out of breath as Derek tried not to grin at her babbling.

"Mer you don't have to explain yourself to me and I want to be the one you turn too!"

Derek took the now crumpled piece of paper from her hand his mouth falling open as he read.

"Your mother gave you this… Your mother gave you your father's address… Seriously??"

Derek knew all too well what this meant to her and leaning closer he took both her hands in his. His grip tight as he shuffled his chair nearer to hers.

Throughout the years there had been countless times when her strength had held him up. When his father had died eight years ago it had been Meredith who had been the strong one. It was her who had given him comfort when no one else had been able to reach him, she was the one that had held him through his tears eased his mind and now he knew it was his time to be there for her.

"I think it was more Richard but now I don't know what to do… I mean is there really any point in opening old wounds? He's probably married with children…"

"Maybe so but you're his child too, Mer you've always wanted to know why… And now you have the means, the way to get the answers! It's not like you have to rush in to this, take your time you dont have to decide now..."

"Damn!"

Her pager going off broke them apart and looking down she frowned.

"Its 911 I have to go!" She said hurriedly getting to her feet but his hand on her arm stopped her from rushing off.

"Meet me later?" Derek asked on impulse.

"What?"

"At Joe's, we can talk more… Let me be a friend Mer if nothing else?" He pleaded and for a second Meredith lost herself in his eyes drawn in by his most persuasive smile.

"Okay."

"Okay I'll meet you there."

* * *

Meredith saw him as soon as he entered, watching with her heart thumping as his eyes searched the bar. His stance relaxing his expression softening in to a smile as he saw her. 

"Good evening Dr Grey."

His grin was the exact same one she had fallen so hard for and it was obvious just how happy he was to be here and not wanting to make it slip or chase away his warmth she returned his smile with one of her own before pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"Dr Shepherd."

"No friends?" Derek asked his eyes scanning the room only to return to her as she shook her head.

"No, no friends. Um Joe can I get another beer and his usual?"

Joe nodded as smiling Derek eyed her with curiosity

"No tequila either huh?"

"No Derek no tequila either… Now you grab us a table and I'll get these."

Meredith couldn't stop herself from watching as he moved through the mid week crowd with all the arrogance of a man who knew that women's eyes were following him. But she couldn't blame them, Mark was right Derek and his blue eyes did make you dream of a happy ever after and she hoped with all her heart when they got through this there would be one for them.

"So…?"

Derek was the first to break the comfortable silence they had slipped in to, all their talking so far done by their eyes and tentative smiles.

"You think I should go see Thatcher?"

"Mer only you can make this decision … But it might just take care of some of your outstanding daddy issues???" His voice switched from serious to one of light teasing.

"I do not have any daddy issues!!!" She spluttered in to her beer as openly grinning now he nodded

"You do and may I remind you that you told me that yourself when you decided I was too good in bed to let go and that you'd have to set rules for us!"

Meredith was fighting her smile knowing he had purposefully set out to lighten her mood but Derek wasnt fooled he could see the answering gleam in her eyes.

"You are not that good in bed Derek Shepherd and for the record it was you who decided we needed rules!"

"Oh I am and you are trying to rewrite history Meredith Shepherd!"

Using his thumb he stroked her stubborn chin as he watched her, enjoying her fight to keep her scowl in place.

"It means a lot that you came to me with this." His voice dropping turning husky as she gave in and smiled warmly at him.

"You were the first person I wanted to talk too; you always are Derek, which is what makes all this so hard… And the fact that you are here means just as much to me and just so you know about what you said yesterday… I don't want us to be strangers either."

Meredith took the hand that was still cupping her chins in hers and squeezed it tightly as his eyes darkened and his head lowered.

"Good."

Derek knew that wasn't enough and he knew it in no way expressed how he really felt but knowing Meredith he knew any more would scare her and he would lose this openness that was with this slowly returning and for the first time he was thankful for Ellis Grey.

"I need to know why Derek, why he just left without a goodbye, why he didn't come after me… I need to see if his version is any different to my mothers…"

For two years she had never mentioned her father to him, every time he asked she would simply turn away and shake her head that was up until his own father's death. Now just like then she had that same brittle edge to her voice and moving his stool around to hers he placed his arm around her.

"And Thatcher is the only one who can answer that… When you're ready to do it whenever your ready I could come with you, wait in the car or something...?"

"Thanks but I need to do this alone…" Meredith said her head now resting on his shoulder

"You need to be you."

"I need to be me…"

She told him raising her head and moving that little bit further away from them knowing it was for the best even as her heart cried out to return to his warmth.

Reaching out Derek took hold of her left hand pressing his lips to the place where his rings belonged.

"I'll be there if you need me… I can never be just a friend to you Mer so I'm here and I'm waiting and I love you just don't forget that!"

_You took my heart and ran away  
Forever in my heart you'll stay  
No matter what we've been through  
I'm going to keep on loving you_

**So that was that and once again im not in love with this cos for me it seems a little stilted and doesnt flow quite how i liked but well i hope you guys did like it!!! **

**So Ellis gave Mer Thatcher's address and i guess some of you are wondering how this will help MerDer and i did drop clues in here... You know its got them talking again and its giving Derek a chance to be there for her etc. Now i know Thatcher is going to make an appearence but it wont be Mer falling into his arms cos well that jus a bit too unrealistic so im rambling now so il stop... **

**But next chap up in a few days but for now keep me smiling n PLEASE hit the blue button!!!!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Okay well as always got to say THANX for the reviews and PLEASE KEEP THEM COMING!!!!!**

**But back to this its Chapter 15 and i apologise in advance that this is more of a filler chapter leading up to Thatcher appearing nxt chap... Oh and if its a bit patchy them please feel free to blame these horrible germs that have taken over me and left me red nosed, watery eyed and wanting nothing more than my bed so yeah no matter how bad it is you should show me love for updating when im sick cos it'll make me feel better!!! **

**Anyway but as always READ, ENJOY AND PLS REVIEW!!!!**

**I'll Be There**

Addison smiled at the sight that met her when she found her way down to the basement corridor; Meredith laid out on a stretcher with a patients chart held up open over her head.

"Is there room for two on that or is this strictly intern only territory?"

"Only for anyone but you Addie, what's that you've got there?"

Having pushed herself up glad of her friends company Meredith spied the brown paper bag Addison was carrying

"Your lunch Dr Grey courtesy of now let me get this right the _handsome_, _charming_ and _incredibly talented _Head of Neurology…"

Addison grinned as she repeated the exact words Derek had instructed her to say and saw the full effect of what he had wanted as Meredith broke into laughter.

"He forgot arrogant ass then as usual…"

Taking the bag as Addison sat down beside her Meredith opened it to find the same lunch she had ordered whenever he had brought her lunch from the deli across the street.

"What's he after???"

"You and your forgiveness but he told me when you asked that to tell you not to be so suspicious and can't a husband simply buy his wife lunch… What are you doing down here anyway?"

"Avoiding said Head of Neurology…"

"What's he done now?"

"Apart from being all dreamy nothing its just I cant think straight when I'm around him and right now thinking is what I need to do! How did you find me?"

"Miranda… She said if I didn't find you I was bound to find one of her _suck ups _down here and where there was one the others are often near by… But it's not just Derek is it Mer?"

"No it's not just him… … It's my father."

"Your father?"

That was the last thing Addison had expected, never before had Meredith mentioned her father to her or Mark as far as she knew.

She had always thought it a bit strange that Meredith refused to talk about her family or her past until she had found out exactly who was Meredith's mother and that had only been because of Derek. She knew most people in Meredith's situation would have taken full advantage of every door her mother's name could open but in medical school she had used the surname Shepherd and not even the friends she had made there had known or if they did find out it wasnt from Meredith.

And as for her father Addison had assumed he was dead because not even Derek had mentioned him and every question posed even running up to the wedding had been deflected or just brushed off.

"Mmm I'm going to see him tonight and now I'm trying to figure out what to say… What do you say Addie to a man you haven't seen in over twenty years and who has no idea your even coming?" Meredith asked looking a lot younger than her twenty eight years in all her uncertainty.

"Hello would be a good place to start."

Addison said dryly and laughing Meredith nodded

"Yeah that's about as far as I've got!"

"You want to know what I think?" Addison asked her voice gentling as she smiled reassuringly at Meredith

"Go on."

"When you see him you'll know exactly what to say… I know you Mer and you won't be able to stop yourself! I'm guessing Derek knows?"

"Mmm he was the first person I told, the only person well apart from you."

Addison felt touched that Meredith confided in her and a sense of relief that Derek had been the one person Meredith had turned too.

"So there is hope still for you two… I hated the thought you might not make it."

"He's Derek freaking Shepherd and I'm me messed up me, Addie there will always be hope."

Meredith sighed making a helpless gesture with her hands and Addison grinned, Meredith had a point as long as they were them there would always be hope. How could they really be apart when together they fit so well and both brought the best out of the other?

* * *

Derek looked up as the door to his office opened, his smile slipping when he saw it was the Chief and not Meredith as he had hoped. 

"You got a moment Shep?"

Richard asked closing the door and pushing away his paperwork Derek nodded

"Sure what's up?"

"It's just I was wondering how Meredith was? I would ask her myself but sometimes she's a lot more like Ellis than she realizes and its not too easy to get close enough and I have the distinct feeling your wife is avoiding me."

Derek saw concern in the older mans face and it wasn't just the concern of a boss for one of his staff and now knowing the true nature of Richard and Ellis's relationship he could better understand the affection that had always existed from Richard for Meredith.

"She's coping… How I don't know because these past months since she left New York haven't been exactly easy for her and now she has to decide about Thatcher and if she even wants to open up more old wounds…"

"I'm glad she shared that with you i knew it would be hard for her… I didn't want her to have to face it by herself."

Richard felt relief spread through him easing the guilt that had taken hold of him ever since Meredith had confronted him in his office. He knew Derek well enough to know that Meredith no matter what state their marriage was in wouldn't be alone in this.

"Mer's under the impression it was down more to you than her mother and I have a feeling she's probably right."

Derek said watching Richard as he nodded

"It was because of our relationship that their marriage ended that Meredith was deprived of knowing her father… I felt we owed her this even if it is a little late."

With a final nod Richard turned to leave but Derek stopped him by asking the one question he had been wondering about ever since he had found out about the affair.

"Why didn't you stay with Meredith's mother?"

"What?"

Richard turned back from the door surprised by the sudden change in direction

"Ever since I found out I've been wondering why you never stayed with Ellis, you obviously loved her?"

"I could have left Adele. I could have gone away with Ellis. But I would have had so much baggage, so much guilt. Ellis couldn't see it but I wasn't-- I would have never made her happy. Not like she deserved to be happy. I was a better man for walking away. I loved her enough to walk away."

This struck Derek as remarkably sad and he had never expected such an answer and he knew unlike Richard he would never have the strength to walk away or stay away for years from Meredith and with solemn eyes he looked up at him.

"Ellis has thought for the past ten years I should have walked away from Meredith but I never could and I never wanted too… I love her to much to leave, even now when all we once had has fallen apart I still couldn't ever imagine doing it!"

"Well now is your chance to prove Ellis wrong Shep not that i think Ellis's opinion really matters to you …"

* * *

"Hey!" 

Derek called stepping out of the elevator catching sight of Meredith in front of him, ever since Addison had told him she was going to see her father tonight he had been hoping to see her but just like Richard he had the distinct impression his wife was avoiding him.

Meredith stilled at the sound of his voice her feet stopping following the command of her heart instead of listening to her brain that told her clearly to ignore him and keep walking.

"Hey yourself." She smiled a smile that was gone as quickly as it came

"Are you going round there now Mer?"

Derek took her hand in his, his grip firm as she tried to pull away and Meredith knew unless she wanted to cause a scene she had no choice but to bend to his will and let him hold her hand.

"You do know people are looking at us…"

"You're my wife, I have been holding your hand for the past ten years they can stare all they want… I like holding your hand and I know you like it too…"

His head bent closer his lips brushing her ear, his breath tickling her as desire melted the little resistance she had against him.

"You're an ass and seriously ruining all the good you did by buying me lunch!" She hissed walking reluctantly beside him but his laughter was contagious and soon she couldn't help but join in.

"Now that's better…"

His grin was one of satisfaction knowing he had got his own way this time and finding her smile too much for his self control he stopped her and snatched a kiss from her lips, taking full advantage of her gasp of surprise.

"I bet they really are staring now!"

He teased only to receive a punch from her free hand to his arm.

"You are an ass… But yeah I am going round there so now will you stop acting like a jerk!"

Stopping in front of her car Derek released her hand only to pull her to him

"I didn't mean to be a jerk I just wanted you to smile a little that's all and then when you did I couldn't resist you… I have little self control you know!"

"You're an ass you can't help it i know that, Im scared Derek" She ended in a whisper snuggling closer against him as his arms tightened appreciating the security, how safe she always felt in his arms.

"Tonight I'll be at the trailer waiting, whatever time I'll be waiting okay so if you need me I'll be there…"

_I'll reach out my hand to you  
I'll have faith, you know you do  
Just call my name  
And I'll be there  
_

**So that was that not the greatest i know but i promise the next chap will be a lot better and i will try to get it up by the weekend... **

**But so im still un decided how much of a part Thatcher will play in this story but Mer will meet him in the next chap and Derek in my head is telling me at some point he'd like to meet Thatcher so we'll have to wait and see...**

**Now though PLEASE help me feel better and HIT THE BLUE BUTTON cos it'll work better than any cold medicine and should make me update quicker!!!!**


	16. Chapter 16

**So as always thanks to those of you who reviewed i love you for it seriously helped make me feel better... This was meant to be up on Fri but the horrid virus had me in bed so im sorry and hope its suitably long to make up for it!!!**

**Anyway this is Chapter 16 and it start off with Thatcher which is kinda based on how they met on the show but i let Mer have her say and then its what you've been waiting for some MerDer... **

**So for now PLEASE Read, Enjoy and PRETTY PLEASE REVIEW!!!**

**I Don't Know**

It had taken ten minutes of staring up at the house from the safety of her car before Meredith had managed to get up the path to ring the doorbell.

And now as she stood waiting for it to be answered she felt her courage begin to slip away, half turned to retreat back to the car the only thing stopping her was pure stubbornness because this was one thing she had to do, this was a ghost she had no choice but to face.

Then it was too late to do anything but stand and stare because for the first time in twenty three years Meredith was face to face with her father.

Meredith found it difficult to breathe, conflicting emotions constricting her throat, the thump of her heart so loud she was sure he must be able to hear it too as the deafening silence continued.

Memories like clips of a movie flickered through her mind as mixing in with the shock and deep sadness was burning white anger. Anger that this man one of the two people, her parents who were meant to love and protect her had seemed to just let go so easily without a backward glance, because surely if there had been this meeting would have happened a long time ago.

"Meredith???"

It was a voice of bewildered amazement as she felt his gaze travel tracing every feature, taking everything in as his face showed nothing but shock.

"She was having an affair with Richard Webber?"

"Yes… Yes she was."

"So why didn't you stay and fight for her, for me???"

"I did stay Meredith I tried but…"

Meredith shook her head taking a step back to keep the distance between them as Thatcher moved on to the doorstep shutting the door behind himself, closing her she felt out of his new life.

And she couldn't help but wonder what he had behind that door… A new wife maybe who she guessed would be the complete opposite of her mother, did they have children, and did he have a new family… The one thing growing up she had always wanted, a real family.

"Not hard enough. You knew better than most what my mother was like but you still let me go! You didn't even say goodbye, I was five and one day my _Daddy _was there and the next he was gone…Do you have any idea what that was like???"

"I thought it was for the best… I was a broken mess and you, you were so young."

Thatcher stuttered tripping over his words and for the first time Meredith let the anger surface.

"Seriously? For the best seriously… Do you want to know what I think? I think you were too busy thinking of what she had done to you to even think about me or the life you were giving me by leaving!"

"It wasn't like that I really did believe it was better for you to be with your mother… She could give you the life I couldn't… I just…" He stopped to stare down at the floor before raising watery eyes back to meet hers.

"Do you um do you need anything, do you need anything at all?"

Staring at him through tear glazed eyes Meredith tried to see the kind, caring, attentive father she had loved so much but she couldn't… All she could see was the loneliness that had been her life after he had left, the same loneliness she had felt right up until Derek had sat down beside her in the lobby of that New York hospital and had gone forever when she had met her Seattle family.

"No I don't need anything from you now… But I did need you…"

Meredith paused taking a deep breath as resentment grew inside making her want to hurt him the same way she had been hurt.

"I needed you every time she didn't come home from the hospital for days on end, I needed you when I was seven and scared of the dark or when I had a nightmare and no one was there to tell me it was just a dream! I needed you on every birthday she forgot, for every school appointment or event she couldn't make because of a surgery… I needed you at my graduation and at all the other important times when I had to do it all alone…"

The fact that she hadn't been able to shout had made each word more pronounced, every feeling of pain evident and Meredith watched as his face crumpled with guilt and sorrow at the impact of her words causing him to look every one and more of his sixty years.

"I didn't know…"

"No you didn't for the simple reason you never cared enough to find out… I only came here for answers, just to know why that's it but it doesn't matter anymore!"

Turning Meredith ran back down the path towards her car, ignoring his protest as her tears became too much to hold back.

She drove away quickly without looking back but only managed to get a block away before having to stop, only to rest her head against the steering wheel as the sobs shook her slight frame.

When the tears finally eased Meredith knew exactly where she was going and that just for the next few hours she would forget the world and just be with him.

* * *

Derek had been crawling the walls now for what felt like hours waiting for her whilst still unsure that she would even turn up. 

He had been worrying himself half out of his mind as he paced from one end of the trailer to the next unable to even contemplate sitting still. He finally stopped pacing as headlights lit up the trailer and its surrounding land and he wasn't sure whether to be relieved that she had come to him instead of spending the night at Joe's or to be more worried about just how bad it had gone that she had chosen to come to him.

"I don't want to talk about it!"

Were Meredith's first words to him as he opened the door, studying her closely his heart plummeted at the visible signs of upset from the red rims around her eyes to the marks of shed tears still staining her cheeks.

"Okay." Derek nodded knowing he had no other choice unless he wanted to push her away.

He was unable to tear his eyes away as she kicked off her shoes before sitting down heavily on his bed only to pull a bottle of tequila out of her bag.

"Tequila… You didn't hit him did you Mer???"

"We're not talking Derek we're going to drink… Drink a lot so either you can get some glasses and join me or simply carry on standing there while I drink… a lot!"

Doing as she said Derek collected two tumblers from the cupboard above the sink before moving to join her, smiling at just how right she looked, how at home. Not because a trailer was the right place for her but because she looked at home wherever he was. That's why their apartment hadn't felt like home after she left, why New York wasn't home anymore, it was as he already knew … Home for him was wherever Meredith was.

"Why are you smiling at me? Don't smile at me… I know that smile it's your dirty smile so just stop! No…"

"What?" Derek asked feigning innocence, pretending that she hadn't just read him so perfectly and that he hadn't just been imaging what he'd like to do to her.

"No there will be no taking advantage of me… No drunken sex!"

"May I point out it's you who brought the alcohol and its you whose sat on my bed so if anyone was planning on taking advantage I'd say it was you Meredith Shepherd! And just so you know I'm up for it… very in fact!"

"Ass!"

Meredith tried not to laugh but ended up smiling anyway and that's why she had come here instead of going home to her friends.

Derek always managed to make things better that nothing was ever as bad as she thought. And it never was not when she was with him because as much as he was able to hurt her he was also the one person able to fix her.

Sitting in front of her Derek copied her position crossing his own legs as with her head tilted she watched him with a thoughtful expression.

His heart kicking in his chest as unexpectedly she leaned forward and with her hands on his knees kissed him softly but quickly.

"So do you think you can still keep up with me or are you passed it, you know too old?"

Meredith teased avoiding his watchful gaze as she filled the glasses wanting to numb the pain of her father and blank out the desire burning in the pit of her stomach that simple kiss of thanks had caused.

"Old? Passed it? Do you want me to demonstrate just how passed it I am???"

"Shut up and drink your drink Dr Shepherd."

Derek knocked the tequila back in one fighting the urge to cough as the liquid burnt its way down his throat but he was unable to stop the his mouth twisting in a grimace of distaste.

"You're out of practice." Meredith said before downing hers in one without any reaction then refilled both of their glasses.

"This brings back fuzzy memories… I can't remember the last time we did this Mer?"

"Me either… Which is the kind of the whole point of tequila Derek, the last time was probably something one of us or both for that matter wanted to forget! I do remember your first time though; you got so drunk you were sick!"

"I did not."

Derek protested knowing exactly where she was heading with this even though he had no actual memories of that night, the first time Meredith had introduced him to her love of tequila.

When he had decided that on those few times he couldn't stop her from drinking he would join her and instead of doing it in some bar they would do it at home where he knew she would be safe.

"Yes you did in Mark's closet!"

Laughing now Derek remembered all too well his best friends reaction the next morning when he had found his new leather jacket ruined and had served a very hung over him with a huge dry cleaning bill.

"Oh god he was so pissed at me and you just wouldn't stop laughing…"

Derek managed through his laughter and Meredith nodded her smile slipping as the laughter caught in the back of her throat as the reason why she was doing it this time came flooding back.

"Tonight I thought if I saw him it would feel different that I would finally have that missing piece but it didn't… He asked me if I needed anything that was it Derek."

Derek took the glass from her hand putting on the floor before lifting her up onto his lap all laughter forgotten in the need to comfort her. Her legs circled his waist as her head found its place in the crook of his neck.

"Mer baby he was probably in shock and he …"

"I don't need him now as much as it hurts; there isn't room for him… Don't you see Derek I have a family now, it may not be a normal one but its mine!"

Derek knew now wasn't the time but he couldn't not ask.

"And me is there room for me?"

Pulling back Meredith wondered for a second how they had got from her father on to them but nodding she kept eye contact with him as she spoke.

"There will always be room for you, no matter what happens but Derek…"

"What?" Derek asked stroking the hair back from her face.

"Don't ever just let me go again… Make me stay and fight for me for us! Don't ever convince yourself it would be better to let me go because it wont be…"

Meredith whispered her breathing quickening as his lips inched closer before meeting hers in a searing kiss that caused her to arch against him pressing herself even closer eager for more as her hands tangled in his hair to hold him to her.

Her only rational thought was that it had been too long since they had done this…

_Don't always know where the road will lead, gotta understand that it's alright.  
Always there for you, you've been there for me.  
And I still wonder why..._

_I don't know, you don't know, we don't know  
don't know where we're going.  
But, we'll find our way together.  
We'll make it through whatever.  
I don't know, you don't know, we don't know  
don't know where we're going.  
But, we'll find a way to make it through.  
Just me and you…_

**Well so that was that i hoped you guys liked the Thatcher bit and well as for Mer the last thing she said to Derek before they kissed was the most important line of this chapter i thought cos its her saying to him she doesnt want him to leave her or ever think she's better off without him no matter what!!! **

**So as for them the next chap will deal with the day after and what happened but for now PLEASE hit the blue button and REVIEW and i should have the next chap up by Wed!!!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks for all of you lovely people who reviewed and im feeling seriously guilty that this is later than i promised but i had coursework due and nephews to baby sit so i had no chance to upload so im sorry and i hope lots of Mer/Der makes up for it... **

**So back to this its Chap 17 and i hope you all enjoy it... The second part of the chap im not too sure whether i got it right but anyways thats for you to decide so as always Read,Enjoy and PLEASE REVIEW!!!**

**Strong Hand**

Meredith scrambled around the trailer collecting her discarded clothes and pulling them on as quickly and quietly as she could. The knowledge that it was still early and the fact she didn't want to wake Derek were the only things stopping her from having a complete meltdown.

Last night had been amazing… more than amazing it was them at their very best, the months apart only adding to the ferocity of their desire, as always with them their appetites for each other insatiable and all consuming.

But last night was last night and along with morning came reality, cold hard reality and one night alone couldn't fix them and the longer she could go without facing an awake Derek the better for her and her self control.

Grabbing her watch from the bedside table Meredith was hit by the sudden realization that something was different and it had her glancing down at her left hand only to become perfectly still as her rings winked back up at her.The first one the exquisite square cut diamond ring Derek had slid onto her finger on their third anniversary, the second added a few months later the twin of the one he wore.

Meredith found the chain they usually hung from tangled on the floor and picking it up she tried to figure out exactly when he had managed to do this. In the short interludes they had slept she hadn't been aware of a moment when his arms weren't tightly around her, his body pressed as close as possible against her leaving her unsure of exactly where she ended and he began.

"Please don't Mer…"

Propping himself up on his elbow Derek watched as her fingers stilled at his request, her stormy green pools locking with his for a brief second before panic set in drawing them away and Meredith knew unless she moved quickly she wouldn't be leaving at all.

"You're awake and I have pre rounds so I should go, yeah I need to go… definitely… go!"

As she bent to press a rushed kiss to his cheek Derek grabbed her slim waist pulling her down onto him, silencing her protests with a hungry kiss that Meredith had no power to resist and that he drew away from reluctantly leaving them both breathless with swollen lips.

"I won't let you run away so that you can spend the next few days or however long you chose avoiding me! Last night…,"

"Last night was fantastic, it was us doing what we do best but that's the whole point… Sex was never our problem Derek and last night only proved that, I'm not ready… I haven't … … …"

Derek interrupted her as she had done to him

"Forgiven me yet??? You're still unsure of everything… I get that Mer! Hell as much as I don't want to I even understand it and after all I've put you through you have every right… But last night you told me to fight so I'm fighting Meredith and just so you know I'm gonna use everything I've got, that we have…"

"And the rings???"

Meredith asked knowing the determined glint in his blue eyes meant disaster for the plans she had of getting any space from him and the little part of her still so vulnerable after last night fell that little more if it was possible in love with him.

Derek wasn't her father he wouldn't let her go; he was willing to fight for her for them.

"I miss seeing them on your finger of knowing i belong… I'd like to make a new condition???"

Derek said releasing her only to move her so she was laid flat on her back with him leaning over her, his fingers gently stroked her face as if he was calming a scared animal that was likely to bolt.

"Wear the rings as proof to me that _we _still mean as much to you as it does to me… So that I'll know if you ever decide to take them off because being us isn't what you want that we both gave our all… The rings they mean we're fighting for our love to be enough…"

Meredith tore her eyes from his to look down at them, feeling their familiar weight as she remembered exactly what it had meant the day he had slipped them on… How sure she had been that Derek was the man with whom she would spend the rest of her life with.

"Please…"

Derek took her hand, kissing the rings before pressing it against his bare chest and Meredith felt his heart beat beneath her palm.

Staring up into the blue depths Meredith for the first time since finding out about Sarah saw them being able to get through this. Having the life he had described to her the night he had first shown her the trailer and it was that spark of hope that answered for her as she slid her hand up from his chest and around to the back of his neck to pull him down to her.

"So we're fighting…" She whispered right before her lips met his throwing away in the process every resolution she had made that last night was a mistake.

* * *

"Um… so Mer you're wearing your rings...?" 

It was Izzy who finally brought up what Meredith knew was now common knowledge and that was hot topic with the nurses but so far she had only even briefly discussed it with Addison and Christina.

For the simple reason that neither of the pair would judge her nor ask her exactly what she was doing because right now a confrontation with the need for her to explain herself was the last thing she wanted.

She felt drained still from the emotion of seeing her father last night but she was trying to deal with it in her own way but it was getting hard to ignore when Derek insisted on hovering around her all day, even now he was watching her from across the bar as if he expected her to break down at any moment and start throwing things.

"I am… We're trying, I'm trying." Meredith said taking the beer Joe had placed in front of her.

"I think its good Grey that you're not giving up on the dude."

For a second Alex's smile was the gentle less cocky one she had seen on the countless nights he had kept her company at this very bar before his usual smirk returned.

"Though I would like to be kept in mind for any revenge sex you might be planning!"

"I will do that!"

Meredith laughed before moving back over to where Christina and Addison were sat watching Burke, Mark and Derek play darts.

After waiting till Meredith was well out of ear shot Alex turned back to Izzy.

"What the hell is your problem Dr Model???"

"I think she's moving too quickly, we're her friends if we don't tell her then who will… He hasn't even been here much more than a month and after what he's put her through he doesn't deserve a chance…"

Izzy explained defensively but Alex shook his head

"And the time he has been here he's spent every second of it trying to make up for the fact he screwed up… The way that dudes chasing after her I'd say he's paying for it, Mer might as well wear Shepherd's balls as ear rings."

"I'm just trying to look out for her Alex!"

"Fine but in my book being a friend means we shouldn't be joining in with all the other people who are judging her, we should have her back no questions asked like she would do for us…" Alex told her before turning his attention back to Joe.

From her place across the room and even though she couldn't hear what they were saying Meredith knew exactly what the argument was about and Christina following the direction of her gaze scowled.

"Oh shove Betty Crocker over there she'll get over it."

Meredith smile was one of gratitude for as long as it lasted.

"She thinks I'm being a fool…"

"Do you care? Plus the sex is hot why say no to hot sex???"

Christina demanded for Meredith to only shrug

"Addie???"

"No Mer of course I don't… And anyway Derek as much as his recent behavior says otherwise is not stupid and he knows he's got a long way to go, take your time and make him work for it… I always find expensive presents help me to forgive Mark!"

"McWife is right… Take his gold card on an outing!"

Meredith laughed as Addison looked between them in repulsion

"McWife… Seriously Meredith didn't we talk about this??? I mean its like me calling you She-Shepherd!"

Meredith herself grimaced before grinning at Christina

"Be a little kinder a little less Christina, she's still not used to you yet…"

"What am I some little yappy dog who has to be controlled around visitors… Come on Satan show us what you got!"

Addison shrieking Meredith's name was drowned out by the combined laughter of both Meredith and Christina.

Mark's brow furrowed as he watched Derek once again look over to where Meredith was laughing with his wife and Christina.

Again flipping between the smile that had been playing around his lips all day that shouted out to the world exactly what Derek got up to last night and a look of grave concern.

"Your worried about her why? I swear if you have done something that will hurt the kid then I will forget thirty years of friendship and kick your ass!"

Derek rubbed a hand over his face and looked at his best friend, Mark was right he was worried about her, she could hide it as much as she wanted from everyone else but Derek knew she was in pain and all he wanted was to make sure he was there when it finally showed.

"It's not me… It's the run in she had with her father last night and you know Mer?"

Mark looked over and checked what Meredith was drinking and frowned in confusion at the bottle of beer she was nursing.

"But she's not drinking, not Meredith drinking anyway…"

"That's what I'm worried about… Last night she was all set on it but…"

"But she got laid instead,"

"Shut up." Derek instructed pushing the darts into his hand.

Meredith was right last night was amazing and this morning even better… Over three months of not having her had left him craving for her unable to get enough and every second of today when he wasn't worrying about her had seen him replaying every moment.

He didn't want to go anymore nights without her next to him, without the feel of her skin soft beneath his palms or her burning caress's, her fevered kisses as they drove each other wild with the knowledge of ten years worth of practice.

But this was only the start of a battle to keep her in his bed, in his life and in their marriage that he had no intention of losing and if her whispered words last night had meant anything he knew she wanted it as much as he did and all he needed was to make her realize and accept that.

"So what are you going to do?" Mark asked returning to him as Burke took his turn.

"I don't know… She says she doesn't need him but damn Mark the man is her father?"

"A father who hasn't given a damn about her for over two decades and with Ellis as a mother do you wonder really why the kid has decided she doesn't need him or the damage he might do??? Just be there for her Derek, make it you that picks her up when she needs it!"

Mark patted his shoulder as nodding Derek downed the rest of his scotch before leaving to go over to where Meredith was, leaning over the back of her chair.

"Need a ride?" He asked ignoring Christina's snicker and Addison's smirk feeling his heart lighten as Meredith stood up collecting her jacket and purse.

"That would be good."

Meredith accepted frowning at her two now openly laughing friends as she took his out held hand and Derek let out the breath he had been holding in. Only last night it had been a battle of wills to get her to hold his hand but now she had taken it after only hesitating for a second and that meant he was getting there, he was winning with tiny baby steps he was getting his wife, the love of his life back.

"Your not getting any."

Meredith whispered in his ear as they made their way through the crowd but Derek grinned widely at her.

"You say that now."

_Let me enfold you, in love that feels familiar  
I see you're hurting; I'll take your pain away  
Rivers of sorrow, flow only for a season  
Into the sea of tranquility, you will see..._

_Lean on me  
I'm your strong hand  
I'm your strong hand  
Lean on me  
I'm your strong hand  
I'm your strong hand_

**Well so that was that... I know i could of done the Mer avoiding Derek thing but Derek in my mind didnt want me to do that and i want to give him a chance before i turn up the angst again as we're getting into the last half of this story!!! So i know i made Izzy the bad guy again but ive been watchin S1 on dvd alot and after how she treated Callie in the last episode it kinda stuck so sorry any Izzy fans i do love her really!! **

**Anyway the next chap might be up before the weekend if not it'll be Mon so for now please show me lots of love and PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Thank you thank you thank you to all the people who took the time to review, it seriously makes this worth it and please keep them coming!!!!**

**Right now this is Chap 18 and i had set out on it being not very happy but i wanted happy MerDer so it it and its basically setting up for the next Chap!!!! **

**But for now Read, Enjoy and PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!**

**Always**

Derek pressed a kiss to Meredith's head in passing as he fetched himself a bowl and spoon before joining her at the kitchen table.

"What?" He asked as the smile playing around her lips grew.

"Are you purposefully trying to make Izzy and George feel even more awkward than they already do???"

Meredith gestured to his attire or lack of it and Derek response was matched with a mischievous grin.

"You've never complained before in fact it wasn't that long ago you were encouraging me to wear less… But if you ask nicely I'll take these off too???"

Derek teased playing with the waist band of his boxers reveling in her wide natural smile, the light in her eyes and nearly pinched himself to make sure the last five days had been real.

Each little step brought him closer, closer to getting back everything they had once had and more as she slowly let him back into her life as well as her bed. They'd started doing the every day things together that every other couple took for granted but that made him as excited as if it was Christmas.

Watching him laugh Meredith felt her heart swell and her guards drop that little more, wondering how exactly she had ever imagined she could live without him, without this.

There were still doubts of course there were it was too soon for them to be gone but every smile, every kiss took her that much closer to forgiveness and eased the resentment that was still settled in the pitt of her stomach there because he had lied and had been willing to keep lying to her.

"Are you worried Izzy might try and jump me if I walk around like this???"

Derek didn't have time to react let alone take it back before his breakfast landed squarely in his lap, milk and muesli flying every where.

"Right I get it… too soon for other woman jokes."

"You think???"

Meredith demanded but she was unable to hold back the laughter at the sight of him stood staring down at the milk dripping down his chest his boxers now splattered in muesli and it wasn't long before the sound of his own laughter mixed with her own.

"Come here…"

Grasping her Derek pulled her up from her seat and lifted her up into his arms finally settling her down on the table feeling more like a love sick teenager with his stomach full of butterflies than a man who had been married for the last seven years.

"God you're amazing…" He breathed in between bursts of laughter.

"For tipping a bowl of muesli over you I'm amazing… Seriously???"

"Seriously! You see the girl I fell so in love with did that to me… a lot, threw things whenever I stepped out of line and for a while there it seemed like I had lost her."

"She was always there but she was just waiting for you…"

The laughter along with her smile died as Meredith remembered the long lonesome months back in New York when days had passed without her even catching sight of him and all the spirit that had made them so special, made their relationship so alive had seemed to be buried, gone for good.

"I'm sorry and I will make it up to you."

Derek promised cupping her face as her eyes just a moment ago sparkling with mirth turned stormy with pain before it was blinked away.

"I know."

With her fingers tangled in his hair Meredith watched him smile as she brought his head down to capture his lips with her own to revel in the taste of him. Derek groaned at the feel of her soft warmth under his hands, the pressure of her breasts against his chest.

"Whoa!"

Izzy coming to a stand still in the door way broke them apart but while Meredith blushed and tried to pull down her top Derek only grinned.

"Now I remember why I never liked having room mates…"

"Technically you don't live here so they're not your room mates they're mine and I like them."

Meredith nodded slipping off the table and out of the circle of his arms to retake her seat.

"What happened to you…? Oh!"

Izzy stopped flushing in embarrassment closing her eyes as she turned around looking to Meredith for help who was too busy laughing at Derek as he tried to hide his blatant arousal covering his hands in muesli in the process.

"This …This is my breakfast as you see Dr Stevens my wife has a problem with the way I eat… I'm going to go and take a shower now, a cold one..."

The last bit he whispered in Meredith's ear and as Meredith giggled up into his face looking happier than Izzy had ever seen her it all suddenly clicked.

"What???" Meredith demanded as Izzy watched her with a wide smile.

"I get it… He really is your McDreamy isn't he and an impressive McDreamy too!"

Izzy laughed shaking her head

"Seriously it's nice Mer."

Relief washed over her, she wanted them to get along, she wanted them to accept him because which ever way you looked at it Derek had been there first and though they had all embraced Addison and Mark into the circle she needed him to be more if this was going to work.

"Thanks Izz."

"Oh no if you want to thank me then seriously buy a freaking headboard or oil your bed springs." Izzy said reaching for the coffee

* * *

Sitting down at the same table as Meredith and Christina in the cafeteria Derek scooted his chair over so their shoulders grazed and their thighs touched.

"You okay?"

Meredith asked noticing just how long it took him to muster a smile that in any way resembled his normal one.

"Better now."

Derek said and meant it as her hand covered his and he half turned his own so that their fingers met and he actively returned her touch. Squeezing her fingers he stroked his thumb back and forth over her knuckles needing this touch more than she knew after what he had just had to do.

It was always hard telling a patients family that they hadn't made it but this one had struck a little to close to home for him. All the time he had been telling the man that his wife had died he had been imagining how he would cope or even survive if someone was telling him that he would never see Meredith again.

Seeing his distress Meredith lent over and kissed him briefly pulling back to let her free hand smooth out the lines of strain bracketing his mouth and creasing his forehead.

"Oh god!" Christina groaned braking the spell as she showered them in fries only for Derek to retaliate with a handful of Meredith's.

"You should know better than to start something you have no chance of winning."

Meredith told him stopping him from throwing anymore by removing her food from reach as laughing triumphantly Christina threw more at him in celebration.

"I pity Preston,"

"And I don't know why Mer keep you around???"

"Haven't you heard I'm great in bed?"

Derek laughed his mood lightening, he liked Christina he couldn't help it she amused him and he was more than grateful that she had been there for Meredith when he hadn't.

But there was a tiny part of him that he tried not to acknowledge that was jealous of their closeness of their bond that had grown so quickly in his absence. Never before had he really had to share Meredith with anyone and Derek was realizing just how much he had liked having her all to himself.

"Will you behave?"

"You know she's talking to you right…"

"Christina!"

Meredith shook her head trying to sound stern in spite of the fact she was laughing and kissed Derek again but this time to shut him up pulling away only to find him smirking at her.

"People are staring Dr Grey and I'd like to remind you both who exactly is the attending here…"

It was both Meredith and Christina who threw the fries this time.

"I'd seriously be quiet Dr Shepherd unless you want your lunch going the same way as your breakfast!"

George putting his tray down frowned at them.

"What's so funny?"

"Mer putting McDreamy in his place."

"Oh right."

George's eyes scooted between the pair before lowering to his tray as he picked up his food. He couldn't help but feel awkward whenever Dr Shepherd was around and he was nearly certain that his boss had guessed just how he felt about his wife.

"So um Mer do you know a guy called Thatcher, he has the same surname as you… Grey not Shepherd?"

George carried on oblivious to the fact both Christina and Derek were now watching Meredith in concern

"It's his wife who's the patient, a Susan Grey and they have a daughter who kinda reminds me of you…"

"What???"

Meredith's eyes were huge as she stared at George, her fingers convulsively tightening their grip on Derek's hand, her whole body tensing, her face draining of color as Christina stamped on George's foot and hissed.

"Shut up Bambi!"

"What? He was asking about her, if this was where she works and if I know her??"

Without warning Meredith pushed back her chair and ran from the cafeteria with Derek hot on her heels and turning to a stunned George Christina smacked him round the head.

"Great job Bambi, real clever!"

"What did I do?" He demanded his hand clutching at his head as he stared at Christina,

"That's her father you dumb ass and you just informed her she has a sister she knew nothing about!"

"I didn't know did I, should I go after her???"

"No leave her to McDreamy… God I wonder sometimes why I bother with you lot!"

"Well how do you know anyway???"

This time Christina looked at him as if he was more stupid than she had first thought,

"She's my person…"

Derek caught up with Meredith in an empty on call room where she was crouched on the bottom bunk her legs bent up to her body, her arms wrapped around her knees.

Pulling her hands away he took them in his own returning the comfort she had unconsciously given to him.

"I'm okay… I'm fine really Derek I just need a few minutes."

"Okay."

But he didn't leave her as she had expected and instead of asking him to Meredith let her head fall onto his shoulder.

"You haven't spoken about him since that night… Mer I think you should, just get it out so it can be dealt with."

"I don't want too!"

Derek almost smiled as she sounded more like a petulant child than a surgeon in the making and he kissed her forehead affectionately.

"He's here… We are going to have to face it,"

"We???"

"Yes we… We are in this together, we're fighting remember which means that we do this together and you can throw anything you want at me cos I'm not taking no for an answer!"

Meredith lifted her head to nod knowing this was a battle of wills she wouldnt win

"Okay."

_Cause I'll be loving you  
Always  
With a love that's true  
Always  
When the things that you plan  
Need a helping hand  
I will understand  
Always, always_

_Days may not be fair  
Always  
But that's when I'll be there  
Always  
Not for just an hour  
No, no, not for just a day  
Not for just a year  
Oh but always_

**I liked that Chapter before i loaded it but now im not too sure it feels a little rushed ... Anyway so Thatcher is back cos i've always wanted Derek to meet him and i think Mer needs to sort the issues out before she can really move on with her life. But anyway the next update will be in a few days but for now... **

**PLEASE hit the blue button and feed me with some more reviews!!!!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Well so i keep saying THANK YOU but it dont seem enough but cant think of a better word so it will have to do but i'm really gratefull to you all who have reviewed and please keep them coming they really do make my day.**

**So this is Chapter 19 and it carries straight off where the last one ended and it's not really alot to do with Mer it's mainly Derek with MerDer at the end and i hope you all like it and i will deal with the Mer/Thatcher and his new family in the next 1 or 2 chapters but for now PLEASE Read, Enjoy and Review!**

**You'll Never Stand Alone**

"You're on a case with Mark aren't you; well I'm going to go see Richard."

"Derek you don't…" Meredith tried to interrupt but he wouldn't listen shaking his head at her instead as he squeezed her fingers as they approached the nurse's station

"I know you're still angry with him, with all three of them but he does need to be made aware of this and just for the record I do need to do this, not just for Richard but for you."

Uncaring of where they were or who was watching Derek bent his head and took possession of her lips in a tender kiss, leaving her with a smile their smile as she watched him go, her own expression thoughtful.

Mark watching the whole scene play out smiled to himself as he approached, it was just what he wanted them back to themselves, the couple so wrapped up in each other that they just didn't see the world around them.

"There you are, ready to come help me make Seattle just that little prettier?" He asked looping an arm around her shoulders and with a sigh Meredith nodded.

"As long as it keeps me away from any of Burke's patients I will happily help inflate your already oversized ego for the rest of my shift."

"Ah so the gossip is true…"

"You heard already... How?"

"My fan club … Apparently a few of the older members remember him from years back, your okay though kid?" Mark asked his tone gentling from that of teasing.

"Me oh I'm fine it's not like I have to see him or them right… Apart from a last name and DNA what do we really share?"

Nothing Mark thought and that was the problem, he could understand her pain maybe better than Derek or Addison who had both grown up knowing exactly what being a part of a loving family was like.

But even in that sense he had been luckier than her, the Shepherd's may not of adopted him formally but from the age of eight Derek, his four sister and his parents had become his family but never the less he could still clearly remember the loneliness of his early years and that thought made him press a kiss to Meredith's head.

"What was that for?" Meredith asked surprised at the unexpected show of affection

"For being my favorite intern and for giving my best friend another chance."

* * *

Richard approached the familiar figure who was stood staring up at the O.R board, he had always known this moment would come it was certainly long over due but he hadn't expected it to be here or under these circumstances.

"I spent years studying this board, holding a crying baby. Trying to get an idea of when my wife would be out of surgery. "Appy" takes about an hour. Anything with the word "Cardio" in it and I knew not to plan on seeing her at all that day."

"Meredith isn't Ellis Thatcher I know they look so much alike but she…"

"You have no right, no right to talk to me about Ellis or Meredith for that matter!"

Thatcher's voice didn't raise and Richard knew it wouldn't but his words were full of anger and though he knew really he should just turn around and walk away he couldn't and he needed to try to finish what had began all those years ago.

"I know I don't and I'm sorry but … Meredith is… well it's been rough for her especially of late and I just thought you should be aware of that."

"It's almost ironic how she's back here with you of all people as her boss… Was it you who told her about the affair?"

A few minutes of heavy silence passed both men continuing to stare up at the board before Richard spoke.

"No she figured it out herself, I … …"

"Chief!"

Derek didn't recognize the man Richard was talking too with such a look of strain on his face but there was definitely something oddly familiar about him, but his mind was still too full of concern for Meredith to even consider it for more than a second.

"Shep."

Though he had been looking for any kind of escape this was not what he had wanted, to introduce a father to a son in law he probably has no idea exists.

"I need to discuss something with you but if your busy…"

"No, no it's okay."

It was the other man who answered and again the familiarity struck him hard, it wasn't anything physical so much as more to do with his mannerisms.

"Dr Derek Shepherd Head of Neurology, have we met?"

"Derek this is Thatcher Grey."

Derek stared at Richard for a second before turning back to the man who was his father in law and though he knew Meredith physically took her looks from Ellis there was something in the eyes that reminded him of his wife now he was aware of the connection.

Looking at Meredith's father he tried to picture him with Ellis but just couldn't do it, just by looking at him Derek could tell this man was the complete opposite and he had always figured from her father was where Mer got her softness and now he knew he was right.

"Meredith's father, I've seen photo's of you which is why I thought we had met."

"Il leave you both to it."

Richard excused himself as his secretary approached and the two men shook hands but not before he had patted Derek's shoulder in warning. He knew his old friend was fiercely protective of his wife and the last thing he wanted or Meredith needed was for there to be anymore public out bursts where she was the catalyst and that the gossips would have a field day with.

"Meredith. You know her. You're her friend???"

Thatcher asked and sighing Derek ran a hand through his hair

"You could say that, I'm her husband!"

"Her husband? Oh, I didn't know she was married… I mean I don't know anything really, how long?"

"Seven years, but we've been together since she was eighteen…"

Derek said, unable to stop himself feeling just that little bit of sympathy for a man who had a grown up daughter he knew absolutely nothing about and that part of him that could stand back and be objective could almost believe this man was like Meredith a victim of a situation they had no control over.

But then this man did have a little piece of control he had had the chance to fight for her but hadn't and that thought as quick as it came dampened any sympathy.

"So you're the person I should talk too, it's just when she came to see me I didn't know what to say to her. She looks so... so much like her mother. Ellis was cold. I mean, I was a coward. I was. I left. But her mother would never let me know her and ... now I don't know how to know her. Uh..."

"Meredith isn't cold, she is guarded but with what she has been through no one can blame her for that but unlike Ellis Meredith cares about people and when she loves she does so with her whole heart and gives that person everything with no conditions…"

It was Derek's smile when he talked about Meredith that told Thatcher more than any words could, it was a smile of a man deeply in love

"Mer is… she's wonderful, smart, and funny and has all the potential to be a brilliant surgeon, one of the best so if anything that is the one thing she gets from Ellis, her love and natural ability for medicine!"

"I'd like to get to know her, to know you both but I don't think she…"

Derek looked at the man in front of him wondering why he couldn't understand the damage that his leaving had done to Meredith, why she had every right not to feel like they had any connection at all.

"You let her down and because of you she expects everyone she loves to leave her and do the same, to let her go without a fight… Ellis added to that damage and it's only now that she is really beginning to figure out who she is and I believe to do that she does need to know you but you cant expect her to just run into your arms and I wont stand back and let her only to be hurt more."

Derek told him even though he believed Thatcher was sincere in the desire to know Meredith he knew she wouldn't be able to stand any more rejection in her life and if he could do one thing it would be to save her from that pain.

"You really love her don't you, I know from what she said growing up with Ellis was hard but I'm glad she has had somebody…"

"I love her more than life…"

His pager going off stopped him from saying more and turning back to Thatcher he nodded

"I have to get this but um if anything be honest with Meredith don't lie to her and give her a little time, don't expect too much too soon from her…"

Derek walked away leaving Thatcher staring after him with and almost wistfull expression as he went back over everything his son in law had said and with an even deeper desire to know his daughter.

* * *

Derek walked out into the wet night, his hands deep in his pockets as he made to cross the car park towards Joe's where he was meant to be meeting Meredith, but the sight of the unmistakable figure sat on the bench seeming to be oblivious to the rain stopped him and caused him to change his direction.

Sitting down beside his wife Derek took his jacket off to wrap around her shoulders and brushed the wet hair back from her face.

"Izzy said she saw you speaking to my father?"

"Briefly, Richard had introduced us before I realized who he was… I guess you're right about the whole brainless brain surgeon! I think he genuinely cares Mer and he says he wants to know you…"

"It's too late, did you see her?"

Looking down in to her face he shook his head guessing that she had been drawn by if nothing else curiosity to her fathers wife's room.

"Your sister, no."

"I did, George is right she does look a little like me and he says there is another sister too at Harvard… They're a real… they're a family Derek!"

Meredith's voice broke as she pictured the scene from earlier when she had been unable to stop herself from peeking round the door way. Her father's arms around his daughter comforting her in a way Meredith had longed to be held when she was growing up and now there was a part of her that wanted to stand and scream that it wasn't fair.

Gathering her into his arms Derek kissed her hair tasting the rain on his lips, tears stinging his own eyes and her arms wrapped around his waist, her face hidden in the soft wool of his jumper.

"I don't know what to do to make this better and believe me if I could I would…"

"I could have been her… If my life had been different I would have been her, I wouldn't be so dark and twisty so screwed up…"

Derek pried her arms from around him, cupping her face forcing her to make eye contact with him

"And you wouldn't be as strong as you are, as resilient and you wouldn't be you… And I wouldn't change you for the world!"

"You wouldn't??? Seriously not even a little?"

Chuckling Derek kissed her before moving his lips to her cheeks to kiss away her tears.

"No Meredith Shepherd I would not change you, not even a little…"

With his forehead against hers Meredith stared into the blue eyes she loved so much and thanked whoever had brought this man into her life, the first person who had ever excepted her as her without wanting her to change.

"Take me home Derek not to their house, her house but to your home."

"Our home,"

He told her smiling now as he reached for her hand to pull her to her feet before his arm went about her shoulders as he lead her to his car.

_You, you'll never stand alone  
I'll be standing by  
I'll keep you from the cold  
I'll hold you when you cry  
I'll be there to be strong_

_When you can't find the strength inside  
And you, you'll always have a home  
In these arms of mine  
You'll never stand alone  
Love is standing by_

**So well that was that i know the conversation between Thatcher and Derek wasnt great but there will be more interaction to come and of course with Mer... **

**But for now i havent much else to say except to ask you to PLEASE REVIEW and il try to get up another update before i go on holiday on Mon!!!**


	20. Chapter 20

**SERIOUSLY U GOT ME PASSED TWO HUNDREAD REVIEWS THANK YOU!!!!**

**Did that show my grattitude enough well i hope it did cos i'm well chuffed to bits and please keep them coming cos they just make my day to know your enjoying this!!!**

**Well back to this its Chapter 20 and im sorry if its a little rushed but i really wanted to get at least another chapter up before i go away and all weekend im busy so apoloigies now...**

**But as always PLEASE Read, Enjoy and REVIEW!!**

**Family Portrait**

Trying to balance an armful of charts and a much needed coffee was a much more complicated feat to accomplish on less then an hour's sleep.

Last night not wanting to keep Derek awake any longer with her constant tossing and turning she had moved outside with the faint hope that the fresh air and the peace of the land surrounding the trailer might at least clear her thoughts even if it was only long enough for her to sleep.In the end though she hadn't been alone for very long before Derek had followed her to drape a blanket around her as he'd picked her up carrying her over to one of the chairs settling her on his lap.

Few words had passed between them but she hadn't needed any more words she had simply just needed him to be there and he seemed to have understood that, holding in the security of her arms whispering to her that she would always have him.

But her thoughts hadn't cleared and she was still unable to find enough clarity to decide what she really wanted or which part of her heart she wanted to follow.

The five year old child that longed to know her father that ached to finally have that real tie to someone to be part of something that all through her younger years she had only dreamed off. Or did she go with the part of her consumed with anger that wanted nothing more than to finally close the door…

"Meredith."

Though it was only the second time in over two decades that she had heard it Meredith would have known that voice anywhere and it caused the folders to slip through her fingers as she only just managed to keep a hold on the coffee.

"I startled you… Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean too… Here let me help you with that." Thatcher apologized as the charts clattered to the floor loose pieces of paper escaping.

"Its okay, its fine I wasn't paying attention…"

"No, no it was my fault!"

Thatcher said bending to help her, their hands colliding both getting in the others way as they mumbled apologies till everything was back in place and Meredith couldn't help but pull back as he reached to steady here as she rose to her feet.

"So um you're… wife, she's a patient here?"

"Yes... She's having a valve replacement tomorrow… Dr Burke is performing the surgery."

"Oh well I'm sure it'll be fine... He, Dr Burke is one of the best she's in safe hands!"

Meredith looked everywhere but at him wanting to avoid anything like the last time they had met when bitter resentment had flowed through her and she had said, revealed much more than she had wanted or planned.

"Susan my wife she would love to meet you and so would my daughters… they have always known about you that they have a sister that I have another daughter…"

"I can't,"

"Too much, too soon I'm sorry I don't mean to push… You're husband he told me not to… Um he seems like a good man."

"He is…"

Their eyes locked for that second as silence settled over them both fidgeting moving from one foot to the other and Meredith wanted to run, run as fast as she could and to as far away as possible.

"Meredith I was thinking maybe if you had the time and wanted to we could maybe go for a coffee or maybe something to eat… no pressure it would just be the two of us and we could talk. It's just the night you came I was so shocked and I made a mess of it??"

"I have patients and a resident I need to see so I really should just go and do that…"

His disappointment was obvious in the slump of his shoulders and Meredith felt again the need to shout at him, to demand how he could expect anything from her after what he had done.Why couldn't he just understand what his leaving had done to her, how much it had hurt but she fought it back down, as tears threatened.

"Well if you change your mind you know where I am, I would really like a chance to know you Meredith…"

Unable to do anything but nod Meredith hurried away forcing herself not to look back as she stepped into the elevator only to find Derek it's only other occupant.

"Don't just… don't okay!"

Meredith ordered coming to stand in front of him only for him to look down at her with an expression of hurt innocence that was ruined by the twinkling of his blue eyes.

"What???"

"Don't tell me I need to talk or think about anything because I don't!"

Without resisting Meredith let him pull her close, leaning against him, his lips brushing over her hair before his chin settled on top of her head..

"Okay I won't… but can you tell me what I'm exactly not meant to be telling you to think about cos I'm confused?"

"He asked me to go for coffee with him or to eat… I don't want to sit and eat with him we haven't done that since I was five."

If she wasn't so angry he would have laughed half expecting her to stamp her foot at any moment.

"Well on the good side at least he will be familiar with your table manners cos I can't imagine that they have improved all that… … Ouch!"

He was cut off as a patients chart was dug into in to his stomach but he had succeeded in at least making her laugh all but reluctantly.

"You're an ass an insulting over rated ass…"

"Really and this is coming from the woman who only last night was screaming out my na… … Ouch Meredith … stop!"

Grabbing hold of her elbows to stop her they were both laughing uncontrollably squirming in each others arms fighting for control as the doors slid open to reveal a group of waiting nurses and doctors including Dr Bailey.

"Have you two children finished ?"

Releasing Meredith enough to take her hand Derek walked out of the elevator using his most charming smile as he passed Bailey whispering into Meredith's ear.

"In an hour it will be that they caught us having sex…"

"And if it is you won't be having sex again…" Meredith hissed only for him to chuckle stopping her from walking off

"If you won't have lunch with him have it with me in my office, I'm not due in the O.R till two and I promise no lectures or talking about any other member of the Grey family?"

"Promise?"

"I promise."

* * *

"Ah Meredith, I've been looking for you?"

Richard stepped into Derek's office where Meredith was sat eating Derek having just been paged away to check on a patient.

"Really?"

Though her tone still contained the respect due to him as her boss Richard found himself missing the affectionate warm smile that had always greeted him previously.

"It's about your father."

"Oh… Did Derek send you to talk to me?"

Meredith asked suddenly suspicious at Derek's disappearance and Richard's arrival but was reassured as the older man looked her squarely in the eye as he shook his head.

"No he didn't this is all me… Look I understand your anger but I feel you will be missing out on something if you don't hear your father's side of the story."

"He's had years to tell it…" Meredith said dully playing with the food in front of her "And somehow I don't think there will be a drawer full of cards that my mother returned"

"How do you know that unless you ask?"

"Because this is me and my life hardly ever turns out like that…"

"It did when you met Derek, why don't you take that chance again Meredith?"

Richard didn't seem to want an answer as not only guilt but the urge to see Meredith the closest he had to a daughter happy and the need to repay Thatcher drove him on.

"Your mother is a force to be reckoned with and not everyone feels that they have the strength to stand up to her… You have that strength that fight because you get that fire from her, Derek has that fight in him too but your father…"

"Didn't want me enough to fight."

Meredith interrupted and once again Richard found it hard to meet the green gaze that was shining bright with repressed emotion as she stared up at him before lowering her gaze her eyes resting on the framed photo of her and Derek that had been in his office in New York too.

Could she do it, take that risk again open herself up to the possibility of even more disappointment and pain, she sighed as she felt Richard's hand squeeze her shoulder.

"When I knew him your father was a good, loyal, honest man who loved you very much… loved you both and who didn't deserve what happened to him…"

When he had left Meredith sat quietly her appetite now vanished as she went back over Richard's words, remembered the eagerness of her father this morning and his disappointment when she had refused his invitation…

With a decision made Meredith scribbled a note to Derek leaving it on top if his waiting lunch before leaving his office to make her way to the room she knew where he would be. Knowing she didn't actually have the courage to knock or go in she was relieved to find him outside in the hall his cell phone in hand.

"Would you like to grab a coffee?"

_Turn around please  
Remember that the night you left you took my  
shining star?  
Daddy don't leave…_

**Ok so well that was that and i wanted to be Richard to be the one who persuaded Mer simply because of the history and if it all doesnt work out he can know he tried and it doesnt matter so much if she blames him****Not much Mer/Der i know but the focus is really on Mer now and ultimately the more daddy issues she fixes the better for them in the long run!! **

**Im writing dribble right now so il stop but though im on holiday next week i wil try to get an update up at some point so have hope... But for now PLEASE HIT THE BLUE BUTTON AND REVIEW!!!!**


	21. Chapter 21

**So as always THANK YOU so much 4 the reviews it kinda makes the juices flow faster and i was meant to update yesterday and it was all written up but for some reason i couldnt upload it on to the site so i'l apologise for me and my stupid internet connection i think like me its suffering from the post holiday blues and this chap is longer to make up for it!!!!!**

**Back to this its Chap21 and is basically Mer/Thatcher with some MerDer at the end but for now PLEASE Read, Enjoy and PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!!!**

**Without You**

Meredith fiddled with everything from the coffee cup in front of her to the hem of her scrub top, crushing the thin material between her shaky fingers as her eyes settled on everything but him as they skirted around the cafeteria.

"So what changed your mind, I mean it's just this morning you… seemed so… you didn't want this but now well you're here and don't get me wrong I'm glad… very its just I'm curious???"

He stuttered to an end as their eyes met briefly before both glanced away and Meredith shrugged.

"Richard Webber."

At the look of shock that crossed his face and the heavy silence that followed Meredith felt her insides clench and she hurried to fill it.

"He's been good to me… I mean I didn't see him for years what with… But Derek is an old pupil, an old friend so well Derek, Derek and I… … Richard made me see it a little differently that's all…"

Her nervous rambling trailed off as he nodded and just for a second Meredith felt the anger return, what right did he really have to question who she chose to be close to when it had been his choice to stay away for all these years leaving her to go in search of an alternative father figure.

"Why now, why not before, why didn't you ever come for me?"

"I really don't have a good enough explanation for you Meredith, one that can make it up to you or in any way make this right and i wish i did… But you see by the time I had got myself back together I had remarried and it was, it seemed too late! So for the past twenty odd years I have clung onto the memories of a five year old child and then when you came to the house it was a shock… … in my mind you were still that child…"

Thatcher let out a sigh as his hand rubbed over his face in a gesture Meredith remembered from all those years ago, simply because it was the same thing Derek did when ever he was trying to search for the right words.

"And now I have a beautiful, intelligent grown woman, a married woman, a doctor in front of me who I know absolutely nothing about and those memories aren't enough anymore… … I want to know my daughter and I'd like to know Derek too…"

Tears stung the backs of her eyes and bending her head she focused on her hands clenched into tight fists in her lap, her knuckles white with tension as if they were physically keeping a grip on her emotions.

"I'm living in the old house."

Meredith didn't know why she had said it but it was the first thing that came to mind and more importantly it lead them on a path away from her having to answer him.

"You are?"

"I have two roommates who are interns too but Derek well he has brought a large piece of land here, a beautiful piece of land he wants to build on so…"

"You both plan on staying here?" Thatcher asked and Meredith tried to close her mind to the hope in his voice.

"It feels like home which is silly when you think about it, I've lived in other places for longer Boston, Washington D.C and New York but well Seattle it has ferry boats…"

"Ferry boats…" Thatcher repeated in confusion and for the first time Meredith managed to give a real smile far away from the polite more forced ones that had started to make her cheeks ache.

"Derek he has a thing for ferry boats, his scrub caps have ferry boats on or fishes… He likes ferry boats, he likes fishing… Seattle it suits us and well like I said it feels like home for us both…"

Meredith knew she was rambling again but she couldn't seem to stop herself, this was strange and she didn't know how else to deal with it.

She was sat here opposite his father having the longest conversation they had ever shared and right now if she could she would do anything for her pager to go off or for Derek to walk in and save her just like he always had done when her and her mother were forced to actually sit down like this.

"As a child you were fascinated by them too, I could never get you off them and I used to end up bribing you with ice cream or the promise of a next ride before you would move an inch."

"Really?"

This captured her attention and for an instant she forgot her awkwardness in the novelty of hearing about her earlier life. Her mother was never one to talk about the past especially not the time before they had moved to Boston unless of course it was to bring up a past mistake.

"Oh yes, you would drag me up to the top deck and I would lift you up so you could see and that would be the last I would hear out of you until that was it was time for us to go… You seem well matched you and Derek, he said he met you when you were eighteen?"

"He was an intern in New York where my mother was working and I was home from college… I know there's an age gap but you see he… …"

Meredith suddenly remembered exactly who she was talking too and felt a blush creep up her cheeks but as he lifted his coffee cup to his mouth to take a sip while listening to her Meredith saw the slight shake of his hand and that was when it hit her, he was just as nervous as she and it helped.

"It's due partly to him that I ended up at medical school… I used to sit in the gallery and watch him operate and I just knew being a surgeon was what I wanted to do."

"It's in your blood, you always used to say you wanted to be a doctor but I always felt as if a part of you well it seemed like… …"

Meredith finished for him knowing exactly what he was going to say.

"I resented it, I did for a long time… I resented that it was more important to my mother than me that it always came first with her and I blamed it for tearing my life apart but as much as I tried to stop being so enthralled by it I couldn't."

It had taken her years to come to terms with the desire in herself to be a surgeon and at first she had fought it, hating even the idea that she might end up like her mother but it was meeting Derek that had helped.

Derek had shown her that you could have both it just meant working harder and though there had been times when he would cancel dates or weekend visits he had never made her feel unwanted or that he wouldn't rather be with her and what they had now she knew was all the more precious to both of them because of just how close they had come to losing each other.

His sigh broke her thoughts and looking up Meredith met her fathers gaze, holding as for the first time neither felt the need to fidget or look away.

"It was never your fault Meredith, you were the one truly innocent casualty of it all and what you said the other night was right I was too busy thinking about myself and I … …"

The beeping of her pager stopped him and Meredith glanced down at the screen through tears before wiping her eyes as she got to her feet not wanting him to see just what that admittence had meant to her.

"I have to go its my resident and she's not know as the Nazi for nothing."

Though disappointment was in his eyes he made an attempt at an understanding smile.

"I understand you're an intern the hospital owns you."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed with a hesitant laugh "Um but this it was nice, nicer than I expected not that I thought it would be terrible but well… …"

"You get that from me the nervous rambling and the fidgeting it used to drive your mother crazy… Sorry I dint mean to…"

Meredith shook her head remembering all of the times her mother had shouted at her in frustration for doing it.

"No its okay, I do too I mean when I do it, it drives her crazy but Derek he finds it amusing."

"So does Susan, maybe we could do this again I'll be around for the next few days at least so anytime your free?"

"Maybe!" Meredith nodded one last time before hurrying away towards the exit.

* * *

"What time does Derek finish?" 

Izzy asked jumping up to sit on the counter top enjoying the novelty of watching Meredith actually prepare dinner rather than ordering in or picking at what ever left over's she could find in the fridge.

"Any time now, are you eating with us there's more than enough?"

"Is it safe too?"

She teased dodging the carrot stick that was promptly thrown at her and as Meredith went back to chopping them Izzy thought for the first time she was really getting to see what life had been like for Meredith back in New York and who she had been.

Just in the last few days there had been a dramatic change in her and Izzy knew she liked this happier more relaxed Meredith just as much as she'd liked the dark twisty one.

"So you can cook…?"

"I attempt to cook and most of the time pull it off but Derek, now he can cook and if you ask nicely I'm sure he'll… …"

Meredith stopped at the sound of the front door opening and closing only for Derek to walk into the kitchen a few seconds later.

"Hey,"

Derek didn't need to say any more because it was all there in his eyes but though she couldn't understand everything he was saying she guessed Meredith could as she stopped what she was doing and smiled.

"Hey,"

Looping her arms around his neck Meredith brought his mouth down to hers to meet in a soft kiss that soon turned more demanding as she allowed her body to respond, arching against him as his hands moved down her back to press her in closer.

Ending the kiss as she remembered they weren't alone Meredith brushed his hair back from his forehead seeing concern replace desire in his eyes.

It was that same concern she had caught glimpses of all day and had caused her to avoid him for the rest of her shift because knowing him she knew he wanted her to talk and right now she just wanted to process it all for herself.

"I'm okay."

"Your okay."

Derek sighed leaning his forehead against hers, he had caught on to what she was doing today and though it had driven him half crazy trying to get a minute alone with her he didn't care now he just needed her to be okay. Just as he moved in for another kiss he was stopped millimeters from her lips by an embarrassed cough.

"Right well I'm gonna go wash up, call George down for dinner and that."

After watching Izzy quickly leave Meredith looked back up at a grinning Derek.

"We seem to have that effect on people… So today you… …"

"I had coffee with my father."

"Yes you did and then spent the rest of your shift hiding from me or being paged away…"

"Oh you wanted to talk, you should of said?"

Meredith tried to play the innocent but she knew he didn't buy it one little bit.

"Seriously you think there is any chance I'll believe that? I know it was Christina who kept paging you one of the nurses told me… You were avoiding me Mer and I thought we weren't going to do that anymore?"

Derek's voice softened as he tipped her chin up making it possible for him to see her eyes.

"We drank coffee and we talked that's it, he wants to know me well to know us both!"

"And what do you want Mer because after all these years its your decision and yours alone… Its not mine, its not Richards and it's certainley not his, this is all about what you want and i'll support any decision you make?"

When he had read her note earlier fear had gripped him, not because he didn't want her to know Thatcher he did, he knew it was what she needed but the last thing he wanted was for someone else to let her down like Ellis had and even he had.

"I want… I think I want to know him but I cant be a part of them Derek they are not my family but at least if nothing else he can…?"

"Fix some of your outstanding daddy issues," He teased lowering his hands to her waist to hold her to him.

"I was going to say fill in the gaps."

"Mer you have daddy issues so just embrace them!"

Derek was laughing now dodging her fists only to catch hold of her wrists pulling them over her head kissing her but pulling away quickly as her usual nips on his bottom lip turned in to a full blown bite.

"Just carry on Dr Shepherd and I will happily pick up the phone to call each of your sisters and inform them just how much we are missing them and how you would really love it if they _all _visited!"

Meredith smirked in satisfaction as he blanched

"You wouldn't…" But as her eyebrows rose daring him to test her he sighed in defeat "Fine you win but just so you know even with all the daddy issues, the dark twisty tequila drinking and all your avoidance tactics I really do love you and so does your family, your real family…"

"I love you too,"

Meredith said softly, saying it for the first time since Derek had arrived in Seattle and nodding through tear glazed eyes Derek pulled her closer burying his face in her sweet smelling hair more than gratefull for those four small words.

_Beautiful boy  
How on earth did I do something worth deserving you?  
My better half  
How I cherish through and through every part of you  
I do_

_Loving you's made me hope  
Now I belong  
I found my heart  
Promise me we'll always stay  
The way we are today_

**So Mer told him she loved him which i havent allowed her to do before but Derek has earned it by being all McDreamy so i thought he deserved a reward for that! And Mer is ready to know Thatcher but Thatcher alone and next chap she'll get to meet Susan i think and coming up i think im gonna have to make Derek face the two months Mer was in Seattle without him but i wont say anymore... ... ...**

**But for now PLEASE let me know your all still enjoying this as much as i am writing it and feed me a little more with your REVIEWS and i promise il get an update on in a few days...**


	22. Chapter 22

**You guys who reviewed SERIOUSLY your great and you made me all warm inside so THANK YOU for that...**

**Right so this is Chap 22 obviously and it's fairly long with a fair bit of MerDer but this is one of those chapters that i cant be sure whether i like it or hate it but whilst writing it i had my 3 year old nephew demanding i show him pictures of cars from google so i was distracted along with having my history teachers face in my mind telling me i should really be doin my essay so if it isnt the greatest i apologise!!!!**

**Im gonna shut up now but as always Read, Enjoy and PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW (Im a review junkie)**

**Until The End Of Time**

Pushing open the door to the gallery above Burke's OR Meredith took one of the few spare seats and sat down her full concentration on the scene below. She wasn't quite sure why she was here and she didn't even understand her need to be having never met the woman before but there was a little voice in her head telling her that no matter how strange it felt this was where she should be.

It was then George looked up from the operating table and on seeing Meredith above his face registered shock before giving her a slow nod and Meredith knew everything was going as well as they could expect.

But it was only as a hand took hold of her own that she realized while her whole focus had been on George the empty seat next to hers had been taken and there was no need for her to turn her head to know who it was.

"I shouldn't care, I have no reason too but I do… … a part of me really does care."

Her voice was so low Derek had to lean in closer to catch what she was saying and without a thought to the other interns or residents sat on either side of them he kissed her cheek in a feather light caress.

"I'm glad that you do and the fact that you care is a quality you shouldn't wish away Mer."

"You think so?"

"No I don't think I know, its one of the things that is so very special about you."

"Flatterer!"

Dropping her head onto his broad shoulder Meredith sighed contently as his arm wrapped around her and his own head rested on hers.

"Have you seen my father?"

"Mmm he's outside pacing the halls."

"Maybe you should go give him an update." Meredith said breaking the silence between them causing him to smile softly.

"I think it would mean more coming from you,"

"I can't… Please Derek?"

Green eyes swirling with emotion met blue and he knew there was no way he could refuse her and so with a reassuring smile he nodded in acceptance.

"Okay on the condition you don't run off after this because you have a lunch date with a very handsome attending who I've heard from the nurses is known as Dr McDreamy…"

His smile transformed into a mischievous grin his eyes sparkling and chuckling Meredith returned his earlier touch and pressed her lips to his stubbled jaw.

"I could think of something else much more fitting to call him but otherwise I can't wait!"

"Good."

After getting an update on Susan Grey's condition from Burke Derek approached the pacing Thatcher whilst a nervous looking girl who he guessed to be one of Meredith's half sisters sat nearby staring down at her hands.

"Dr Shepherd I'm sorry I didn't see you." Thatcher stopped abruptly in front of him and Derek smiled

"Its Derek and I thought you'd like to know it's going as planned and she's doing fine so far, if it all keeps going this way it shouldn't be too much longer."

Relief washed over Thatcher's face in a way that reminded him of Meredith's reaction to tense situations and just for a second he thought the man might hug him.

"She's doing okay…"

Thatcher let out a long breath and nodding Derek used his hand on Thatcher's shoulder to guide him over towards the chairs.

"There are never any guarantees in surgery as you know but I spoke to Dr Burke himself and barring any unseen complications he's very optimistic."

"You did that, thank you thank you very much."

With the tension draining out of him the older man sat down heavily clasping his daughter's hand who smiled tentatively up at Derek. It was that smile that told him though in some ways she may resemble Meredith slightly she lacked her fire, the strength of spirit that made Meredith who she was and the woman he loved so much.

"Actually it was Meredith's idea she thought it might help…"

"Oh, that was extremely thoughtful of her and I'm incredibly grateful to you both for this I don't really deserve anything from her I know that... Both you and Richard told me how different she is to Ellis and I saw it when we had coffee together and well all of this has made me realize just exactly what I have missed out on…"

The pain and regret in his eyes was impossible to miss and so was the strain in his voice and taking the seat beside him Derek nodded.

"Not only you but Ellis too has missed out on really knowing Mer but you have a chance now, it may not seem like much but it is a chance so whatever you do don't let it pass you by because even giving you this has been hard for her…"

He knew this wasn't exactly the time but when it came down to it Meredith was the only one whose feelings mattered and as far as he was concerned he was willing to risk anyone else if it meant that he could protect her.

"I won't let her down again," Thatcher said quietly and raising Derek nodded.

"Please don't, you know there are only so many times a person can pick up the pieces and still keep on going and I think Mer deserves so much more than to be let down again… ... I've asked Dr O'Malley to come and find you as soon as Dr Burke is done."

"Thank you once again Derek."

* * *

Meredith hesitated outside Susan Grey's room repeating over and over as if she was chanting a mantra that this was just any other patient and that as the on call intern it was her job to check on her. 

The woman in the bed looked up as she came through the door and it was only a brief moment before her face broke into a wide welcoming smile and it struck Meredith right then just how right she had been that night on her father's doorstep. This women was the complete opposite of her mother and somehow she knew Susan Grey spent a lot of her time smiling and laughing.

"You're Meredith aren't you?"

Her voice though tinged with tiredness was incredibly friendly and Meredith found it hard to look away to concentrate on the open chart in her hands.

"Yes, yes I am… I'm on call so I've just come to check on you it won't take long and then… and then you can get some rest."

Feeling incredibly self conscious Meredith stuttered slightly over her words and buried her face in the chart having to read the same sentence five times before it penetrated the fog to reach her brain.

It was only when she finally looked back up that she became aware for the first time that they were alone but as soon as her mouth started to open to ask the question she clamped it shut yet it seemed Susan had read her thoughts.

"Thatcher's gone home for the night but only after I spent the whole evening convincing him I was fine… He's a fuss pot, worries too much and is just the same even when one of the girls get so much as a sniffle!"

Meredith felt envy twist her insides and no matter how ashamed she was of feeling this way there was no way to stop it.

On the few occasions growing up that she herself had been ill she had longed for that kind of attention from someone other than their housekeeper and those hours in bed had been spent dreaming of her father using memories to make up different scenarios of how he would come to help her.

These people her fathers family they had never known anything else and she wondered if his daughters knew just how lucky they were, or if they knew just how alone it was possible to feel.

"Ever since I found out you and your husband were doctors here I've been hoping to meet you, Thatcher he has a few photos of you both together as a child and he used to tell Molly and Lexie all about their big sister, he always said you would grow up to be very beautiful and he was right…"

Totally lost for words and with absolutely no idea what to say even if she could speak Meredith in self preservation retorted to what she had come into the room in the first place to do.

"This must be extremely hard for you finding out you have a family you never knew about… I always thought Thatcher should have done something to get in contact sooner but well your mother she broke him and… …"

"You're not my family!" Meredith said bluntly knowing no matter how true it may be it had been rude.

"I'm sorry that was rude… Its just you see I already have a family, I have Derek and his family in New York and I have a family here also I have my mother because despite all her faults and everything else she is still that!"

"Oh Meredith of course she is I never meant to offend you and your right you do have your own family but we could be your family too…"

Meredith couldn't explain why tears were filling her eyes or the lump she had to swallow before she could even speak.

"I'm sorry I'm sure you're very lovely but I don't know you and you don't know me… One day I may be ready but right now I'm finding it hard enough just to except my father…"

Susan felt her heart ache for the woman who suddenly looked a lot more like a confused child than the surgical intern she was and as a mother herself she was able to see maybe better than Thatcher just how much damage had been done not only by Ellis's absence but by his too.

"I understand but I want you to know that you'll always be welcome and I hope one day in the future we do get to know one another."

Meredith's smile was strained as she fought the internal battle to keep a hold on her emotions, this woman in a way reminded her of Derek's mother the type of mother you were always jealous of a friend for having the type of mother Ellis Grey could have been in another life. With Derek's mother though she was always at total ease no baggage between them and Meredith knew it would take years if ever for her to feel that way about Susan Grey and her family.

"I should go check on my other post op patients but if you do need anything have the nurse page me."

"And if you ever need anything Meredith you know where i am," Susan said quietly and turning back at the door Meredith nodded her smile sad.

"Thank you."

* * *

Opening the door to the fourth on call room Derek found the exact person he had been looking for in all of the others, leaning against the door frame using the light from the hall he stayed there for a little while to simply watch her. She slept like a child lying absolutely still with her cheek pillowed on her hand and he knew this was one sight he could never grow tired off. 

Meredith had told him he was welcome to stay at hers maybe spend some time getting to know Izzy and George a little better but it hadn't felt the same being there without her.

The house was also such a contrast to their apartment back in New York where every surface was littered with photos of them from throughout their whole relationship or with things they had brought together. Then again he knew the whole point of Meredith moving had been to forget him and them it was just now he missed having all those thing around him, things that were special to the two of them.

Stepping into the room Derek kicked off his shoes pulling his sweater over his head before crawling up the bed so he could slip in behind her his back pressed to the wall. He felt her body tense at the sudden contact so propping himself up he brushed her hair back and kissed the skin just below her ear his tongue flicking out to taste her.

"Derek?"

Meredith mumbled, instinctively turning over to snuggle closer to the familiar warmth as her arm went around his waist her hand going up inside his shirt to stroke his bare back.

"I missed you,"

He admitted only to be met with a sleepy chuckle.

"You big baby."

Meredith's mouth found his in a hot sweet kiss and Derek found himself letting out a protesting groan as it ended all too soon.

"What's your biggest fear?"

The question coming so out of the blue confused him and he took a few seconds to answer having to pull his mind away from the effects of that kiss.

"Losing you."

His voice was husky with desire and unable to resist her close proximity for any longer he kissed her again, teasing her lips apart as he rolled her on top of him but again Meredith broke the kiss.

"Mine is that one day I might end up like my mother, that I might end up thinking it's better just not to care than to risk being hurt again… I cant believe she was always this hard Derek, life has made her this way and it scares me… …"

"Mer what's made you even think about this?"

"I talked to Susan this evening and she is so warm and kind Derek the complete opposite to my mother and I cant help but wonder what her life could have been if Richard had chosen her, how different she might have been… …"

Moving his hands up her body Derek cupped her face, his thumbs stroking under her eyes his fingers gently massaging in small circles as his mind went back to the day Ellis had arrived in Seattle and the difference in her smile when she had looked at Richard.

"Maybe your right maybe she would have been different but either way you are not your mother Meredith and you have shown that time and time again… Every good thing that you are is despite of both of your parents and you have too big a heart to ever stop caring about people…"

"You said all of that just to get in my pants didn't you???"

Meredith teased lightly but really she was touched by his words and coming from him it meant so much more than if anyone else had said the exact same.

"Is it working???"

She could well imagine exactly what smile was plastered on his face and lowering she traced the outline of that grin with the tip of her tongue before kissing him softly pulling back ever so slightly.

"I think it just might be… … You know you're very good for me Derek Shepherd!"

Derek laughed rolling her so she was back beneath him lifting away from her slightly to rid himself of his shirt.

"And you Meredith Shepherd are extremely good for me apart from when your being a complete and utter tease…"

_Cause if your love was all I had  
In this life  
Well that would be enough  
Until the end of time  
So rest your weary heart  
And relax your mind  
Cause I'm gonna love you girl  
Until the end of time_

**So that was that ... Well i dont know what to say now but i think next chap we're kinda going to be moving a little away from this bit of the story but im not too sure how yet so like me you'll have to wait and see for what my independant and very cluttered mind comes up with... **

**But anyway i hope you enjoyed the amount of MerDer and if you'd like to let me know by hitting the blue/purple button i'd be really really gratefull!!! **

**Next Chap will be up in a few days!!**


	23. Chapter 23

**Well THANKS as always to the people who reviewed its seriously appreciated and if any other readers want to come out of the woodwork then it would be very very very much appreciated (im feeling greedy)!!!**

**So this is chapter 23 and it hasnt got a title because i couldnt find one or think of one that fit it and i think im feeling a little lazy as i cant seem to make myself look too hard, but this chapter is long and by word count its the longest of the story so far but hopefully its not all drabble! Anyway so as always please Read,Enjoy and Please Review!!!**

For a split second Meredith was sure she still dreaming as she stood on the bottom stair and stared at the piles of neatly stacked boxes that had taken over the entrance hall of her mother's house.

"What the hell is going on Izz?" She demanded spotting Izzy as she tried to find a path way out of the kitchen.

"Oh this is so not me…" Izzy protested holding her hands up in innocence as she tried in vain to stop herself laughing at the comical look of incredulity that was Meredith's face.

"Then where the hell has all this come from, I cant of been that drunk last night that I missed the fact the entrance hall had turned into box city!"

"Arrived about an hour ago all addressed to Derek, well except for this one but it didn't come with the rest."

Izzy placed the large expensive looking gift wrapped box in to Meredith's hands that was in complete contrast to the more solid storage boxes that surrounded them but Meredith only stared down at it dumbly trying to figure out how she was expected to deal with all of this without even her first cup of coffee.

"Where is my ass of a husband anyway, tell me he didn't just run out leaving you to sort this?"

"No him and George left about an hour ago before all these arrived something about a patient to check on."

"Him and George?" Meredith repeated her eyes flicking up to Izzy in confusion before settling back on the silver box in her hands continuing to stare at it as if at any minute it was likely to explode.

"Since when has George taken to riding with Derek?"

Izzy shrugged well aware that Meredith had started to sense just how uncomfortable George still was around Derek and around Meredith too when they were together.

And she knew better than anyone just how much George still cared about Meredith but it was impossible to be around Meredith and Derek and not see just how right they were, so he was coming around slowly and starting to see the advantages of having another male in the house.

Though Derek didn't live there officially and there were still nights Meredith would spend at the trailer there hadn't been a night since Meredith had started wearing her rings that they had spent apart, even when Mer had been on call last week Derek had left the house and gone to the hospital.

"Maybe he's hoping Derek will take over tampon duty?" Izzy grinned and shrugging Meredith smiled distractedly as she sat down on the stairs to open the box only to start laughing a few seconds later.

"What, what's so funny Mer?" Izzy asked only to start laughing herself as Meredith held up the bright pink rubber boots that were covered in thick canary yellow swirls.

"Oh they are cute... Hang on there's a note…"

Izzy delved into the box pulling out a piece of thick cream paper from where it was nestled in the remaining tissue paper and at Meredith's nod started to read aloud.

"Mer I thought you might be in need of these if the rumors are true and my little brother really has turned into a flannel wearing, wood chopping fisherman… …. Who?"

"Nancy!" Meredith chuckled taking the unsigned note and reading it through herself before slipping it back into the box along with the boots.

"Derek will kill Addison…"

"Why Addison I thought you said they were from Nancy???"

"They are but Nancy is in New York and though he swears she is a witch she isn't and certainly doesn't have any magical powers…" Meredith said thinking of her favorite of Derek's four sisters.

"Go get a knife or something to open the rest of these Izz."

"Seriously?"

"What's his is mine or whatever was in our vows and anyways from the looks of them it looks like they are all from New York anyway…"

Izzy didn't need much more persuasion than that and it wasn't long before they were both sat on the living room floor and Meredith couldn't help but giggle as Izzy tore in to her box looking more and more like an excited child at Christmas whist she was still struggling to get past the tape.

"Mer you look beautiful and wow McDreamy really does pull off the tux…" Glancing up at Izzy's gasp she forgot all about her own box to crawl over to where Izzy was sat holding a very familiar white photo album.

Taking it from her Meredith settled it open on her own lap her finger reaching out to trace Derek's smiling face and as she turned the pages answering Izzy's questions, naming the different people she felt as if she was doing it all on auto pilot.

The rest of her was back in that small church trying not to giggle when Mark had winked at her as she'd walked down the aisle on the arm of Derek's uncle but then Derek had turned around and for a moment everything and everyone else had simply faded away as she had lost herself in his blue eyes. The way a tear had slipped from his eyes as he'd slid the ring onto her finger or Mark coughing and mentioning that there were children present when their kiss had turned passionate causing the other guests to laugh.

"Why isn't there any photo's with your Mom in them?"

As soon as she had spoken Izzy wished she had kept her mouth shut when Meredith silently closed the album, all the happiness from seconds before draining from her face leaving her pale, her mouth tight.

"She didn't come… Some surgery came up that she couldn't miss or it was simply her way of showing how much she didn't approve, but who knows with my mom she's not big on explaining herself… …" Though Meredith's voice was even, emotionless a look of pain twisted her face and Izzy squeezed her hand.

"Oh Mer I'm sorry."

"Don't be it was a long time ago…" Meredith said shaking her head and forcing a smile "Right well let's see what's in the rest of these!"

Shutting the front door behind himself Derek felt his heart lift at the sound of Meredith's infectious giggle complimented by Izzy's chuckle but his ready smile slipped as he spotted the few remaining boxes pushed up against the wall and rubbing a hand over his face he sighed.

This was meant to be her surprise he had had it all planned out or so he thought, he had told Kathleen to arrange with the delivery company to make sure it arrived tomorrow when he knew Meredith would be at work and he would be able to at least get everything that he wanted out and arranged and move the rest into the spare room.

"Derek likes it!"

Meredith's protest broke through his disappointment and moving into the doorway he surveyed the chaos that was now the living room and surrounded his wife and her roommate. Meredith still in her red bath robe was sat cross legged next to a fully dressed Izzy trying to reach something that Izzy was holding above her head.

"I like what?" Derek asked making them aware of his presence only for Izzy to open her hand so he could see the glass paper weight designed in the shape of a ferry boat that had sat on his desk in his study.

"This tasteless… … Ouch Mer don't pinch!"

"I brought him that! Not that he deserves it now after turning the house into cardboard box city without even letting me know what he had planned the… … …"

"Flannel wearing, wood chopping fisherman!" Izzy happily completed grinning at Derek.

"Have you two been drinking???" He asked bending down to kiss Meredith pulling back to stroke her face "They were meant to arrive tomorrow I wanted to surprise you when you came home from work, you say this place doesn't feel like your own and as we haven't settled for definite on a plan for the land yet I wanted to make it at least that little more like home…"

His foot kicked at one of the now empty boxes as Izzy sighed

"Ah Mer that's sweet…"

Unable to keep her frown in place as all her anger drained away Meredith took his hand pulling him down to sit beside her only for him to lift her onto his lap with her facing him.

"Thank you." She whispered right before kissing him as he moved her just that little closer as she buried her face in his neck.

"So what was with the _flannel wearing fisherman_ comment? It sounds like something Addison might say or… …" He trailed off as Meredith giggled nipping at his sensitive spot right below his ear.

"Nancy sent me a gift!"

"And which does she want in return my soul or our first born ?" He asked and for anyone who didn't know just how much he adored his sister or the teasing relationship they shared Meredith knew they would take him completely serious.

"Derek don't be mean… Izz show him."

As Izzy lifted the boots up and read out the note Derek's mouth fell open before his body started to shake and he let out a roar of laughter.

"Oh she is good… … Did I get a pair too?" He gasped

"Sadly not but you can borrow mine if you ask nicely?"

"Mmm how nicely?" He whispered in her ear as his hands slipped inside her robe to stroke her bare flesh his lips finding hers as she shivered in delight her hands eagerly returning the favor.

"Okay I know this is your house and all that but seriously you have a room, please use it because ever since he started staying here i have seen much more of him than i want or need to!"

"Great idea Dr Stevens." Derek agreed kissing Meredith one last time straightening her robe as she wrapped her legs around his waist so that when he stood he was still carrying her and with a last grin at Izzy made his way to the stairs.

* * *

Sprawled out on the sofa his shirt unbuttoned with Meredith straddling him now fully dressed with her damp hair hanging down her back he let out a contented sigh. 

"Do you think you know we should maybe get Izzy something to say thank you?" Derek asked wondering how in just a few hours Izzy had managed to tidy the devastation that had been the living room and arrange many of their possessions so they fitted in looking as if they had always been there but giving the house at the same time a much warmer feel.

Photo's that he had specifically asked Kathleen to pack were now dotted around the room and throughout the house just how he had planned whilst what was left over was now neatly stored away in the spare room.

"We??" Meredith repeated raising her eyebrows

"Fine do you think maybe I should buy Izzy a gift?"

"Mmm that's better but I think she would be more grateful if you brought us a new bed and I think George would appreciate that gift too…"

Returning his wide smile she knotted their fingers together her forehead resting on his their lips simply pressed together.

Though she had never thought this house could feel like home he had been right and with their own things all around them it helped but she still couldn't wait till they had a place of their own on his land where they could truly start leaving the past behind them.

"A new bed… Are you sure your not just thinking of all the fun it would be breaking it in???"

"Maybe, but seriously today and what you had planned was sweet and incredibly thoughtful and… …"

"Dreamy?"

He suggested snatching a kiss from her willing lips that was only broken as her fingers released his to travel down his sides to tickle his ribs while her mouth moved to his neck her teeth grazing his skin causing him to squirm and arch beneath her their shared laughter echoing around the room.

Both completely and utterly absorbed in the other that was until a pillow smacked Meredith firmly in the back of her head.

"Mer, there's um someone here to see you?" Izzy sounded nervous and turning in confusion Meredith thought she would have fallen to the floor if it weren't for Derek's hands still at her waist.

"I'm sorry for coming around unannounced like this but your friend Dr O'Malley told me it was your day off and well Susan was discharged today and I… … Well I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye and then I remembered you said you were living here… I'm sorry I should have rang or something…"

He came to an end looking so nervous that Derek couldn't help but take pity on him especially as it seemed Meredith had lost the power of speech.

"Its fine, come on in and take a seat… I'll go get us all some coffee."

Pressing a reassuring kiss to Meredith's forehead they untangled themselves and a barefoot Derek followed Izzy into the kitchen doing up his shirt as he went leaving Meredith staring after him.

Since Susan's surgery they had been for lunch two more times but though it was getting easier, the conversation less stilted, there still seemed to be that slight barrier of unease and at all times both tried hard to keep the conversation from going to far back in to the past.

"So um Susan she's doing okay and everything?" Meredith managed as he finally took a seat but his attention wasn't on here it was on a large framed photograph of her and Derek that Izzy had placed on one of the small tables and it seemed he had to pull himself away to answer her.

"Yes, yes she's much better or as good as new so she says… Is that, was that you're wedding?" Thatcher asked stretching out to take it in his hands and as he raised his eyes the unshed tears were unmistakable but Meredith's only response was a slight nod of her head.

"I'm sorry I missed it Meredith…"

"Me too."

Watching him nervously fidget with the edge of the trousers as his eyes continuously flickered around the room them back down at the photo Meredith guessed it wasn't actually so much her presence that was making him so nervous. It was the house they were in that was making him so uneasy, a house that was filled with so many memories for the both of them.

"Here we go." Derek passed coffee's to the two of them before propping himself on the arm of the sofa nearest Meredith, his free hand reaching out to rest on her shoulder as for a second she pressed her cheek against it and he knew this time she couldn't do it on her own she needed saving.

Meredith listened as the two men talked, they didn't have many shared interests but what she had always admired in Derek came into play now. It was his ability to talk to anyone, to make them feel at ease and he knew he was doing it so she didn't have to try.

Being here of all places with him seemed to have brought back all the awkwardness and emotion of that first meeting and she found it so much easier too simply listen because she was scared being in this environment would make her bring up subjects painful to them both.

She breathed an inward sigh of relief when half an hour later he got to his feet holding out his hand to Derek who shook it allowing him to turn to Meredith.

"I really do hope we could meet again soon... I know I have so much to make up for but you see I hate the thought of missing out on anymore of your life Meredith…" Nodding Meredith managed a smile as she rose to her feet, her hand instantly finding Derek's.

"We could keep meeting for coffee or lunch sometimes when we are both free if thats okay with you?"

For the first time since he had been there a real smile transformed his face causing it to glow as he nodded his approval

"I'd like that very much… … No, no both of you stay where you are I can see myself out and I'll be in touch Meredith."

As soon as he'd gone Derek wrapped his arms around her feeling her tense body relax against his as her arms crept around his waist.

"It's okay, it will be okay." He whispered soothingly dropping a tender kiss to her hair.

"Do you think he means it? That it won't be a case of out of sight out of mind…" Meredith asked sounding heartbreakingly vulnerable and Derek found himself preying that this time Thatcher would be the father she needed him to be.

"I hope so,"

"Yeah me too."

* * *

Stood next to Addison at the bar in Joes Meredith couldn't help it as her eyes drifted once again over to where Derek was sat talking to Mark and Addison wasn't bothered one bit that she didn't have Meredith's full attention she was just simply happy to see them both looking like the couple they once used to be.

"So it would be a good guess to say that by the fact you two cant keep your eyes off each other that his surprise went down well even if it did go a little awry?"

"You knew about that and you didn't even drop me a hint, that's not like you its usually torture when you know something I don't?" Meredith managed dragging her eyes away from Derek who was now smiling with that look, their look in his eyes.

"Well yes usually I do enjoy the torturing part and its more fun because of how much you hate surprises but this time not only Derek swore me to secrecy and though he is easy to ignore Nancy isn't!"

"Unless you're her brother that is… … You know Addie I don't know how I ever imagined that I would be okay without him, he's Derek…"

"And you're Meredith."

Addison nodded in complete agreement because as far as she was concerned that explained everything. They were them and they made one of those couples that other couples though they might never admit it felt envious of, they really didn't need anyone else, they could survive as long as they had each other and were happiest when it was just the two of them. And if the evidence of late was anything to go by the troubles of the last year had only seemed to make that bond on its way to being stronger than it ever was.

"I just wish you and Mark weren't going back to New York next month its been so much fun having you here…"

Meredith said bringing up exactly what her and Mark had been talking about just before Derek and Meredith had arrived, but their plans were still too new and fragile to discuss and as the other interns arrived she knew it wasn't the time.

She couldn't help but continue to watch Meredith as she leaned back against Alex as Christina and George started to argue laughing with him as the insults flew back and forth. And though she like everyone else except for Meredith knew how George felt about her there also seemed to be an unspoken connection between her and Alex. But it was understandable from the little Meredith had said as well as the bits she had picked up from the others she knew Alex had been there a lot for Meredith in the time before Derek arrived.

"Meredith that is you isnt it?"

Addison was startled out of her thoughts as a man she had never seen before reached out and touched Meredith's shoulder causing her to pull away from Alex and face him with a look of confusion.

"Um yeah… You're um … its David right?" Meredith stuttered as she remembered the last time she had met him and what it had lead too and she was painfully aware of the attention from everyone else being paid to them including Derek who was only meters away.

"Close its Daniel…" His arm slipped around her waist as he leaned in closer grinning "Well your great for a guys ego but how about I buy you a drink and help refresh your…"

Whatever he was about to say she didn't hear because the only thing she heard was the crunch as a fist connected with his jaw.

**So that was that and i know the Thatcher thing was short but he wont be disappearing from the story altogether it was just i needed, wanted to move it on and anyway yeah the last bit was short and mainly Addison but it wasnt planned like that it just came out that way... So the guy got hit and i guess you all know whos fist that was so next chap we'll be dealing with that but on a total; different topic i've been asked about a prequel and a sequel and i jus wondering how many of you would be interested in it????? So Please Review and let me know???**


	24. Chapter 24

**OH MY GOSH!!! Seriously you guys are just amazing every one of you and now i feel all light and happy and nothing bothers me not even the fact im sat in class and uploading this instead of doing my coursework... If you didnt get that THANK YOU!!!! **

**But i have discovered a slight bad side to getting lots of reviews and that is the nervous worry i might disappoint some people... So thats why this chap has been written since Wed but not uploaded till today cos im like a real basket case over it but anyway its Chap 24 n as always Please Read Enjoy and please please Review!!!**

**Fallin**

Meredith gaped down at Daniel in shock as he just about managed to push himself up in to a sitting position, one hand cradling his jaw as blood flowed freely from his split lip.

"What the hell was that?"

She demanded regaining the ability to speak as she turned to face Derek, Daniel echoing her words only to be promptly shut up by Alex checking his jaw out with the hissed instruction if he didn't want more then to keep his mouth closed.

"He's one of them isn't he, dont deny it I saw it in your face the second you saw him!"

"Seriously you want to do this now, seriously???"

"Why not or do you expect me to sit there and ignore the fact my wife is being hit on by one of her previous drunken screws!"

Derek spat out his face drained of all color, his usually laughing blue eyes near black with anger as his fists stayed clenched at his side with Mark's restraining hand on his shoulder.

Rationally he knew this was wrong, that this anger wasn't meant for her or even in a way for the man on the floor but any rational thought had gone out of the window the second his arm had slipped around Meredith's waist.

"To have it rubbed in my face, hell Meredith how many more is there, to how many guys are you that girl from Joe's, do we need to find a new bar to hang out in???"

His words hit her like a slap in the face and Meredith had to fight the urge to do exactly that to him as tears of hurt and anger blurred her vision.

"Derek if you don't shut up I swear I'll shut you up myself."

She heard Mark's threat whilst feeling Addison move closer to her side but this wasn't an argument that they could prevent this had been coming ever since that night at the harbor when Derek had refused to face, come to terms with what had happened like she had had to do with Sarah.

"No Derek you do not get to do this, do you hear me? You do not get to take the moral high ground… It was _you _do you get that _you _who broke me, who threw away everything we had first for your job, and secondly for that … And that day when i had to find out from my mother about what you had got up too in those two months you lost just about every right you had to expect an apology from me or for me to ever have to explain myself or my actions to you!"

Out of breath but still so filled with anger Meredith moved quickly grabbing hold of Alex's forgotten beer and before Derek or anyone had time to realize what she was about to do Meredith threw it in his face.

"Screw you Derek Shepherd!" She screamed pushing past both him and Mark and running out of Joe's but it only took a second of staring after her before Derek surprising everyone including himself grabbed his jacket and chased after her.

"Shit Grey was hot…" Alex murmured looking over at the others who were all still staring after Meredith and Derek but George was looking worriedly at Mark.

"Should someone go after them…? I mean he wouldn't well, I know he doesn't seem the type but he's had a bit to drink and … …"

Mark returned George's stare for a moment as he tried to figure out exactly what he had meant before starting to laugh at how stupid that thought even was.

"Derek wouldn't lay a finger on her O'Malley and I'd stake my life on it that if anyone ends up with bruises tonight then it will be Derek not Meredith."

"Mark's right he wouldn't and there's no point in us following because they need to have this out and I personally do not want to get caught in the cross fire but… …" Addison looked over at a scowling Christina "If he does screw it up I'll help you kill him."

"Oh I won't need any help…" Christina muttered darkly

Derek managed to grab hold of Meredith's arm just as she reached the car, a part of him had been too angry to follow her too consumed with jealousy but those feelings in no way could compete with the fear of losing her that had gripped him when he had seen the look of horror on her face when he had shouted at her.

"Get the hell off me!" She shouted trying to wrench her arm free but Derek held on tight so swinging herself around Meredith put all she had behind her clenched fist as it connected with his left eye.

"Shit Mer." He let go, his hand going to his eye knowing instantly that with morning would come a black eye "Calm down please"

"What like how amazingly calm you were in there, first you nearly break his jaw and then you basically call me a whore in front of all my friends and half of the hospital staff and seriously your telling me to freaking calm down…Seriously Derek???"

"I never meant that … I would never call you that!"

"That's exactly what it sounded like to me, fair enough you didnt say the word but you might aswell of... But you know what I don't get I never lied to you Derek, I tried to tell you but you didn't want to hear it and suddenly your acting like this is all my fault that i broke us???"

Derek stared at her wordlessly fighting the anger, the jealousy but most of all the guilt because that's what tonight had been about. He or his actions had drove her to do what she did and she was right he had broken her but the thought of her with anyone else was like being stabbed in the heart and to be able to actually put a face to the man was more than he could take.

"Right now I hate you and after today I hate that I hate you but what makes all of this so much worse is the fact of how much I love you which is making me hate you so much more!"

Meredith stormed stamping her foot in frustration

"I had to face what happened between you and Sarah not just once but twice Derek so now it's your turn to face up to and accept what happened before you arrived so we can move on or… …"

"Or what?"

Derek asked his eye already swelling to the point where it was getting hard to see out of but it didnt matter it wasnt important now this was and as a single tear slipped from her eyes he forget everything but that he had hurt her once again.

"You might as well get on the first plane back to New York… there can only be one avoider in this relationship and I claimed that spot ten years ago when you chased me back to Dartmouth so this is your choice Derek and i cant help you with it?"

On instinct Derek moved closing the gap between them, pushing her back against the car with his body his hands moving up to cup her face.

"I hate even the thought of anyone else touching you, of anyone else having, not appreciating what is all that I have ever wanted…You are it for me Mer and I'm trying here I'm really trying but seeing that guy touch you was like having my worst nightmare come true!"

And before she could say more his mouth crushed hers in a kiss so forceful that she had little chance of resisting it, his tongue pushing for entrance into her mouth and with a groan Meredith let her hands tangle in his hair pulling him down deepening the kiss and in it Derek felt every ounce of anger spar with her love for him.

"This doesn't make it right."

"It's only a matter of time before you forgive me."

His mouth was now on her neck sucking and biting till a slap across the face caused him to pull back with a cry

"Shit Mer…"

"Ass!" She shouted kicking him in the shins giving herself enough time to jump in the car and Derek was left feeling half crippled staring after her cursing every bit of his own arrogant stupidity that had allowed him to utter those words.

He knew it was Addison even before she spoke; it was the unmistakable scent of the expensive perfume that Mark had Meredith help him pick out every year, the sound of her ridiculously high heels against the wet side walk that gave her away.

"Derek?"

Addison looked down into the one still fully open eye and almost grinned at the sight of the other one so swollen but she couldn't not when he looked on the verge of tears.

"Why can't I get it right Addie, why do I keep hurting her when she doesn't deserve it, she deserves so much more!"

Rubbing his hands over his tired face that was still sticky from Alex's beer he winced as Addison reached out and touched the skin around his eye.

"She's pretty pissed at me…"

"Yeah you think…"

Though his expression was grim Derek let a wry smile twist his lips for a second.

"Go on I know you want too but please if you feel the urge to hit me could you restrain yourself just this once…"

"Fine… Right so I can _almost understand_ why you turned into a complete Neanderthal and smacked that guy but what on earth made you say those things to Meredith, god Derek she did not deserve that and you were lucky the rest of the interns didn't lynch you… I mean what the hell were you thinking???"

"I wasn't… I was, I am so damn angry but not with her, never with her with myself… … Today was just about perfect and then I … When he touched her Addie and I realized who he was I could have killed him and this all of this is my fault! It's my fault she ended up here all alone, it's my fault she ended up drowning herself in tequila and going off with strangers and I hate myself for that, I hate myself for what I have done to her…"

Addison sighed reaching out and squeezing his hand her smile soft, what else could she say he was punishing himself enough and though he deserved to feel this bad right now she knew Meredith would be suffering more and Derek was the only one who could make her feel better and right now her concern was for Meredith.

"This isn't your first fight and somehow I doubt it will be your last so go home, explain it to Mer and show her taking you back weren't a huge mistake…"

Taking a little hope from her words Derek smiled taking Addison into his arms and pressing a brotherly kiss to her cheek.

"Mark's lucky to have you."

"Oh I know and so does he, I make sure of it!" She laughed and Derek shook his head knowing he should of never expected any other answer from her, Addison was well aware of her own worth.

"Here's my keys we'll get a taxi back to the hotel but you better leave before Christina finds you out here because right now she's deciding what to cut of first your hair or your…"

Addison left the sentence unfinished laughing as Derek snatched the keys from her hand starting to look worried

"I'm gone…"

Pulling up in Mark's rental car he was relived to see Meredith's jeep already parked safely outside the house and within moments he was at the front door using his key to open it. The house was in darkness and without flicking on one light he made his way up to her room pushing her door open gently wary of any flying objects.

"So there's this arrogant, over bearing, cocky, brainless, jealous jerk that goes around punching guys and shouting at his wife for no good reason who knows sorry isn't enough right now but he's willing to do just about anything to make it up to her…"

He said moving closer to the bed where Meredith was laid on top of the covers, her back to him staring at the rain splattered window but when she didn't answer he let out a sigh taking a seat on the edge of the bad.

"I only took it out on you because it was easier than admitting to myself that all of this is my fault and you were right if I had never been absent or let what happened with Sarah happen then we would never be in this mess and I'm sorry Mer…"

When she still didn't answer him he got back to his feet and walked towards the door stopping just before he left the room.

"I'm going to go back to the trailer tonight give you some… …" He stopped as he heard her shift and without turning over she spoke for the first time.

"You can sleep on the couch and you better put something on that eye and you're right you are a jerk a real big jerk."

_Just when I think  
I've taken more than would a fool  
I start fallin' back in love with you_

_I keep on  
Fallin'  
In and out of love with you  
I never loved someone  
the way that I love you_

**Okay so if you lot all hate it i'm gonna crawl up in a ball and sob forgetting the fact i'm seventeen and not three and have a real big tantrum so for my sake i really hope i havent disappointed anyone!!!**

**But okay Derek was a bastard but i always think bastard Derek is sexy so thats why i let him be one to Mer but it didnt last long cos he isnt angry at her not really he's angry at himself because if he had never screwed up then they wouldnt be here and he knows that but the angst isnt over yet and we're getting into the end of this story so ... **

**Anyway so all of you lovely clever beautiful people who reviewed last chap (hoping flattery might work)**** i'm asking PLEASE REVIEW again and let me know how you felt about this...**


	25. Chapter 25

**I keep saying THANK YOU and i really really really mean it everyone of you is just great and like seriously im just your biggest fan right now... So THANK YOU again :) !!!!!**

**Anyway this is Chap 25 and its really split me in 2 but instead of just deleating it and starting from scratch i'm just gonna go with it so if it is bad blame the impulsive impatient side of me that it typing right now!!!**

**But as always PLEASE Read, (hopefully) Enjoy and Please Review review review!!!!**

**I Cant Sleep**

"Remind me not to cross Meredith again, that's some black eye…"

George whispered to Izzy as they both looked down on a sleeping Derek, though the swelling had obviously reduced the dark angry bruise staining his skin made up for it.

"I know I bet he's come of worse than that Daniel, how wrong is it that I'm feeling like a proud mamma right now???"

"A little maybe but not much… … Is it wrong that I'm just a little scared of Meredith after seeing this?" George's voice was still hushed as they bent that little bit closer.

"Me too i mean she could go all cage fighter on us at any moment without warning… You know he really does have great hair it's so thick and glossy kinda makes you just want to run your fingers through it, I wonder what conditioner he uses?"

"I don't and do you know how unnerving it is to wake up to you two peering down at me like that?"

Derek muttered groggily, pushing himself up so suddenly it caused them to jump back with a screech as Derek himself groaned, his back protesting at a night on the cramped uncomfortable couch.

"Is Mer here?" He asked his hope being replaced by confusion as Meredith's two roommates looked at each other both trying to make the other answer him as they avoided his gaze.

"Uh no…. She left for the hospital already but she um well she told us to tell you that she's kinda confiscated your trailer…" Derek frowned as they both started to slowly back out of the room as Izzy continued "Oh and your car and we're not aloud to let you in ours!"

"Seriously?"

He demanded straight away reaching for last nights discarded jeans only to find both sets of keys missing and his wallet empty of all his credit cards leaving only fifty dollars in cash.

"Did my wife leave any other message?" Derek called after them his voice bordering on a chuckle now as his sense of humor started to kick in.

This was vengeful Meredith at work but he had always preferred vengeful Meredith to silent avoiding Meredith for the simple reason vengeful Meredith would talk to him if only to call him an ass.

"You don't mind???" George asked popping his head back around the door and almost but not quite smiling Derek shrugged.

"I do mind but not as much as when she plucked my eyebrows or waxed my legs…" Derek said and unable to hold back the wince that still came whenever he remembered that particular torture.

"You let Meredith do that to you??"

George asked feeling shocked but then he shouldn't be because if living with them had taught him anything it was that when it came to his wife there didn't seem to be anything Derek wouldn't do for her and it confused him because then there was last night.

And last night he could have almost believed for those few seconds that they had hated each other just like when Meredith had screamed at Derek that first day he arrived in Seattle, but maybe that's the couple they were, two people who could feel that amount of hate if that's what it was and still know underneath it all was love because that's what he could see shining in Derek's eyes now just at the mention of Meredith's name.

"I had no say in the matter she took advantage while I was sleeping."

"Oh what did you do that time?"

"Nothing really only Addison wanted to test out a new product she brought and so they thought they'd do my eyebrows while they were at it and as I was sleeping off a night out with Mark I was the perfect guinea pig…"

"Oh… Meredith she kinds of owns you doesnt she." But as Derek raised his eyebrows George felt the need to explain "Not that i'm saying your her bitch or anything it's just that... well she..."

Seeing his trouble and wanting to save him from digging any further Derek nodded with a laugh

"Yes O'Malley she does kind of own me."

"Right well thats okay she's your wife, wives own husbands and room mates apparently too but you know I could you a cab Meredith didn't ban us from doing that…"

"That would be good George thank you."

* * *

Stood at the nurse's station drinking coffee Mark couldn't hold back the laughter as he caught sight of Derek walking towards him and though his scrub cap was pulled down further than usual it did nothing to hide the discoloration around his eye. 

"Well at least it doesn't clash with your scrubs and cap that's got to be something and I'm sure your little fan club will only sigh over you some more it does make you that little rougher!" He teased and met with a dark scowl from his best friend in return as Derek took the coffee from him taking a long gulp of it before handing it back.

"Shut up!"

"So your mood matches the color of that beauty too?"

This time Derek didn't even bother to speak simply glowered causing Mark to chuckle.

"I've never loved kiddo as much as I do right now did you know that… Oh and remind me later to catch up with Karev!"

"What, why?"

"Oh he bet you two would have made up after you chased after her last night but I knew my girl would hang you out to dry and she didn't disappoint."

"Seriously?" Derek said shaking his head wondering just exactly when his oldest friend had taken to betting on his marriage or more to the point his wife.

"McJerk Dr Bailey needs you for a consult," Meredith interrupted them slipping a patients chart back into the rack as Mark kissed her cheek.

"McJerk?" He repeated and Meredith nodded

"Or McAss he can take his pick i dont really mind which…"

"McJerk could grow on me." Derek nodded his mood lifting a little as he watched the corners of her lips twitch as Mark turned back to him.

"So sleeping on the couch last night how was that?"

"Oh just great and so was waking up this morning to find my wife had stolen the keys to my car, trailer and taken my credit cards…"

"Seriously?"

Mark turned to Meredith with ever growing respect in his eyes, he wasn't blind he know how much Derek had hurt her last night and just what it would take for her to keep this up and not give in because for some reason two of the most stubborn people he had ever met seemed to have so little of it when it came to the other.

"Technically it's not stealing and when a husband calls his wife a whore he loses all of his rights." Though her voice was calm neither were death to the underlying anger.

"I did not call you a whore!" Derek growled lowering his voice as eyes turned their way.

"No but you meant it!"

"And I said I was sorry."

"And now we will see how sorry I can make you." Meredith whispered patting his cheek lightly before walking away leaving them both staring after her.

"I love her!" Mark told him and Derek nodded his own eyes alight with admiration even if all he really wanted was for her to turn around and fall into his arms telling him that she forgave him and that it was okay but that wouldnt be her and he loved her for all that she was.

"So do I and I don't think I would want her any other way!"

* * *

Derek didn't know whether to laugh or run for his own safety when he stepped into the elevator to find its only other occupant was Meredith. 

"I hate you!"

She told him fiercely as she folded her arms across her chest and knowing a smile might just earn his left eye a shiner to match the right one he nodded moving to stand as close to her as he could without actually touching.

"I deserve that."

Stealing a glance at him from underneath her eyelashes Meredith almost wished she hadn't as another wave of guilt washed over her at the sight of his eye just like it had this morning when she had stood and watched him sleep.

She knew him well enough to believe what he had said was in anger, anger that wasn't directed at her but that didn't mean she could rid herself of the voice that kept repeating maybe a part of him had meant it and it was that voice keeping the anger alive.

"Come here." He whispered huskily as he saw the turmoil in her eyes, tipping her chin up Derek bent his head and kissing her gently.

Taking his time to savor her taste as her lips parted beneath his, her hands finding their way into the curls at the base of her neck as he moved them both back against the elevator wall, this kiss the complete opposite to the one they had shared last night.

"I haven't forgiven you…" Meredith breathed when his mouth left hers to trail down her throat sucking and biting as Derek moved his hands up underneath her scrub top.

"I know," He answered as he kissed his way back to her ear as his hands found her breasts causing her to moan as she arched against him.

"And we need to talk, when I'm not so mad we need we need to talk… talk Derek… …"

Her words were swallowed by his mouth meeting hers again and this time the kiss wasn't soft it was hard, demanding and only ended when the doors started to open and Meredith broke away pushing at his chest for release.

"I still hate you and this doesn't change a thing!" Meredith hissed only for Derek to grab hold of her and snatch another kiss

"I love you and you could never hate me Meredith Shepherd no matter how much you may want too!"

And that was half the problem Meredith thought as she made her way down to the cafeteria as her fingers touched her still swollen lips if she could hate him then maybe her life wouldn't be so complicated but she also knew she would of never have gotten so far without him

"Bump into Derek did you?" Addison asked as Meredith joined her at the table.

"No, what… why would you even think that?" She stuttered only for Addison to laugh as she looked her over from head to toe.

"The glazed look in your eyes, your hair looks just like a mans hands have been running through it, your top is all tucked up at the side and oh yeah the biggest give away the hickey on your neck … So hating Derek is going well?"

Blushing Meredith snatched the compact mirror Addison was holding out for her and groaned throwing herself back in her seat at the sight of the red stain on her skin and the clearly visable imprints of Derek's teeth.

"Shut up!" Meredith said moodily as Addison laughed at her "It's not my fault, he looks at me and then I… I forget I'm trying to hate him, I forget everything and he's so…?"

"Oh Mer you don't have to explain yourself to me, I want nothing more than to see you two happy, making out all over the place… You two aren't just starting out you have been together for ten years, he was the first guy you ever loved and for him well as he would say your it, you both deserve this chance to fix this, for Derek to fix what he broke!"

Addison told her softly reaching out to take her hand and squeeze it softly, and there was a little part of her doing this for what some would say selfish reasons but if her and Mark were going to move their whole lives here then she wanted them to be together.

"So you think I should stop punishing him?"

"No but I do think you should at least let him know what you want from him… Last night was about him finally facing up to what he has done so let him make it up to you Mer,"

And looking in to the green eyes of the person who had been her closest friend for so long Meredith nodded slowly.

"Okay."

* * *

It was long past midnight when the cab dropped him at the house after an emergency in the pit had kept him in the O.R for hours and just when he had thought the patient would make it they had lost him and now all he wanted was to curl up next to Meredith and lose himself in her but catching sight of the pillow and blankets waiting for him he knew it wouldnt be happening. 

Meredith heard him come in but knowing he was home didn't help as she only seemed to toss and turn more, her bed seeming too big all of a sudden and with his scent all over the sheets it was impossible for her to relax enough to sleep. Deciding to throw her pride to the wind after another hour of staring up at the ceiling Meredith threw the blankets back and made her way downstairs.

At the first sound of footsteps Derek put it down to wishful thinking refusing to believe it was really her as they came closer until a warm body came down next to him and the scent of lavender seemed to fill the room.

His arm went around her tightly as he moved the blanket to cover them both scared that she might change her mind given the chance and though there was little room to move he didn't care he was just glad to have her there.

"You really hurt me."

She whispered into his neck and when he felt the wetness of her tears his heart broke, tears burning his own eyes as he kissed her hair

"I'm sorry."

Derek said softly wishing he could stop doing it once and for all and why he was even able to do it in the first place to the one person who had always been there for him giving him everything but taking so little.

"It's not enough this time, I need more from you…"

"What Mer,just say it and I'll do it?"

"I cant tell you what to do it's up to you to fix this Derek but i need to be sure that we can do this, that you take me as i am even with what has happened, even with Daniel and the rest...I don't want to lose you Derek but I don't know how much more I have to give…"

"You wont lose me I'll figure this out Mer I promise." He murmured into the darkness turning slightly so that she could fit herself more to his body so that every part of them was touching as her breathing slowed deepening as she started to finally drift into sleep.

"I'm sorry about your eye,"

And Derek felt her lips move over the skin in soft soothing kisses before thry touched his lips just once

_"_Dont be i deserved it and you deserve better..."

_How can we get it back again?  
Oh sometimes a man can say things  
That he really don't mean  
Well I'm sorry baby  
Bring your lovin' back to me…_

**Like i said nothing was how i wanted it very much in this chap and the characters refused to argue for me but that will change cos know she's asked him to fix it so McDreamy has to stand up to the plate... Anyway i cant talk about it cos il end up more disappointed so PLEASE love it or hate it REVIEW and on a different note so that i can concentrate on one or the other what would you like first ...**

**Prequel or Sequel???? Most votes win!!!**


	26. Chapter 26

**WOW...WOW...WOW**

**You guys are amazing and THANX so much for all the reviews i loved each one of um! Seriously i was so chuffed and im just real glad you all are enjoying this!!! **

**Oh and about the whole sequel / prequel thing well the prequel is winning at the moment but just so you know the prequel will be about when they first meet, Mer meeting Mark/Addie/ The Shepherds and the troubles of the age difference and Derek meeting Ellis etc... so if anyone else wants to vote which one you want first then still time but even if your favourite loses i am planning on posting both so you might jus have to wait that lil longer!!!**

**Okay now this is chap 26 and theres not much i can say and though it may seem like a filler its a necessary one which i hope you will understand and not hate me for and its a little shorter too and thats not cos i'm lazy but i had a loose end that needed tying up so which i hope will give Derek the direction he needs...**

**But still i hope you all enjoy it and as always PLEASE Read, Enjoy and PLEASE Review!!!**

**Bruised But Not Broken**

Derek looked up with a smile as Addison stepped in to his office especially when she let her lips lift into a warm smile in return.

"You free for a consult?" She asked and Derek nodded his eyes going back down to the phone book open in front of him as he ran his finger along the page.

"Sure, just give me a minute to do this,"

"Do what?"

Addison moved round to his side of the desk and when she saw exactly what he was looking at she lent over and flipped the heavy book shut.

"What was that?" He asked bemused turning his chair so he was looking up at her and Addison felt the sudden urge to slap him but taking a deep breath she simply shook her head at him instead.

"Do not send her flowers; trust me Derek that isn't what she wants from you…"

"Why not Mer loves flower's???"

Derek's confusion grew as Addison just continued to stare at him and before he knew it her hand reached out and smacked him around the back of his head.

"I'm sorry but your blindness made me do that and I did try not too…"

"Yeah I bet you tried real hard, god Addie between you and Mer I'm a battered man why can't you just use your words and since when hasn't my wife liked flowers???"

"Since they came to mean that once again you wouldn't be coming home or what ever else you might have passed up for some surgery or important occasion you had forgotten and what made it worse was Meredith knew it was your damn secretary who was placing the order…"

Addison paused for a second shaking her head at him as he stared up at her in complete shock.

"Right now do you really think she needs any more reminders of just what an ass you can be because I'd say just lately you've given her all the reminders she needs?"

"I never knew… … Why didn't she tell me?"

He asked once again turning to Addison for the answers but he had no other choice, her and Mark were the only people who knew Meredith, had been there for that whole year and right now Addison seemed to be the only one he could ask.

"Would you of listened Derek...? Back in New York for that last year or so you were completely and utterly blind when it came to Mer and her needs... I mean come on didnt you ever wonder why the flowers you sent were never around the apartmant, she would put them in the trash or give them to the old lady who lived above you as soon as they arrived..."

Addison felt as if she was explaining something to a five year old child but if getting them back on track meant taking Derek through everything step by step then it would be worth it.

"So what do I do Addie, I love her she knows that and I'm sorry but sorry isn't enough so tell me what is... Cos I would do just about anything right now?"

"With effort and time you rebuild the trust thats all you can do… This isn't a problem that can be fixed with a smile and you telling her everything will be okay and she doesnt need to be showered in gifts! Be that thoughtfull, considerate husband that used to put Mark to shame... Men really are clueless and you take the biscuit Derek Shepherd!"

"But you love me Addison and don't deny it?"

Derek gave her his best attempt at his trademark grin while his brain buzzed with what she had told him and okay he had known he had screwed up in the marriage but he had never realized just how far he and his absense had let Meredith drift away from him.

"I do but if you were my husband I would have run off with Mark by now…"

"And I would have met Mer, fallen in love and divorced your satanic high maintenance ass..." Derek threw back and Addison nodded

"Or I would have just murdered you?"

"Not if I had done it first, I would have stabbed you with one of your high heels right through the heart, you know like they do to vampires?"

Addison was laughing now with him and her eyes glinted as she came back at him, this is why their friendship had worked right from the start, both enjoyed a good battle and she had always known no matter how angry either of them got or what was said they would be okay.

"Oh no i would of definately got to you first...I would have drugged you, tied you up and then threw you off those ferry boats you love so much… Now that would be a fitting end!"

"I'm so glad I have Meredith for a wife." Derek said and Addison nodded with a satisfied smile

"Prove it then Shep!"

* * *

Walking over to where Derek was stood leaning against the gallery railings as he stared at the surgical floor below him Meredith gently touched his arm. 

All through the night he had held her close so his body was cushioning hers saving her Meredith knew from the real experience of a night on the uncomfortable sofa and it had seemed to her that Derek had got little if any sleep but he hadn't complained. Now though he looked tired, a little lost and sighing softly she lent against him her head resting lightly on his shoulder.

"You okay?"

They hadn't really spoken much this morning and Meredith knew last night was dwelling on his mind he had had that far away look in his eyes all morning and Izzy had had to ask him three times if he wanted coffee over breakfest.

Fights and arguments had never been a rare occurrence in their relationship and though she wasn't angry now it still hurt, he had hurt her and it just seemed to bring everything back to the surface, old wounds that hadn't healed and she knew they wouldn't not unless they both started talking.

"You don't like flowers anymore, how could I not know that?"

It was more of a statement rather than a question and said as Derek slowly turned round to face her, grasping her hands in a tight hold as he let out a burst of bitter humorless laughter that sounded hard to Meredith's ears

"How many husbands can claim they have ruined their wife's love of flowers…? I mean I must be something right and this is coming from the guy who once thought he knew you better than anyone else?"

Only one person knew this about her and it didn't take much to guess why Addison had felt the need to tell him but she wasn't mad in fact she was thankful because now she wouldn't have to hide her disappointment from him or make up an excuse about why recieving flowers from her husband wasnt a good thing anymore.

And it wasn't that she didn't like flowers, she loved them it was just recieving them from Derek brought back memories she'd rather forget, memories of another canceled dinner, of another night spent alone and right now that wasnt what she needed, they didnt need any more sadness.

"Derek…"

Wanting to give him the same comfort he had given her last night Meredith untangled their fingers and cupped his face quickly kissing his lips before hugging him feeling rather than visibly seeing his body relax as she pulled back.

"You do know me better than anyone else, you will never have competition in that department because how many people know I like … … Hang on how were you planning on paying for these flowers I still have your credit cards???"

Meredith suddenly changed direction and Derek gave her a sheepish smile as he pulled an unfamiliar credit card from his coat pocket and Meredith snatched it from his fingers.

"Mark Jeremy Sloane... I will kick his ass." Meredith muttered and promptly snapped the card it too before slipping it into her own pocket as suddenly Derek started to laugh, a real laugh as he grabbed hold of her arms his lips meeting hers in a crushing kiss.

"You are wonderful do you know that… And I don't know how and it may take time but I will fix us, fix you and you deserve flowers, flowers that will make you happy not sad and we will be okay Mer?"

"We will…" Meredith nodded stepping back as her pager went off and she felt his eyes watch her as she walked away and it caused her to stop and turn back

"You're officially off the sofa you know…"

* * *

Derek sat on the edge of the bed and stared down at the single photograph he held in his fingers that he had found in her drawer of her bedside table whilst searching for the pain killers he knew she kept there. 

He knew the photo well even if it was in a sorrier state than the last time he had seen it, he could even remember the exact day it had been taken and the matching one of Meredith for a long time had been firmly at home in his wallet.

But what was it doing here and why out of the hundreds of photo's they had was this the single one that she had brought with here from New York when purposefully she had left every other reminder behind.

"Whets that you've got?" Meredith asked coming in from the bathroom, one towel around her body another in her hair and silently Derek handed it to her as she sank down beside him

"Oh," Meredith shrugged her shoulders ever so slightly as she felt him, watching her intently "This was always one of my favorite photo's of you… Do you remember that day?"

Hope burned in the green eyes he loved so much and Derek knew even if he hadn't he would of lied because there was no way he could bear to disappoint her not when she looked at him like that.

"I came up to Dartmouth for a visit; Mark and Addison were covering my shifts so we had the whole weekend together… It was that Saturday night you first told me you loved me."

Wrapping his arms around her he drew her closer as tears welled in her eyes.

"You do remember…"

"Of course I do Mer, I may be a jerk but that night you made everything right for me… I had known from the moment of seeing you how I felt but you always held back and for the first time I really felt you were letting me in,"

Moving back he unwound the towel from her hair, his fingers running through the damp strands, his eyes as tender and gentle as his touch as she leaned against him feeling the touch of his lips on her face.

"That day it all became real, that whole weekend with only the two of us... ... Suddenly I had no more doubts well not about the way I felt anyway and it just seemed and felt so right…"

"Your roommate hated me!"

Derek said breaking the comfortable silence, grinning as Meredith giggled her face completely transformed as she looked up at him.

"She only hated you because she had a thing for you and not only did you constantly call her by the wrong name but you made it worse by walking around half naked and never locking the bathroom door whilst you showered... ..."

"I wanted you to join me and the one time you didn't… …"

"And then when she started to walk around in just her underwear or in a towel you told her to put more clothes on unless she wanted to catch a cold or whatever..."

Meredith cut him off like he had done to her but as quickly as his laughter had came it drained away as his eyes rested once again on the photo

"Why did you keep it Mer when you left everything else?"

"When I took this, that weekend we didn't know how much pain was to come, how much damage would be caused… I loved you and I knew you loved me and it was that Derek, that time I wanted to remember!"

"Oh,"

Derek didn't know what else to say and she didn't seem to expect more as her fingers reached for his belt buckle her lips pressing against his neck in hungry kisses

"Just be you I don't need anything more, I'm still that girl and I want the Derek I fell in love with back!"

_And the wounds will mend  
I'm bruised but not broken  
And the pain will fade  
I'll get back on my feet  
It's not the end of me  
My heart is still open  
I'm bruised but not broken... _

**So well that was that and i kinda said all i was planning to up the top but well i'm planning something to end this story with thats why there's a little longer gap between updates cos i want the ending to be good and not a flop so next update should be Mon or Tues... **

**And for now if any of you would like to hit the little button and REVIEW then i would seriously love you for it and it might inspire me to get the update up a little quicker but i wont/cant make any promises!!**


	27. Chapter 27

**You guys who all took the time to review a HUGE Thanks and seriously they really all are appreciated and theres just a little PLEASE from me to you to keep them coming as we head in to the last few chapters!!!!**

**So this is Chapter 27 and it's a couple of days on from the last update but i cant say much cos when i start i go on and im scared im gonna say something that gives the ending away... I'm gonna shut up!!**

**But for now all i ask is that you Read, Enjoy and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW ( resorted to begging)**

**Somebody to Love**

Following Izzy and George in to the locker room Meredith's smile was replaced with a frown as Izzy continued the conversation they'd been having on and off ever since Meredith had first entered the kitchen this morning.

"I'm only saying Mer is it still make up sex when he's been off the couch for the last two nights because to me that' sounded a lot like make up sex and you've been having a lot of it?"

"What's this you been keeping the house up again with your screaming orgasms Grey???"

Alex teased smirking as George began to look more and more uncomfortable whilst Izzy only laughed.

"And I never knew Derek was so religious…"

"Shut up the pair of you, so we have a healthy sex life who cares?"

Meredith demanded yanking open her locker reaching in for her scrubs only to come to a complete standstill, a glowing smile lighting up her face replacing the brief look of surprise.

"Not me, I say more sex… lets all embrace the sex!" Alex leered teasingly as he leaned over her shoulder only to let out as groan when he saw wghat was holding her captive.

"And the dude goes and ruins a night of hardcore sex with a rose… … What is he a freaking chick?"

Meredith ignored him as her fingers ran over the delicate silken petals of the single red rose sat at the bottom of her locker before bringing it up to her face.

"It's sweet McDreamy does McRomance and at least it explains why he bolted out of the hose so early this morning…"

"Mmm,"

Meredith nodded absently as she closed her locker quickly changing into her scrubs as she tried to stop the silly smile playing around her lips which made her feel like a teenager again or more like the girl she had been before it all went wrong.

Derek hadn't mentioned the whole flower issue so she had just assumed he had forgotten but apparently not and he had got it just right, they had never been about big gestures and she didn't want to start now, it was this the simple thoughtful things that meant more and said so much more.

Not surprisingly the first person she saw as she opened the locker room door was Derek, stood leaning back against the wall opposite obviously waiting for her.

"So there was a rose in my locker…"

Meredith tried not to smile as she raised her eyebrows but not missing the twinkle in her eyes Derek grinned

"Really you must be a popular lady Dr Grey,"

"Mmm I must mustn't I?"

"So any ideas who it's from because you know as your husband I should really drop a word or two in their ear."

As he was speaking her eyes drifted away from him to where Bailey was walking towards them so leaning forward Meredith briefly touched her lips to his, a kiss so quick and chaste for a moment Derek wasnt sure wheather he had imagined the contact.

"Shepherd stop distracting my intern and go do what your paid too cos I'm sure thats not to lean against walls looking pretty is it!"

Bailey ordered cutting between them but it only caused Derek's grin to grow as he pulled Meredith closer to him.

"Did you hear that she thinks I'm pretty…?"

Her hand rose to his face stroking the now yellowing bruise and capturing her fingers with his own Derek brought them to his lips.

"I'm sure she does…" Meredith laughed before becoming serious again "Thank you."

"Your welcome."

Derek spoke with emotion as he stood simply imprisoned by her gaze, it had been a while since she had looked at him this way not since before Joe's and he had missed it.

"Are you two deaf as well as dumb… Grey did you even hear me your down covering the pit so move!"

Unable to ignore Bailey for any longer Meredith pulled herself away from him.

"I should go before she really gets angry,"

"You should!"

Derek laughed feeling just like a boy with his first crush as he watched her as she walked off down the hall but when his eyes finally left her retreating form they met Baileys and just as her mouth began to open Derek spun on his heel and quickly made off down the hall missing the smile that graced her feautures as she watched the pair.

* * *

Finding Meredith down in the basement Derek pushed himself up onto the gurney next to her and took the patients chart from her hands. 

"Give me that back!" Meredith stretched for it but holding it out of her reach Derek shook his head.

"No."

He laughed casually dropping it onto the floor then grasped hold of her outstretched hands, bringing them down to her sides keeping them at a safe distance away from his own body

"Wouldn't you rather play with me instead?"

He whispered in to her ear taking a moment to nip at her ear lobe before taking his mouth down to the silken skin of her neck grazing his teeth in the way he knew would send shivers racing up her spine.

Derek only let go of her hands when her breathing become shallower and they went straight into his hair holding him to her as his own hands moved up her thigh as she let out an appreciative moan.

"See I'm much more fun,"

Derek murmured huskily causing her to giggle as his body followed hers down onto the gurney.

'Oh please isn't there enough on call rooms, store cupboards in this place for you two to do that without me having to witness it?"

Christina demanded coming down into the basement corridor and picking up Meredith's discarded chart taking the free gurney as blushing Meredith pushed at his shoulders.

"See what happens, you're a bad influence!"

"But I am fun." Derek smirked kissing her swollen lips again before pulling her up, positioning her so she was sat between her legs.

"Maybe,"

Meredith nodded smirking in satisfaction as she pushed herself back against his all too evident arousal only for his arms to go back around her waist his hands teasing at the hem of her scrub top only to be slapped away.

"Dr Shepherd!"

"Dr Shepherd huh? Does this mean we're playing naughty nurses and dirty doctors now?"

"Oh god Meredith please shut him up! Use violence if you have too but do something, maybe the other eye could do with some work?"

Christina growled but it took a second for Meredith to find her voice as she sighed with renewed pleasure as Derek's mouth returned to his favorite spot on her neck.

"I would but his little fan club is already up in arms what with him being abused and everything."

"Who gives a crap their nurses." She shrugged as chuckling Derek finally raised his head propping his chin on Meredith's shoulder

"Actually I am here for a purpose!"

"What you mean apart from bugging me and slobbering over Meredith?"

"Okay I'd like to remind you I am your boss."

"No not down here your not, down here your just the cocky, arrogant, annoying, over moused hair guy trying to get into my persons pants!"

"His hair isn't over moused !" Meredith protested causing both Derek and Christina to roll their eyes

"Oh that's the one thing you disagree with, seriously Mer?"

"But I like your hair…"

Turning her head Meredith took his lips in another lingering kiss

"So what is your purpose apart from distracting me?"

"Dinner tonight, you, me at the trailer… Just the two of us, no room mates... what do you say?"

Meredith hesitated just for a second and watching her profile closely Derek watched an emotion he didn't recognize flicker in her eyes.

"Please…"

It wasn't that she didn't want to spend quality alone time with him she did but ever since he had found the photograph somehow they had both managed to shy away from going anywhere too deep and she didn't want to start again maybe ruining this little bit of peace they had found by bringing back up unresolved issues.

But this was Derek the same man who just this morning had left for work early so he could slip a rose into her locker expecting nothing from her in return, this was Derek.

"Sure."

"Good, so now your on a promise can you go away?

Christina asked almost pleasantly and laughing Derek nodded giving Meredith one last kiss before slipping off the gurney.

"As you wish Dr Yang."

* * *

Meredith was sat waiting for him in the lobby and as she hadn't spotted him yet her whole focus still on her cell phone Derek took full advantage of the chance offered to him to indulge himself by just watching her. 

Her hair falling in soft waves down past her shoulders, the red cashmere sweater she was wearing clinging to her gentle curves whilst her legs seemed endless in the dark jeans and Derek found himself hard pressed to remember a time when she had ever looked more beautiful.

Meredith knew he was stood watching her even before she looked up, it wasn't something she could easily explain and no one else effected her that way but with Derek it was the same feeling every time almost as if he was actually touching her.

Finally when green met blue both were struck with the overwhelming sense of déjà vu, a different hospital lobby on the other side of the country and ten years previously this could have well been their very first meeting. Except for this time instead of a scowl Meredith was definitely returning his smile with one of her own.

"Hey."

Rising to her feet Meredith closed the distance between them and immediately, instinctively Derek bent his head, his lips taking hers in a long tender kiss.

"Hey yourself."

Derek whispered breaking the kiss to catch his breath, his hands going up into her hair as Meredith slipped hers down to his hips pulling their lower bodies into even closer contact causing Derek to bite down on his lip to stop the groan of approval escaping.

"So where have you been the last few hours I was stuck with Izzy and as lovely as she is it's not as much fun as having you with me??"

"Ah so I am the only intern you feel the need to jump at every opportunity then… I did wonder!"

Meredith teased her eyes glittering with amusement as Derek chuckled shaking his head.

"Well apart from George but that's our little secret!"

And as he continued to look down at her so intently Derek swore to himself that this time he would get this right, that there wouldn't be any more occasions for her to doubt him or ever lack confidence in what they have and as his hands took hers their fingers tangling together he squeezed them tight never wanting to let go.

"Ready to get out of here?"

Meredith asked and Derek nodded allowing himself to plant one more kiss on her smiling lips

"More than ready."

But they only got as far just outside the lobby doors before the sound of his pager going off ended the comfortable silence that had settled over them. Pulling it from its place clipped onto his trouser pocket Derek groaned in frustration as he looked down at the small screen.

"What is it?"

"Change of plans, it looks like I won't be out of here for another few hours, I'm sorry Mer…"

Derek hated to see the disappointment that flashed across her face but it was only there for a second before it was replaced by a smile of understanding, a nod of acceptance.

"Its okay, go save someone's life and I'll play the good wife and keep your bed warm…"

Meredith managed hating that little part of her that was just ever so slightly relieved, not that she didn't want him all to herself she did but it was the same feeling that had caused her to hesitate in accepting in the first place. They were okay at the moment but knowing Derek she knew tonight he would want to talk and right now she didn't she just wanted to enjoy them.

Their foreheads rested against each others as Derek let out a long sigh of regret.

"I had everything planned; our dinner is even waiting to be picked up from that Italian place you love and i… …"

"I'll pick it up on the way to the trailer and we'll eat when you get back but none of that matters Derek... Just being with you is all thats important, being happy,"

"Two hours max I promise."

"Good." Meredith nodded letting her lips linger against his for one last kiss "Now go."

_I don't need nothing at all  
Nothing but your kiss  
Nothing but your arms  
I don't need nothing at all_

**Okay so that was that and i never fell for this chapter and even now i dont like it much but on the good side its alot of MerDer so thats one thing i got right... Now though i really am not going to say any more but only to ask you to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW and thats it... **

**The next update should be up in a few days and il try to make it as soon as phyiscally possible!!**


	28. Chapter 28

**Okay i always say THANK YOU to you lovely people who reviewed and though i REALLY mean it i'm guessing it's a bit old so i'm gonna share one of my secret talents and say it in albanian FALEMINDERIT and see now its super special :)**

**So this is Chap 28 and for me it's kinda the make or break of the story cos u all could hate it and then not read the final 2 chapters or even the Prequel/Sequel and you might think i jumped on a band wagon (not sure if im usin that right) but im not and it has a purpose and it gives good material for the prequel which is how i came up with the idea to end this story like this...**

**But thats it, thats all i'm saying and all i ask very very nicely is that you Read and Love it or Hate it PLEASE REVIEW!!!**

**A Feeling You Cant Forget**

Using the set of keys Derek had had cut for her Meredith unlocked the trailer and the moment she turned on the lights the only thing she felt was butterflies exploding in the pit of her stomach as warmth flooded through her veins, a warmth that just lately she hadnt been feeling much of at all.

There were more candles in that small space than she had ever seen in one place before, all just waiting to be lit and it didn't take much to figure out exactly how busy Derek had been this morning as she let her fingers stroke over the roses that were arranged in the crystal vase she recognized as one of their wedding presents and the single roses that were in smaller vases aroung the room.

Still with the same thoughtful smile playing on her lips Meredith slipped the food into the oven to keep warm before opening the door into the bedroom area only for a giggle to escape past her lips.

More candles surrounded the bed whilst rose petals covered the new white bed spread and the giggle turned into a full blown laugh as she allowed herself to fall back onto it.

This was cheesy really cheesy and though Derek had gone down this same road before she had simply figured he had grown out of it over the years but obviously not. And though she could laugh at this and would tease him mercilessly for it she was secretly touched that he had gone to the effort and still considered her worth it.

Her fingers played absently with the petals as her body relaxed, closing her eyes as she shut out the long draining day and simply enjoyed the rare quietness all around her.

* * *

Handing Derek a coffee Mark joined him at the nurse's station glancing over Derek's shoulder as he flicked through a patients chart. 

"What are you still doing here?"

"Working."

"What happened to the night of cheesy romance that would hopefully lead to hot sex with your gorgeous wife?"

Derek ran a hand over his tired face before reaching for the next chart

"My patient has decided I won't be getting out of here at least not before my wife falls asleep!"

In his voice was all the same disappointment he had felt the moment his pager had gone off and for the last hour whilst his body had been here his mind had been with Meredith at the trailer.

He could easily imagine her reaction, she'd go from surprise to laughter as she moved in to the bedroom and he knew the first thing she would of done was to call him out on the corniness of it all and now he was missing it.

Missing out on the night he had been planning since she had found that photo, the plan to show her he was still that corny guy she loved to tease, he was still the guy in that photo, the man she had fallen in love with.

"Well you could always wake her up with a nice surprise…" Mark suggested only for Derek to stare at him as if he was completely mad.

"Have you forgotten exactly who I married because I swear I remember seeing you at the wedding, in fact weren't you my best man?"

"Ah you're scared of Mer… It's sweet a little pathetic as you are twice her size but still sweet Derek."

"Meredith may be small but she's vicious or did her latest piece of handiwork escape you're notice and do I really need to remind you of what happened the last time you thought waking Meredith was a good idea???"

Mark racked his memory only for a second before a vivid memory of an alarm clock narrowly missing his head to smash against the wall behind him and the grumpy Meredith that he had had to cope with until Derek had gotten home to coax her out of it came back to him.

"The alarm clock episode, yeah right not a good idea however she is a pretty deep sleeper you don't really need to wake her…"

Derek continued to stare at him before bursting into laughter drawing attention to them from two nearby admiring nurses, this was a classic Mark Sloane remark and he knew only Mark could get away with saying something like this without sounding like a complete pervert.

"You're an ass!"

"But you love me and so does kiddo…"

Mark shrugged the insult off easily as he stood grinning widely at his laughing best friend.

"Mmm but when you say crap like that I wonder why we do,"

"Ah but when I offer to keep an eye on your patient so you can go home to your hot wife will you still be wondering then?"

Mark asked not only doing this for Derek's benefit but for his own, Meredith was still pissed at him for giving Derek his credit card and snapping it in half obviously hadnt been enough to vent her anger as he was still paying the price for it now.

"Seriously…? Hang on what's in it for you?" Derek asked suspiciously

"I get details tomorrow… … … Or you could tell Mer all about this and I get put back in her good books after the thing with the credit card???"

Mark only added as Derek continued to stare at him before he smirked with a perfect mixture of satisfaction and mocking.

"Now who's scared of my tiny little wife huh Mark???"

* * *

Meredith woke up with a start and just for those first few seconds she was sure she was going to vomit and instinctively turned over to reach for Derek only to find an empty space beside her and looking down at herself she was surprised to find herself still fully dressed laying on top of the covers. And with a glance down at her watch Meredith tried to figure out how exactly how she could have been asleep for three hours and there was still no obvious sign of Derek. 

"Derek?"

Meredith called out in the faint hope that he had arrived home and simply decided to let her sleep but this trailer was a confined space and that basically wasn't Derek. He was often full of good intentions not to wake her yet somehow despite his best efforts he would always manage too, but she didn't always let him know that and it secretly make her smile just how hard he would try only to look so stricken when he realized it hadn't worked.

Getting up and going into the kitchen Meredith grabbed her cell phone from her jacket pocket and dialed Derek's number only for it to go to voicemail not just once but three times. It was then and then only that a little voice in the back of her head that she hadn't heard for a long time spoke up and told her this wasn't right but blocking it out she reached for a glass of water drinking slowly as the nauseous feeling slowly resided.

Reminding herself as she did so that this wasn't the first time Derek had been held at work longer than expected nor in their jobs would it be the last but it was strange for him not to ring especially when there had been a promise involved.

Promises were once something that had been sacred between them and it hadn't escaped her notice that ever since he had arrived in Seattle he had done everything in his power to reinstall that bond of trust between them.

"Shut up."

Meredith said out loud determined to take her mind off it, telling herself over and over that lightening doesnt strike twice and that this feeling was nothing more than hunger seen as she hadn't eaten anything since lunch and wanting to prove that to herself Meredith warmed up some of the food Derek had ordered and sat down to eat.

But the nagging unexplainable feeling didn't go away it only got harder to ignore driving her to reach for her cell again not dialing Derek's number this time but the next number that was foremost in her mind. Making a silent vow to herself that if it turned out they were holed up in some bar somewhere together she would make the pair of them regret it till the end of their days.

"I'm going to kill you Derek freaking Shepherd!" Meredith muttered as she waited for Mark to pick up.

Slipping out of Derek's patient's room Mark plucked his cell phone from his pocket and chuckled as the caller id flashed revealing the name of one half of the couple he had just been thinking.

"If it isn't my favorite intern so ho… … …"

But he never got to finish as Meredith cut him off impatiently.

"Mark where are you and where is my damn husband?"

"Ah come on kid play nice I'm sat here bored out of my skull watching over his damn patient all so he could get home to you on time and this is all the thanks I get…"

"Derek left, when?"

Meredith asked staring out of the small kitchen window into the darkness as the horrid feeling in her stomach that she had refused to believe was anything more than hunger returned.

"Well over an hour ago." Mark frowned feeling confused as nothing but static could be heard "Kid you still there, you okay?"

"Mark where's Derek?"

Meredith asked again knowing he didn't have an answer for her but needing wanting someone to reassure her that she was right lightening didn't strike twice and that any moment his familiar car headlights would illuminate the land surrounding the trailer.

"He's probably stopped off for something to add to the cheese fest and to make up for him being late …"

He joked but as the silence continued Mark found himself wishing that Meredith was right there in front of him.

"Stop it Meredith."

He told her bluntly now remembering himself that night they had all tried so hard to forget, the last time Derek ever rode a motorcycle and the agony Meredith had gone through coping with the reality that after only just finding Derek she might lose him. However before he could say more his pager went off and it was obvious Meredith had heard it as she rushed into speech.

"Yeah, your right it's nothing I'm being stupid… So I'll um go so you can answer that, goodnight Mark."

Mark sighed in frustration as she ended the call not giving him a chance to speak and his face was marred by a frown as he looked down at the small screen. Why was he being paged to the pit when he wasn't on call and the only people who knew he was even in the hospital were Addison, Derek, Bailey and now Meredith he didnt know but decided to answer it anyway

Bailey stepped back into the trauma room and looked down at the familiar figure on the gurney and felt her professional calm slip a little.

"How's he doing?" She asked her voice brisk, hiding how she really felt trying to force herself to see this as just another patient who needed their help but it wasn't and every person in the room knew it.

**See im guessing you all hate me right now huh??? **

**I can live with that but stick around and i will fix it its just i wanted to bring some issue's to a head and ... ... well maybe it will work maybe it wont but if your still interested the next chapter will be up in a few days!**

**So um PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW???**


	29. Chapter 29

**Ok so offically i am like your lots biggest fan right now cos you reviewed and none of you hated me too much so a BIG THANK YOU to you all and i hope i fixed it for you!! **

**Well only one more chapter to go after this which makes me sad but i'm already working on the Prequel and Sequel so its not that bad but for now PLEASE Read, Enjoy and PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!!!**

**How Do I**

It took only the look on Addison's face, the mixture of sadness anxiety and dismay in her eyes to chase away every little bit of hope Meredith had that Derek was okay, that any minute he really would bounce into the trailer and swing her up into his arms.

Even the stubborn shred of hope that she had managed to cling on to even when she recognized Addison's car coming up the track instead of Derek's had deserted her and all she wanted was to run.

Run for as long as she could, anything to take her away from having to face this, to again sit waiting for news not even knowing if Derek would live.

It was that thought that stopped her though, this was Derek, her husband, her best friend, the other half of her and there was no way she could leave him now not when he needed her most.

"Mer?"

Addison moved forward quickly scared Meredith would fall as she begun to sway and as she grasped her two elbows she knew there would be no need to actually say the word, words that she had dreaded passing her lips ever since taking Mark's call.

The whole drive over here had been spent trying to figure out how she was going to tell Meredith that Derek was laying unconscious with their colleagues, their friends doing everything they possibly could to save him.

Mark hadn't been able to tell her much just that they suspected internal bleeding and were taking him down for a C.T just as soon as they got him stabilized but he had been adamant that Meredith should hear about it no other way than from one of them.

"How bad is it?"

Her voice wasn't above a whisper almost as if she wasn't sure even if she wanted the question answered, dreading the answer and fresh tears formed in Addison's eyes as Meredith bit down on her bottom lip, her whole body tensing ready for whatever blow came.

"I don't know…"

"Oh… … I need to go to him; I have to be with him."

Meredith moved quickly grabbing her stuff and before Addison knew it she was alone in the trailer just for a second until she followed her out of the door knowing that she was in no fit state to drive.

She had known that Meredith wouldnt break down that simply wasn't her not when she was scared. Nerves made her fidget and ramble, anger made her kick out scream and shout but when she was scared not just scared but terrified she closed up, shut down and there had only been one person ever able to reach her when she was in that state and he couldn't even help himself now let alone her.

This whole thing seemed like a bad dream just the same as it had all those years ago when Derek had came off his bike, he and Meredith had only been together a few months and if any of them his family included had ever doubted the way Meredith felt it had disappeared for good after that.

She had barely left his side only leaving him to eat and change and then someone had to force her and when Derek came round it was her he asked for, her name the first thing past his lips and then, only then had Meredith broke down.

"I can't lose him."

As she was staring out of the window Meredith missed the way Addison's fingers tightened on the steering wheel, though she wasn't talking to her directly the need to answer her was there, to at least try to reassure her.

"He's a fighter, Derek Shepherd fights!"

Addison's whisper caused Meredith to finally look at her if only for a second.

"He is… It's just I can't lose him."

"I know and you won't!"

And as she spoke Addison sent up a silent prayer not just for Derek but Meredith too. There wasn't any question of how strong Meredith was, she was Ellis Grey's daughter after all and would of never made it this far without that but if she had one weakness if you could even call it that then it was Derek.

Both needed the other to live, they may be able to exist, get through each day but that was all, neither could do more than that because all that was left was an empty shell.

The rest of the drive passed in silence with Meredith's whole body tense sitting staring straight ahead at the rain her hands clamped in tight fists but this only lasted till they pulled up outside the hospital.

* * *

Meredith ran blindly through the hospital halls no need to think as her feet automatically found their own path and the only thing she was able to hear was the clicking of Addison's shoes as she tried to keep up with her. Nothing else reached her she was too much caught up in the need to be where ever Derek was because if she lost him now then there wouldn't be any coming back. 

Tonight when they should have shared the perfect evening this had to happen and all she really wanted was to go back a few hours and tell him not to come home, to stay at the hospital, to stay safe.

The whole past year, every hurt, every lie and every bit of pain he had caused she was willing to forgive it all as long as she didn't lose him.

Meredith came to a sudden halt when familiar arms caught her and ignoring her struggles pulled her close to a warm solid body.

"Stop kid come on…" Mark whispered in to her ear as she fought for release but he couldn't let go, if he could do anything right now for Derek it was to help Meredith.

"I need Derek… I have to see him, where is he?"

"They're prepping him for surgery; Richard will be out in a moment."

His large hand stroked for her hair trying to gentle her but it was the shake, the fragility in the usually arrogant, strong voice that reached her and for a moment Meredith allowed herself to melt against him.

Taking the comfort offered and giving in return because she wasn't the only one who was scared, Derek and Mark since the age of eight had been closer than many brothers and she knew like her the thought of losing Derek was too much for him to bear.

"Does anyone know what happened?"

Addison asked moving closer to her husband as Meredith pulled away shutting herself off again so quickly after letting Mark in for a brief time as she wrapped her own arms around herself pacing back and forth in such a way that reminded Mark a little too much of Derek and he had to close his eyes.

"It was an accident, a stupid unavoidable accident… The other driver she just lost control in the rain and Derek he tried top avoid her but… …" As his voice trailed off Meredith's head snapped back around to them.

"Have you rang Mom, the family?"

"Not yet I wanted to wait till we had news, Mer he will be okay." Mark whispered his hand reaching out for again but she shook her head drawing back further.

"You don't know that…"

The one time she decides to face something head on it had to be this Mark thought and knew if it was anything else he would be able to smile, tease her about it but he couldn't and right now he needed her to believe Derek was going to be okay.

"I do I know it okay and you ne… …"

But he didn't finish as Richard emerged through the double doors with Bailey behind him both already dressed in scrubs.

"How is he?"

Meredith demanded before Richard could open his mouth and as she faced him he felt just for a moment it was Ellis facing him but he knew better and he knew that the stubborn strength she shared with her mother was the only thing keeping her upright, you only needed to take a look into her large terrified green eyes to see that.

"There's extensive bleeding in the abdomen but there isn't any head injuries which was worrying us and apart from a broken foot there's only superficial cuts and bruising."

Mark's eyes met Meredith's again and he saw that there was a little part of her that had been relieved by the news, that this wasn't like last time that there wouldn't be that agonizing wait but in a flicker it was gone and her eyes were back to looking haunted.

"We'll go in and hopefully stop the bleeding but Meredith you do need to be prepared, there is that chance that the damage is too extent…"

Bailey found it hard to say and Meredith couldn't stand to hear it as she turned her back on all of them to begin pacing again as four pairs of eyes watched her with worry and concern.

"Richard I'm scrubbing in."

It wasn't a question but Addison was sure Richard would refuse Mark's demand and he even opened his mouth to do so but stopped as Meredith added her own plea.

"Please let Mark do this, it's what Derek would want and if I cant be there I don't want anyone else but him too?"

"Okay." Richard agreed knowing he was going against every rule but right now he was unable to refuse Meredith anything.

* * *

Meredith felt Addison take her hand as they sat side by side in the empty waiting room both very aware of each single minute that passed. Addison wanted to reassure her, say something, any thing that might help her but she couldn't, there was nothing she could say. 

"He's always been there and I'm not discounting the last year or so but he… … I can forgive him for that Addie it's not important now but if he doesn't come back from this I wont…"

It was the first words Meredith had spoken since Mark had left them here and Meredith had called Derek's mother and sisters.

"My mother is… Well she wont ever change and my father he's only just come back but Derek, Derek is the single person who has ever fought for me, tried to change for me… God I left divorce papers and still he didn't give up, not really he even asked my mother…"

"He never told us that but then he didn't tell us much after you left, he wasn't Derek anymore but it was no more than he deserved and don't you dare start feeling guilty now Mer."

Addison spoke softly but firmly this was no ones fault and there was no way she was going to let Meredith start feeling guilty about actions she had no other choice than taking.

"No its not that it's just I was so lonely here without him and I cant imagine spending my life like that… I can be in a room full of people Addie, a house full of people but without Derek there I'm still lonely…"

"You wont ever have too, I know this wont help Mer but Mark's right Derek will be okay because if anything he would not leave you now."

"You believe that?"

"I do and so should you because apart from yourself I know of no one more stubborn than Derek Shepherd."

"Yeah,"

Meredith nodded and for the first time her hand turned over and returned Addison's grip as they drifted back into silence.

* * *

Derek had been out of the O.R for the last few hours and Meredith still couldn't tear her eyes away from his face, going back over every scratch, cut and bruise thankful for every breath he took feeling each one as if she was taking them herself. 

The hand free of his I.V drip was clutched in her own wondering whether it was possible to actually squeeze the life in to him because even if the doctor in her knew he was going to be okay she still couldn't believe it at least not yet.

Not until he opened his eyes and it was possible to yell at him guilt free for daring to put her through this again because if this had taught her anything it was that whatever they had was more important to her and they could get through anything as long as she had him.

Raising his hand to her lips Meredith kissed each knuckle her grip increasing willing him to open his eyes, smirk and cockily tell her that whatever scars were left would only add to his appeal just like the one on his forehead from the last time he had done this to her.

It was with that that the walls slowly crumbled and she finally gave in to the tears that had been held back as she rested her head on their joined hands as sobs shook her.

"Baby... Mer I know your pretty busy right now but do you think you could stop crushing my hand, it's starting to hurt and your getting me a little wet???"

_How do I,  
Get through one night without you?  
If I had to live without you,  
What kind of life would that be?_

**So Derek lives and in a wierd way this chap is almost a filler for the next one because thats when i tie everything up etc... which makes it almost sound boring but it wont be i assure you well i hope not okay im rambling so im shutting up now... **

**But the last chap i hope to get up by friday but its half term next week which means im overloaded with homework so il try my best cos im away next week which on a good side means i can get some of the other two done!!! **

**But for now PLEASE PLEASE thank me for saving Derek and REVIEW!!**

**Oh and this chapter is dedicated to '_ilovepatrick_' and you should all thank her for the fact Derek survived because i really didnt want to scar her for life and no i couldnt live with that on my conscience but seriously funny and it made me laugh...**


	30. Chapter 30

**You lot are GREAT and THANK YOU SO SO MUCH for all the reviews i never expected my first fan fic to go down so well so im chuffed but cant wait to really get into my next one...**

**So this is the last Chap and i hope really really hope you all like it and i managed to get it up today for the simple fact though i'l have my laptop with me next week its school holidays for the next two weeks and the last before my exams so... Im feeling lazy!**

**But back to this PLEASE Read, Enjoy and PLEASE REVIEW!!!**

**Spoiled**

The rough tired voice was weak but it was music to her ears, raising her head and loosening the grip on his hand Meredith's sobs only became louder as the blue eyes she loved so much flickered open as his lips twisted in an exhausted smile.

"Dr Grey,"

"Don't try to move…"

Meredith whispered as he closed his eyes in pain from trying to reach for her, moving so he didn't have too she cupped his face with both hands pressing her lips to his.

"I love you, god you don't know how much…"

It was the one thing she had wanted to tell him even before shouting at him because she had been so scared that she would never get the chance again and in that moment Meredith allowed herself to bask in the sheer joy of having him there of knowing he really was okay.

This time Derek managed to shift enough without hurting himself to lift his arms and hold her to him forcing her head down so their lips could meet again.

There wasn't one part of his body that didn't ache but he didn't care what worried him was Meredith's tears, she didn't cry easily and he hated that once again the source of her tears was him.

The accident wasn't his fault he knew that and still being concious when they brought him in he knew the extent of his injuries but he couldn't help but wonder what damage this had done to her, he had fought to stay awake and had long enough to tell Bailey to page Mark not Meredith.

He hadnt wanted her to find out that way and most of all he hadnt wanted her driving from the trailer to the hospital when she would of been distracted and Mark would of known that, known what to do.

"I do know and I love you too… but somehow right now I have a feeling that's not what you want to say, come on Mer you have my permission?" Derek teased willing to do anything to ease her tears and was rewarded with a watery smile.

"Fine, Derek Shepherd you are an ass and you were an ass when you did this to me ten years ago and now you're an even bigger ass for doing it again… God right now I hate you as much as I love you and I am half tempted to freaking finish you off myself!"

Tears flowed freely as she ranted before she bent burying her face in his neck her voice muffled as she continued to describe exactly how she would kill him with Addison and Christina helping get rid of his corpse then sank her teeth in to his neck as Derek's chuckles turned into as close as a laugh as he could get.

"Now that's the Meredith Shepherd I love and fear… Come on, come up here because all I want right now is my very angry very hot wife in bed with me and if your good I'll even let you give me a bed bath in the morning…"

He teased with a suggestive smirk and Meredith wasn't sure weather to slap him or kiss him.

"Kiss me,"

Derek whispered reading her mind and sighed in pleasure as her lips melted against his in a tender kiss that was the perfect mix of love and desire before she pulled away to kick off her shoes and carefully climb in beside him. His arm holding her to his side whilst her head rested on his shoulder.

"I nearly lost you; I never want to lose you!"

"You wont ever lose me Mer not even if you wanted too…"

"I wouldn't?"

She asked and for a moment it was like the voice of hers from all those years ago when after every fight or row she had expected him to never come back.

"No you wouldn't I'd stalk you... ... And do you know how many woman would pay for a stalker that looks like me?"

He kept his voice light purposefully

"And if anything else happened like this then just like when I came off my bike and this time I would fight like hell to stay with you…"

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"Good because I could forgive you for just about anything Derek but not that, I could never forgive you if you left me here alone…"

"It wont ever happen Mer,"

Derek said remembering all too well the last time they had laid like this together but where as this time it seemed to have brought them closer last time it had caused her to drift away not because she didn't love him but because she was scared of loving him this much.

"By the way the roses Derek seriously cheesy."

"Did you laugh, I wanted you too… You always laugh at me, I love you laughing!"

"I did,"

Meredith kissed his jaw sleepily the only part of him she could easily reach as the effects of the day stared to catch up on her. But she was scared to sleep, scared she would wake up and this would of all been a dream and that Derek was still unconscious but it seemed he read her thoughts again as he fought to keep his own eyes open.

"Mer go to sleep I'm not going anywhere…" He murmured taking her hand in his placing them both on his chest right above his heart knowing tonight that was what she needed to feel its beat.

* * *

Derek awoke suddenly and it took a second to remember where he was and why but then it hit him and also gave the reason for why he had even woke up. There was an empty space beside him and the warm body that had been cuddled up to his side for the last few hours had gone. 

"Addie's taken her home to get changed and to collect some things for you, we had to bribe her with the fact that I would stay and play nurse."

Derek turned his head at the voice to find Mark sat in a chair pulled up beside the bed.

"How you feeling you had us pretty worried last night?"

"Even Addie?" Derek started off with a smile that soon turned into a grimace when he tried to push himself up a little.

"Stay where you are you ass because there's no way I'm getting the blame for you doing something stupid… And trust me once Mer gets over this short spell of relief she will give you hell for this!"

Mark told him enjoying the thought more than Derek thought he should as he helped arrange the pillows behind him.

"Mmm my fate was predicted last night in detail… Mark the other driver are they okay?"

"Kept in over night as a precaution but apart from some bruising fine, you know we nearly lost you last night in the O.R and do you know what was going through my mind as Richard tried to restart your heart...? How would i tell Meredith…"

Mark rubbed a hand over his face and for the first time Derek saw the lines of strain around his best friends usually laughing eyes.

"Don't tell her that whatever you do it's not something she needs to hear right now, she hardly slept last night as it is."

"I don't know what you did to deserve her but your lucky Derek and you need to thank her for the fact that instead of me you didn't wake up to your mother and four sisters at your bedside!"

"God help me!"

Derek whispered causing Mark to look more than a little amused

"Yeah you'll be needing his help because she didn't try all that hard to put them off from visiting in a few weeks actually she was encouraging them… I guess that's part of your punishment!"

* * *

Meredith joined Addison at the kitchen table passing her a large cup of coffee as she looked round the room a small smile playing on her lips. 

"You know I still can't figure out how its possible that you and Derek live here and yet this place is so clean and tidy…"

"Ah but you're forgetting Izzy lives here and so does George and Izzy likes to clean…"

Meredith's smile was wan and Addison tried hard not to show just how concerned she was. It was painfully obvious Meredith was running on nervous energy alone and even fresh from the shower she only looked slightly better than when both her and Mark had managed to persuade her to leave Derek's room.

"Personally I don't know how they manage to put up with the pair of you,"

"I think they feel the same sometimes, so why are you having a meeting with Richard later?" Meredith asked dragging her mind back from Derek to remember the conversation Addison had had with Richard's secretary.

"To sign our contracts, Richard's offered me a position I can't refuse and Mark insists New York isn't the same without the two of you,"

This time a real smile lit up Meredith's face briefly clearing away the exhaustion as she hurried around the table to hug Addison.

"Oh Addie I'm so glad but what about your hair and all the rain?"

"Yeah well I'd rather have all the rain than Mark sulking around the place and anyway whose couch would he sleep on when ever I've had enough of him?" She said dryly, relieved that Meredith was still able to tease and laugh.

"You do know Derek will claim it's all because you miss him?"

"Mmm well his ego has always been a problem, so now you know your not getting rid of me how about you tell me what's wrong?"

"I'm fi… …"

Meredith didn't get to finish as Addison cut her off pushing her back down into the chair with a look that clearly meant they weren't going anywhere till she had got what she wanted.

"Don't even try and fob me off with _I'm fine _when we both know you are anything but Meredith Shepherd!"

"It's nothing Addie I'm tired that's all, every time I closed my eyes last night I was back waiting for him to wake up but he didn't… … and then the machines all started going off…"

Meredith didn't finish her eyes filling with tears and Addison reached for her hand.

"It's just a dream Mer that didn't happen Derek is going to be okay and I'd bet a years salary that right now the pair of them are flirting shamelessly with some nurse."

"I know it's stupid, I know he's okay but that fear I can't seem to shake it… What if I do lose him Addie I mean I thought I loved him before but now…"

Meredith stopped as Addison began to smile.

"What?"

"That day when we arrived, the day you found out about Sarah that's word for word what Derek said to me… Mer whatever problems come along, whatever happens you two will survive it and that fear will fade because you've both been given this chance and trust me Derek isn't going anywhere!"

Addison said before getting up from the table

"Come on you need to eat and though Derek deserves a diet of hospital food you dont so il cook us breakfest..."

* * *

Leaving the bag of stuff she had brought from home for him on the chair and careful not to knock his foot or wake him Meredith curled up beside him on the bed.

Her head propped up on her hand so she was able to simply watch him sleep not so much in fear now but taking pleasure in him instead.

Addison was right this was a chance and there was no way she was going to let it go to waste, she loved him that would never change and neither did she want it too.

It was as his eyes began to open that she pressed a kiss to his lips giggling as his tongue immediately demanded entrance into her mouth.

"Seriously you can't even sit up without help but your thinking about sex?"

Meredith pulled away breathless as he groaned in protest when she removed his hand from underneath her sweater.

"And stop pouting your not getting any,"

She insisted only for Derek to laugh as he pulled her close again settling her so Meredith's head rested in the crook of his neck the same place she managed to find every night.

"I missed you… … Mark's no way near as much fun as you to wake up too."

"Oh I don't know I'm pretty sure he'd let you grope him if you asked nicely enough, where is he anyway?"

"Bailey kicked him out a little while ago apparently he's a distraction and I need rest,"

Derek explained his hand stroking her hair before traveling down her back to slip up inside her sweater again resting against the soft silky skin of her back.

"I'm not the only one who needs rest though you look exhausted Mer…"

"Seriously and you think that's going to help you get in my pants?"

Without thinking Meredith nudged him and immediately regretted it as Derek winced his skin paling as he let out a hiss from between gritted teeth.

"Oh god I'm sorry." Bringing herself back up her hand stroked his face "Derek are you okay?"

Nodding knowing he was worrying her Derek did his best to smile.

"Just a bit sore, I'm afraid any revenge you're planning will have to wait!"

Gently Meredith slipped her fingers under the blanket to lift the standard hospital gown and the tears burnt her eyes at the sight that met her. It was hard to find an untouched patch of skin that wasn't bruised or cut especially around his ribs and for a second Meredith had to remind herself to breathe.

With a feather light touch Meredith trailed her fingers over them not as a doctor but as his wife, his lover avoiding the large bandage that covered the wound from the surgery before she finally let her hand settle on his hip.

It was with a moan of desire rather than pain that brought her attention back to him as he pulled her lips back to his, his hand at the back of her neck holding her so she couldn't pull away until he released her.

"We will be okay Mer,"

Derek reassured when he broke the kiss but Meredith kissed him again as she straightened his gown recovering him with the blanket.

"I think we will be too,"

_I'm spoiled  
By your love boy  
No matter how I try to change my mind  
What's the point it's just a waste of time  
I'm spoiled by your touch boy  
The love you give is just too hard to fight  
Don't want to live without you in my life  
I'm spoiled_

**So that was that and i'm a little sad now :(**

**I really dont have much to say about this and i ended it like this so there's scope for the Sequel and yeah Addison and Mark are staying around because well i love Addison and Mark together... **

**So the next story is the Prequel which is kind of a good thing because it will give the back story but not of the absent Derek the Prequel deals with them meeting etc because i want to have fun and i think that will be and it's what you lot voted for having up first. **

**But i will be working on the Sequel too so if i change my mind then it will be that up first instead so look out for them probably after easter but maybe before depends how quickly it flows but for now PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


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